


Among The Many

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Dystopia, Emmerdale Big Bang Round 2, M/M, Referenced/implied child abuse, homophobia cw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 05:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 63,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15989027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: 1984 AU:Robert finds Aaron in a dystopian world where love is forbidden





	Among The Many

**Author's Note:**

> IT IS FINALLY HERE AND VERY LONG AND SAD BUT PLEASE READ IF THIS IS YOUR THING
> 
> The amazing amazing amazing heidi has created this work for the fic so check it out before you start reading: 
> 
> http://miss-bookworm.tumblr.com/post/178077363711/emmerdale-big-bang-among-the-many-by
> 
> https://littlelooneyluna.tumblr.com/post/178077773797/miss-bookworm-among-the-many-by
> 
> https://littlelooneyluna.tumblr.com/post/178077760127/miss-bookworm-among-the-many-by
> 
> ENJOY IF U CAN:

_Loyalty is passivity._

_Weakness is strength._

_Bravery is stupidity._

::

 

Robert has a certainty about only a few things in his life, and one of them is that he is a man, nearly twenty eight, and has a solid job in a good area of London. His flat is of decent size, has a bed and a bookshelf but no one is supposed to know about that. 

No one _does_ know, because if they found out what he was reading, they'd be Hell to pay to the State.

They're always watching, in this scary, bold way and there's absolutely no way of even attempting to try and fortify their efforts which is just absolutely fantastic.

It's late now, nearly time for citizens to be secured within their houses and he supposes that if anyone was to walk passed him now they'd be in a hurry to get back and not stop to even raise their said and bob it up and down a little. There's nothing unordinary about it, the way people are, make themselves but yet it still seem to sting at the feeling of absolute loneliness buried deep within him. 

It sucks, when, _if_ , he thinks about it too much.

He sees Comrade Potts, Laurel, instantly across the road and she's herding the children home as they struggle to be controlled. Robert thinks, just for a second, about going over to help her with the bags she's struggling to carry and _that's_ why he has a dangerous mind.

Dozens of people are able to walk passed her without even noticing her presence and he knows that's the way he's supposed to behave but he doesn't give in as easily. He's aware that there's a glitch about him that he battles against almost always. 

It's all about reaction, there's a quickness to him which hasn't been stamped out yet and there's this sick and awful part of him which doesn't want it to go away because the thoughts he has are his own. 

They're his own thoughts, an escape against the conventions of society which tell him otherwise. Sometimes he psyched himself up enough to feel like a legend for being different, other times he feels like he’ll never get ‘better’ or whatever that is.

Robert fights against the feeling as he charges back towards his flat and keeps his ideas so close towards him that it nearly burns something in his chest as he walks. There's a sense of comfort when he's alone, again, like usual really. The door slams to a shut and the walls close in around him as he sits at his desk and looks at the book in front of him. 

Finally.

His eyes widen in this awful way as he realises that he's left it wide open and the camera in the corner of the room flickers towards him. There's a danger of being like this, curious and genuinely so, it wraps at your insides and works to fry the part of you that should work and worship and do not much else. 

The thought is why he slams the book shut and waits until the camera circulates the kitchen for him to move towards the bookshelf and hide it amongst the subscribed books by the State.

His hands slide against the first one he sights and something inside him almost aches against the content. There's endless words and words of mindlessness and they have the ability to be swallowed up eagerly by the younger generations who fail to understand the baseless letters and their meanings.

He feels sorry for them, they’re all idiots and naive but still, he’s sorry that they are twats about this.

Robert holds one up towards him and his arm nearly grows dead against the heaviness of it. 

_'The Adventures Of General Hyde.'_

Robert knows all too well of the hero who fought courageously in the Great War Of Our Time and tragically fell victim to those who were against him, suffering multiple blows to the head just _seconds_ before attempting to stop them attacking London. It was drummed into his head enough times as a kid for it all to annoyingly feel like second nature.

He slams the book shut and manages to avoid the camera in the room once again as he knocks back what he can only describe as a rich amber liquid which manages to lull the pain he feels so suddenly that he falls into a sleep too demanding to ignore.

He likes this part of the day best.

 

::

 

Robert dreams.

He dreams of ideas suppressed and hidden and they become so suddenly secret that he begins to wonder if they can be located somehow, extracted even.

Robert dreams of a man.

He dreams of a past life and his family and meadows.

And of a _man_ with dark hair and blue eyes and a heart he owns somehow, without meaning to or even wanting to.

He always seems to wake up just as the man leans towards him with a heart in his hands and tears in his eyes and the most awful thing coming out of his mouth:

'I love you.'

 

::

 

Robert is just a regular comrade when he's at work, one who has a tie and shows up on time and does his reports quietly. 

He's a journalist for the State, has the unfortunate job of shifting through mounds of news articles and putting together some sort of news bulletin daily which is way more tedious than it sounds. If that’s even possible.

“Robert?” When he looks up from his desk he sees Jimmy standing at his desk, bumbling about a little with a smile on his face which quickly turns into a frown. He's a simple man, is the only survivor of his family and Robert doesn't need to think twice about why exactly that is.

The Kings's were a match against the State in an almost unprecedented way, legends in the worst way possible, and all of his brothers were entirely whipped out years ago in unimaginable ways. They say a bomb had unfortunately been detonated onto their home, only hours after Carl King made links with Germans about their situation and spoke out against the absurdity of life in London. 

Robert was only a child when it happened, he remembers it all too well and sometimes it burns through his skull as Jimmy smiles at him. Sometimes it makes him want to hug Jimmy, like he’s sorry for his loss, his life. 

There's black cards against his brother’s  names which is naturally probably a terrifying thing to know, Robert's watched children play games with them and read the countless books about the villains being tamed and neutralised. He always winces under the weight of how much the children want to hurt them.

He's seen that with his own eyes, tiny children following the State and joining the Youth League and practicing their skills of defeating the enemy. It’s madness. It’s contagious too apparently because it won’t stop growing. It's a thought that aches through him as he dares to *think in such a way with his own mind.

His mind, he's always known, doesn't _belong_ to him.

Nothing about him is _his_ , not intrinsically.

Rather, his entire existence belongs to the State and those who rule it and what they stand for. It's a realisation that has to be adamantly appreciated, and it’s a battle to will himself to fully *believe in such a system and nothing *more than such a system.

Jimmy King is the perfect example of this. Jimmy King just so happens to the perfect example of an ideal Comrade in London. He lives in a quaint house with his mouthy yet passive-when-she-needs-to-be wife and their three children and is completely oblivious to the changes around him.

It's almost commendable in this strange way and Robert can understand why he is where he is, in the nice house and the respectable jobs. He's exactly what the party want everyone to be like.

Numbingly loyal.

He's still standing in front of him now, pressing a hand over his tie and waving the other around in the air as he tries to remember what he was going to stay.

“Yes Jimmy.” Robert says, almost bored out of his skull as he sits and looks at him from his desk. 

Jimmy scratches his head, his beard rough and scruffy and somewhat untidy in a way that he'll probably be scolded for later. ”I'm having trouble remembering who exactly London is fighting against? The Russians or the Germans?”

And that's the question that Robert has spent his whole week attempting to actually understand.

He's realised there isn't an answer.

The simplest one is that London is at war with whoever the State tells them they are at war with, and such an announcement seems to change like the weather in a tangled unimaginable sense.

Robert has memory of only a few nights ago, a Russian enemy plane flying over his flat and this sudden fear creeping in and it was so terrifyingly scary that he had to hold his breath and knock back something amber to lull it all. 

The next day however had this ability of telling him that actually the plane had been German, there in black and white the newspaper told him something completely different to what he had seen with his own two eyes.

“The Germans.” Robert says now, clears his throat against the way Jimmy nods his head happily and bumbles away with a content smile on his face. 

It's an odd thought to think but sometimes Robert wishes he was Jimmy, had his life and his happiness and most importantly his terrifying ignorance.

He's trapped in such thoughts when suddenly he hears the alarm ring through the building and he remembers what day it is today. There's the battle to keep his annoyance in as he packs up his bag and starts to move towards the assembly room with the rest of the workers.

Everyone mostly keeps their heads down, just keeps walking as straight as they can and avoid bumping into anyone and Robert struggles to breathe against the way the sirens are still blasting and ripping through the room. They’re bloody annoying when they want to be.

They stop, eventually they always stop. 

And everyone piles into the cramped, stuffy room with the black heavy curtains and projected screen and —

Robert's hands turn clammy as his eyes stay fixed on the screen and suddenly colours begin to appear and drain just as quickly as he appears. 

It's Lawrence White, eyes beady and beard white against his stern face and Robert feels like something inside him completely breaks against the way he looks directly at him.

‘Hello Comrades. Welcome and enjoy the sweet release of the anger and oppression you may feel towards those who have wronged us for decades.'

He disappears and a clock replaces his face, dark and looming and Robert doesn’t have the chance to catch his breath properly. It’s already began. 

They’ve entered the Two Minutes Hate. 

It's a weekly occurrence, when suddenly *everything inside you has to rush to the surface and the workers from all of the company pile together to express their anger against their enemies. Which is, you know, absolutely healthy. 

It's supposed to be terribly unifying which is even more of a joke because the way people behave makes Robert want to run away rather than hug them. He’s seen women throw themselves at the screen in this unwarranted and painfully scary anger towards —

 _Him_.

And them.

Cain Dingle for starters.

The Dingles in general are the most notorious family in London, under the State to be exact, and Cain Dingle is the worst of them all. No one knows exactly where he is and there's been about a million foiled plots to actually attempt to find him after he attempted to blow up the Ministry of Justice.

His face makes everyone begin to erupt, and suddenly there's this blackness and anger building up in people around Robert. He can't even breathe suddenly, everything just keeps racing through him and it only takes a second or two. 

Only a second or two before he's suddenly doing exactly what everyone else is doing. Because he’s a creature of habit isn’t he? He can’t help it. He’s only human after all.

They're losing their minds against this figure and there's things being thrown towards the screen and it's only _two_ minutes long but it feels like longer. It feels like hours and —

Robert has mastered the art of shouting obscene profanities he doesn't even mean and it's easy to turn his hatred of _everything_ into his hatred for Cain flipping Dingle and —

Suddenly there's a face in the crowd and Robert's heart stops beating altogether. 

Because the man with a pair of blue overalls is just staring at him with his mouth gaped open and he's got these blue eyes, wide and filled with this amazement and —

He's somehow the man who has been in Robert's dreams.

It makes Robert's eyes flicker almost uncontrollably and soon there's no words coming out of his mouth at all. He's not jeering or screeching but neither is the man. They're just looking at each other across the crowd and everything else switches in. They’re silent, and Robert knows that silence is dangerous, it's ridiculously dangerous but he can't stop himself.

He just can't seem to —

The alarm rings loud enough to make Robert jump and suddenly the curtains are being pulled right up again and light streams into the room again. 

All the blotchy red faces calm the hell down and everyone seems to remember themselves again as the voice appears again. 

_' "Thank you Comrades, please return back to your desks." '_

Robert shivers slightly as he goes, keeps his head down and tracks the man's shoes in front of him. Thick black boots. He must work in the factory downstairs, Robert thinks, follows him closer and closer until he's behind him because he doesn’t want to be a stalker but —

He's standing right behind him and his hand nearly reaches out to touch him until he comes back to his senses and he hears Jimmy standing next to him.

“Feel so energised now.” Jimmy's rubbing his hands together and he's got this smile on his face. It's wide and bright and there's a gentleness behind him that is almost heartbreaking to see if Robert really cared. But Robert _doesn't_ care about him, he doesn't care about anyone really and that's down to the State. That’s something that they’ve drilled into him, he should receive a gold star or something for the way he doesn’t care about anyone anymore. 

It's comforting in this odd way. No one disappearing on him can ever really effect him if he doesn't bring himself to care enough. It's just that simple. 

Robert nods his head and smiles. “Same here.” He lies, and when he looks up, the man has vanished and Robert can't breathe.

He doesn’t know what to do with himself for the first time in too long. 

 

::

 

It's tight against his wrist and he nearly jumps back against it as he feels it wriggling against his skin.

It almost melts itself into place and his heart races against the pressure it suddenly gives on his body. It almost pulsates through him and he's only a boy who's suddenly twelve and who very suddenly has his own wrist band to don.

“Will it ever do anything?” He's frowning up at his mother and she hasn't been ripped from him yet.

She looks at him with this panicked look on her face and she smells like stale bread and onion soup. 

“It might vibrate when you're around the other comrades. It shows your emotion see love,” She kneels, holds Robert's wrist up and he watches the silver of it shine against the window. It already feels like this giant weight and he doesn't want to grow up after all. “It just shows everyone your love for the State. That's all.”

And she smiles, and Robert blindly trusts her. 

He trusts that the stupid thing will only vibrate or operate at all when he's in the company of his other comrades. Perhaps in a frenzy of some sort, like the two minutes hate.

Not for absolutely any other reason.

 

 

::

 

There's another bomb falling on London Bridge apparently and his fingers can't type quick enough as he attempts to keep up with the news around him.

They *say a bomb has dropped and that three comrades have lost their life but Robert is so painfully unconvinced that he feels this blackness ooze through him as he works. He's like this because it can't be real, because there's just absolutely no way that a _bomb_ has obliterated London Bridge and yet _no one_ has felt even the _smallest_ shake beneath them.

Robert keeps his head down as thinks about it, eyes flickering all over the place as he tries his hardest not to give away how much he doesn't believe. But then Jimmy is approaching him with Dull Dan, Comrade Spencer if he's being formal, and Robert has to engage in some sort of talk about the event.

“God, it was probably a close one.”Jimmy says, face sweaty and red and there's something bubbling inside of Robert's stomach as he speaks. 

Sometimes, just sometimes, he wishes he could shake the stupidity out of him. But they'd be no use in that, no use at all. He'd probably be too stupid to even gather what's happening.

“Probably. We're lucky they didn't put sirens on.” Dan's got mustard on his tie and it's the only thing Robert can bring himself to care about. 

Jimmy nods his head a little and then gulps hard as Robert looks up at him with this blank expression on his. 

“Why do you think?” Jimmy's asking, tilting his head and he has this sudden seriousness about him that always comes when he thinks someone is undermining the system or something ridiculous like that.

Robert pales a little under the weight of the question and then he almost feels like he's about to blurt out something that won't sound right. There's a bead of sweat running down his forehead and his hands turn clammy just before he manages to be interrupted by the sound of paper falling flat against the floor.

“Adam, hurry up.”

He hears the voice and it trickles down him so suddenly that he’s forced to sit up straighter and something small begins to vibrate inside. 

And it won't even stop when Robert wills it do.

He just looks up and sees the man standing there with one of the Barton comrades and he feels his throat close up. 

Robert blinks once, and then twice and the man is still standing there shuffling on his feet and bending down to pick the papers up from the floor. He's wearing this awfully neon jacket over his overalls and Robert suddenly is certain that he's from _below_. 

“How come they're up here?” Dan's frowning, his awkward shuffling of feet makes Robert tense up a bit and he nearly takes his eyes off the man but then finds he _can't_. He's incapable, mind almost frozen towards the bloke who has been in his dreams for _years_.

It’s mental. He’s mental?

Jimmy shrugs. “I'm not sure.” He scratches his head and then calls out for Barton like he wants an explanation.

Adam turns around suddenly and Robert's face reddens under the weight of his clear confusion. He holds a pen underneath the table and grips hold of it tightly as the man next to Adam keeps his head down.

“Mr White wants us to inspect all the buildings after the bomb scare.” Adam says, and Robert finally manages to look at Adam and the hard hat he has on.

The State employ less than thirty of him, people that they can use for manual labour and general maintenance. He's had a total of three conversations with Adam and they've all revolved around fixing his computer after an 'internet bug' has invaded.

He's a talker, laps up the idea of helping solve the issues that Robert is painfully certain are only _there_ because of the State in the first place. They reckon they’re so clever but Robert knows. They do it all the time, invade and _spy_ and then attempt to tell everyone they're helping. And Robert sees through it in a way that Adam will never have the chance to.

“Oh.” Jimmy's obviously embarrassed by his previously sharp tone and adjusts his tie before walking away from Robert's desk as quietly as he can and Robert is aware of _why_. It's because he uttered the name 'Mr. White' and it was too vague for him to question.

It could be _him_. The leader. The _sovereign_. 

Whatever you want to say. 

Robert closes his eyes and sees his painting in his living room, just above the fireplace. 

Their saviour. 

But that's for another day. Robert doesn't even want to think about that now that the man is still close to him like this. 

Well not close, but close enough and the pencil that Robert was shaking in his hand is now on the floor, rolling and rolling and he doesn't dare to look at it go. Instead he quietly gets back to his work and watches Adam and the man carry on inspecting with little care about how quiet they're being. 

For a second, Robert wonders if the man is somehow watching him on purpose. If this is a game, set by the State to test loyalty and it wouldn't be the first. It wouldn't be the first time Lawrence White was responsible for messing with Robert's head and testing his loyalty.

Their Saviour is the reason why Robert doesn't have a family anymore and surprisingly that’s not just something Robert can forget about. Because he was tested and they disappeared and he's *alone now isn't he? 

He can almost still see the place burning down if he tries hard enough to hurt himself. Which he does do, a lot. More than a healthy amount anyway.

Loneliness however, is merely appreciation of one's self. That's what Robert knows to be true from the State anyway. He's aware that his situation isn't ideal, he should have a wife and children by now and should not be living in a house with one room and a leaky roof. Yet he is. 

And quite frankly, he's been _waiting_ for this to happen. He's been waiting for someone to intervene with his rebellion even in the slightest way possible and here it is.

They've somehow managed to enter his dreams and produce this _man_ in the flesh, right in front of him and -

He won't stop staring at him either. The man is there, still there, eyes flickering and face red and beard cut short on his face like he's made some sort of effort and Robert can imagine him wearing a suit or something like that. 

He looks like he's perfectly undercover and Robert can't breathe against the way he's being watched.

He's saved by the alarm going off though. 

Apparently Millennium Bridge is under threat now.

 

::

 

By the end of the week, Robert is particularly certain that the man is following him. 

He sees him every morning and as soon as he finishes work, sometimes he feels his breath against his neck and everything vibrates through him in this unimaginable way. Robert's mastered the art of keeping his head down and simply pretending that he doesn't know what's going on but the man does, surely?

Robert sits in the old cafe by the offices and watches the world go by as he tries to pinpoint what exactly he has done *so wrong that he has to be followed like this. The first thought that springs to mind is his love for reading, it's not the most deadliest sin but it's up there and maybe they're threatened by the imagination that he's getting from outside points of view. 

Reading is the invention of the enemy, apparently, it works to rip at your brain and fill it with ideas that you do not need to entertain yourself with. 

Robert's mastered that phrase, hears it blasted on the radio every single morning whilst he knocks back the amber liquid and sets about his day. He's fully aware that it doesn't actually mean that, he's aware that unlike so many other Comrades, he can shut his eyes and be in a flowery meadow if he wishes. 

He can picture it, he can picture a happiness outside of this _world_ and the greyness and the way no one is allowed to be themselves.

A clog in a big wheel. 

The thought slams into Robert's head almost like they're _wanting_ him to remember his place, it manages to unsettle him so quickly that his hands begin to shake against it. 

The coffee he's drinking taste like dirt and if the rain wasn't pouring so quickly now he'd leave. Instead, he watches it trickle down the window and then sights Dan and his wife Kerry walking down the road. There's still this sadness inside of him when he sees what should be married couples together in public acting like total strangers. 

You're not allowed to touch other Comrades.

You're not allowed to _love_ other Comrades either because —

Robert feels something get stuck in his throat as he thinks about his mother suddenly. 

She loved him, she loved him with her entire heart but she was the perfect example of loving someone _too_ much. There's a danger in love, especially familial love. It's the only thing that Robert actually agrees on when it comes to the State policies. 

You don't love each other, you love the State because there's a certainty in that bond. It's unbreakable. The State can’t leave you the way people do.

Kerry's swinging their daughter in between her until the young girl hits out at her and runs towards a poster of the Father. The white sash she has on almost whitens under his presence and Robert suddenly realises that she's probably going off to join the Youth League.

The young girl seems like the perfect fit for the group, fierce, already so independent despite not looking an hour over seven years old. Robert watches her wave to her parents with a glint of something dangerous in her eyes and then he watches Kerry shudder, her eyes droopy and face pale and the rain just keeps pouring until Comrade Hope is shuffling him out of the cafe and the sirens start.

The air smells damp as Robert travels home and he keeps his head down, tries moving his feet as quickly as they can go because soon the guards will arrive and start moving him along harshly just because. The ground beneath him almost makes him slip and then suddenly he feels a hand pressed on his arm and someone is holding him up.

For a second, he's too embarrassed to even look up and decides to settle for a short nod of the head and then quickly passing on. But he's unable to do that when he finally looks at the person and sees that it's the man. He's staring right at him, donning all black and has this intense look in his eyes as he holds onto Robert's arm.

“Thanks.” Robert manages to say, seconds, maybe minutes later and his whole body is vibrating against the feel of the man's hand on his flipping arm. 

The man keeps breathing deeply, panting almost and Robert doesn't know what to do until the man lets go and nods at him. 

He looks like he’s searching into his soul, taking him apart piece by pierce by just standing there. Robert is letting him. He really is letting him do this.

Mouth open, parted slightly, _enough_ , like he’s waiting.

But then the man pulls his hand away, searches one last time and then vanishes.

He goes and Robert doesn't know how to breathe until he's laying in bed that night and dreaming of his face. 

 

::

 

The radio is particularly loud this morning and there's this booming quality about it that makes Robert want to hide under the covers. 

He can't though.

“Comrade Sugden, get those legs working.” Robert hears, and when he listens closer he's suddenly aware of whose voice it is. 

Rebecca White. The daughter of their Saviour. Regal, beautiful, the face of the State with her cheesy grin and porcelain skin. Everything about her makes Robert’s head hurt. 

Still, he rises with a huff and starts his weekly exercises because he’s not an idiot. He’s swinging from side to side and then suddenly he sights his wrist in the mirror and he nearly buckles. It's red raw, his bracelet has almost expanded against his skin and it doesn’t do that.

Robert keeps staring at it and then he's back to where he was last night and that man had his hands on him for too long. He was everywhere, felt this tingle spread through him and it was almost like coming alive in the damp air and the night sky and Robert can't bring himself to forget about it.

He marked him. Like property. Like he meant something. Like he was a Someone to him. 

Robert’s eyes flicker, dread edges through him as he thinks about trying to take it away. He doesn’t want to. He should want it gone but he doesn’t. He knows that he has to cover up the state of it, completely get rid of the way his bracelet clearly lost its mind last night and decided to rebel. 

It shouldn't do _anything_ outside of the company of the State family and considering Lawrence, his two daughters and grandson weren't around last night, there's something deeply wrong about what's happening to him.

He’s probably dying or something. 

 

••

 

Robert takes the short cut to work, head down like always and his baggiest shirt on to try and hide the way his wrist still seems to be burning. It won't *stop and the man from last night now is most definitely messing with his head in this manipulative way that makes him feel sick. 

He's a spy. That's as clear as day, it _has_ to be as clear as day and Robert absolutely hates him. He hates a stranger?

A man who the State have somehow put in his dreams every night, a man who yesterday made him _feel_ when he shouldn't have.

Because rules are simple enough to understand. You don't _feel_ , not strong emotions, nor anything _above_ the loyalty and love you feel for the State itself. And yet yesterday had changed things entirely. 

All because of the spy.

 

::

 

The streets are packed for a reason Robert isn't even sure of, and there's a smokiness around the markets that makes him almost wheeze. 

It's just after six, the moon rests high in the sky and Robert wills himself to believe that it's actually dark and that the State haven't just magically altered the existence of time.

If he told anyone about his theories, he'd probably be hung or something ridiculous like that. Or people would call him Cain Dingle and he'd rather die than be associated with that man, because he protests against almost everything but he's secret about it and there's no way he's risking his life for anything.

He'll silently rebel until he day he dies, or the catch him, the man with the blue eyes namely. 

There's smoke in the air as he charges through the crowd and then suddenly he feels a hand twisted against his own. It takes him a few seconds to understand what's happening because the crowd is practically heaving at this point and he can't see heads from bodies really. 

But _then_ —

There's a darkness suddenly, the market stalls lights shatter and everything is filled with this blackness that Robert can't escape from. The person is still holding his hand, and so quickly the hand he is holding is pressed against his lips and replaced with a mouth and —

He's being kissed.

There's people flapping about in the darkness, babies wailing and the sound of men jeering for the guards to arrive and fix the situation because they're so _hapless_ but Robert can't feel anything except a mouth on his.

And a beard, gruff, rough against his paling skin and someone panting into his mouth over and over again before they move away and press their hand on Robert's chest.

“Robert.” He hears them whisper, “I found you.”

Robert frowns so suddenly that he almost falls back on an angry mother in the crowd, but then the lights are turned back on and —

The man is standing there and Robert's bracelet has never vibrated so intensely before in his life. It’s burning through his skin.

The man is still wearing all black, hair gelled and eyes wide and face flushed with an intensity that makes Robert only match it. 

“Found me?” He's a spy, he's a twisted spy who maybe fancies Robert but he's a _spy_ regardless and that was surely his betrayal with a kiss. 

The man's eyes are wet and the crowd part them in this awful way before Robert can say anything else. 

He does feel a note slip into his hand though as they are swept away by the crowd of angry Comrades.

It says one thing:

'Flower-fields.'

 

::

 

Robert practically runs all the way home, pants hard and fast as he slams the door shut and slides down onto the floor.

He doesn't move for the whole night against exactly what the man has done to him.

And how he suddenly feels alive for the first time in his whole life.

He touches his lips before turning over and shutting his eyes.

 

::

 

Robert's lips burn until he sees Aaron next. They tingle in this guilty way because to give into something as sinful as passion makes the State lose their whole minds.

Rightly so. Maybe. 

He knows it's wrong, knows with every single fibre in his soul that he should be married with children who he fears, children who love the State more than they love him, with a wife who adores the State more than she tolerates him. 

He knows with definite proof that he should *not be standing in a meadow near the edge of London as the sun is setting, waiting for a strange man who most likely will kill him if he has the chance.

It's not like he's *not debated this. He really has spent the passed three days attempting to forgot all about exactly what happened in that market when the lights turned off but it's hard to forget when every time he imagines it, his bracelet vibrates. He's began to now hide it under clothes, away from the prying eyes of Kerry or Laurel or Brenda and there's painful recognition of his eventual capturing infiltrating his mind every time he does so. They're bound to realise aren't they?

So to hell with it, meet the man, risk life until he takes yours. That makes sense in his own head. 

Robert drums a hand down on his thigh along to a rhythm he's not familiar with, his mind stretches towards a forgotten past, one he doesn't remember as much as he should. He sees his mother there, smiling and singing this song and now he tries to reenact the moment. There's a faint smile on his face as he does so and he's under this knowledge that the State have no ability to get rid of _this_.

They hate Personalism, but they can't possibly destroy abstract ideas like memory? Robert can cling onto that and his family until the day he dies and there's a sweet comfort in that sometimes, other times it just makes him realise how painfully alone his existence is without them.

There's a sound of feet rushing suddenly and Robert's whole body freezes. If anyone was to catch him now they'd be about a million questions asked. Here he is, in what can only be described as the slums of London, dressed in his ordinary suit and tie. He's painfully out of place and this has to be a trap doesn't it?

The thought stretches through his mind and halts every desire to kiss the man again, he stands suddenly and decides that bolting it would be a good idea. But he doesn't get to, a hand is firm on his shoulder before he can make a move and Robert panics, flips and struggles and suddenly he's against the wheat growing and looking up at the man.

The Man.

He's got a frown on his face, eyes wide and looks like he hasn't the faintest idea why Robert would want to run away.

“What are you doing?” He asks and Robert blinks up at him, he decides that if he's trying to act dumb, he won't play that game.

He pulls his hands up in front of him and his chin wobbles. “I'll - I'll come quietly, you don't - don't need to hurt me.”

The man has a knee in Robert stomach and it painfully jabs away, he winces under the pressure of it as the man stares down.

“Why would I want to hurt you?” The man says, voice suddenly soft and Robert looks down at his stomach before the man is shuffling himself away. “Shit, sorry.”

Robert's eyes widen under the sound of his cursing. He hasn't heard someone swear in years and it bubbles something right through him until he nods. 

“What do you want from me?” Robert says, voice small and frightened suddenly and the man just keeps frowning before he's pulling at Robert's shirt and crashing his lips against Robert's again.

Their bracelets vibrate again, *together, they seem to tingle and burst until the man is pulling away. 

“There's a barn, up there.” Aaron says, and Robert's hands shake under the weight of what he means.

 

::

 

The barn is filthy, hasn't been used for decades and Robert knows that since London was industrialised there was suddenly a lack of use for them.

He turns his head around the place and then looks back at the way the man is suddenly undressing. 

“What are you —“

The man raises his head, “I can't wait much longer can I? Not now I've found you.”

And there it is again.

“What does that even mean?”Robert's asking, and the man steps forward, his hair isn't gelled like it was the other day, now it has curls to it. “I don't get —“

“You're the man in my dreams.”The man whispers, raises his bracelet and it vibrates as he holds Robert's hand. “And I found ya.” He can hardly breathe against the emotion in his voice and suddenly he sweeps Robert up in his arms and —

Robert has never felt so alive.

 

::

 

Robert also hasn't had sex for a Very Long Time and so the experience is shorter than the Two Minutes hate. He's breathless and _spent_ already and the man just looks at him as he lays there flat out, naked against him. 

There's something almost mesmerising about the secrecy of him and Robert's throat dries up over it before the man starts kissing at his neck and then pulls away. He's not even the slightest bit out of breath. Robert is slightly in awe of him.

“You done this before then?” Robert says, voice steady like the man hasn't just completely flipped his insides out. 

He has. He really has.

The man looks at him like he doesn’t know what to say for a second. “Yeah. You'd be surprised how many gay blokes are at the top of this pyramid they have." He says, and Robert’s heart races, he hasn’t heard anyone say that before. Not in the flesh. Not like this. But the man doesn’t even seem fazed, he just turns around and gulps. “My name's Aaron.” And for the first time he blushes because he hasn't even told Robert that yet.

He probably should have. He’s a dick who got caught up in just seeing him, being with him for the first time. 

Robert just keeps staring at him, feels this need to try and cover himself up and look presentable but Aaron doesn't seem to care about appearances, he just slept with him without a care in the world.

Robert goes to speak and then Aaron has this warmth in his eyes. “I know your name.” He says. "Robert Jacob Sugden." 

Middle name and everything. 

There's this beat of something between them and Robert's mouth hangs open. "How do —“

"I found out. Like I said, people are willing to give things if they get things if you know what I mean." Aaron says, a faint smile on his face that only falls when Robert looks more than a little unimpressed. He’s suddenly angry at himself for fucking things up, making Robert look at him like that. “Sex is nothing Robert." He says. “It never has been, the State tried to make it dirty didn't they? Make it something we should all _hate_. But it's not is it? What we just did wasn't —“

Robert can’t deny that, the stretch of their bodies, foreheads presses together and mouths colliding, was wrong. He shakes his head slowly. “It wasn't.” And his in absolute awe of Aaron, his whole body feels like he's in this trance and Aaron melts under it before cupping Robert's face.

“I've been waiting for this, for so long.” He whispers, bites his lip just a little and then smiles as Robert stares at him. “To have you, here.” There's a hint of something in his voice. “Again, and again, and again."

And Robert falls under the weight of how much he wants Aaron.

Again and again and again. 

It's dark by the time Aaron is finished doing that thing with his tongue and Robert is flushed against how much time they have spent here doing things they shouldn't. 

His whole body aches in this beautiful way that he's missed and Aaron gathers his clothes back on him with an ease. Hands sliding against buttons, mouth slightly parted like he’s finally lost his breath. 

“No one can know about this.” Robert blurts out suddenly as he looks at him. He’s surprised he hasn’t said anything before. “It was a mistake, yes?” He can hardly look up at Aaron as he speaks.

Aaron stops what he's doing and has his hands on his hips. “No it wasn't.” He says boldly. “But you're right — I just had to find you and —"

“Spend hours having sex with me? That's what all the lurking and creeping about was all for?” Robert feels vulnerable against the way Aaron makes him feel. He can’t help it.

Aaron's eyes flicker, this pull to kiss Robert is back again and he doesn't say anything.

“I get it." Robert whispers, still naked and amongst the hay. He itches but he doesn’t move, instead he reaches for some and ruins it in his hand by clumping it together. "I'm just like the other men? Is that what you do — hold it against them or something? Threaten to go to the State and —"

Aaron feels something in his chest collapse against his words and suddenly Robert finds himself being shaken against the hay with a ferocity he doesn't quite understand. 

“You're _different_ , you stupid fuck." Aaron growls, hands flying all over the place. “I've spent my whole life looking for _you_ , the man in my dreams and all the others? They were helping me cope without you.”

He's pouring out all these words and Robert is stunned under how emotional he is about it. He doesn't know him, doesn't know a _thing_ about him but apparently Aaron's spent his whole life trying to find him and —

Robert pulls a hand up tentatively and holds Aaron's face. “We don't know each other Aaron.” He says softly. 

“I know _you_.” Aaron whispers back, and something threatens to slip out but he holds it back. “I just needed to see you, on your own. Just once. I'll leave you alone from now on.” He promises, softens his hands against Robert and then presses a kiss to his mouth again and Robert doesn't know how not to deepen it.

He hasn't kissed like this for absolute years. 

There's never been this level of heat and desire and _want_ and it's so painfully dangerous that Robert almost feels his body attempting to drag himself away but Aaron slams his hands down and his powerless against it all.

Aaron rips his mouth away after a few seconds and Robert pushes at his looming chest.

“You have to go. No one — if they found out about this Aaron, we'd be _dead_." They'd kill them just like they've killed all the others who have 'disappeared' over night without a trace.

Aaron nods his head, he knows, he _knows_. “Alright.” He says, pulls himself away and then gets back to his clothes. 

They both dress in silence and Robert is sure that the sirens have already gone off. He'll have to creep back into his home and avoid the looming cameras and the thought petrifies him.

“Hold the camera by the back, there's a switch that cuts off how visible the room is." Aaron says as they walk back out of the barn and towards the city again. Robert raises his head and frowns at him but Aaron just smiles. “I know a bit about keeping things secret.” 

There's something dark in his eyes and Robert suddenly wants to kiss it away.

“Okay.” Robert whispers, and Aaron is too over the edge not to hold at his hand before Robert leaves him. 

“Goodbye.” He says, and Robert is certain that despite what they have promised, this won't be the last night he spends with Aaron.

 

::

 

There's a threat of war coming in as he types up a news article and tries his hardest to bite his tongue against the way everyone is talking about the way Pete Barton had bravely defended them from a bomb being thrown on the building.

It's ridiculous, the way everyone is so amazingly in awe of the man and his efforts that didn't even happen. That much is clear.

The Barton is standing in the office now and everyone is taking his picture, the sound of the camera is enough to make Robert wince against their stupidity. 

It's all he can think about when he approaches the canteen and waits in the line. He has his head down because he's attempting to wait until Jimmy and Dan have finished up and gone. He can't eat on his own though, that would only arose suspicion and suddenly he thinks it would be easy if he had a wife.

One who tolerated him and had sex for the sake of children, as a sort of worship for the State. 

It's a dark thought, one that he often thinks about when he's alone. But then he's not on his own. 

He hears Adam coming up behind him and he's not really supposed to be mixing with the manual workers but he can't exactly get up and leave. 

"Hi. There's not a lot of space elsewhere. Do you mind if we sit here?" Adam has sweat dripping from his brow and he smells like oil and rubber and Robert doesn't want to say yes.

“We?" He asks instead and then that's when he sees Aaron.

He's not forgotten about what happened but they've made the effort of absolutely avoiding each other for the last week. It doesn't help that they work in the same building and Robert has about a million different questions that have gone unanswered since that night. 

Just seeing him makes his bracelet vibrate violently and he yanks his hands under the table for both of their sakes. He tells himself to get a grip too. But Aaron’s just staring at him with the smallest smile on his face and Robert has never felt like this before.

He's just a bloke, a bloke in a dead end job with hardly any prospects and he's about as mysterious as they come but Robert has _never felt like this_ before. It tingles right through him and makes his legs feel like they're about to fall off. 

“Yeah. Sure." Robert shrugs suddenly, watches Aaron sit opposite him and begin to eat the stale bread and lump of blackened butter. 

Adam's completely unaware of the tension between them and Robert is so thankful that he smiles at him a little when he looks his way and starts rabbiting on about how proud he is of his cousin Pete Barton. 

“Yeah. It's quite extraordinary.” Robert says, nods his head a little and soon Adam's swept up in the round of applause Barton gets as he comes into the room. 

“I need to go say congratulations.” Adam says hastily, gets up and Aaron rolls his eyes before he's gone and there's this _thing_ between them still.

“It didn't work.” Aaron whispers, feels his heart beat out of his chest so suddenly that it aches and he can't contain it anymore. “I thought — one night with you was enough but it wasn't.” He keeps his head done, he's fully aware that the cameras will read his lips if he looks right at Robert.

Robert's eyes widen a little and he feels Aaron skirt a foot close towards his so gently that he shudders. 

"I can't help it." 

Robert lets him talk, tries his hardest to digest what he's saying and he doesn't know what he's supposed to say _back_. So he doesn't say anything.

“Meet me at the old library in Forest Gate tonight, please.” Aaron holds his breath against the way Robert suddenly nods his head and then he disappears and Robert is so painfully aware of how dangerous this all is.

It doesn't stop him meeting him though, he follows his exact instructions and creeps into an old padded door at the bottom of the road. The place is pitch black before he goes inside and sees a single candle burning and Aaron standing by the window.

The room looks deserted, dust and blackness around it but Aaron manages to make it brighter. 

“You came?” Aaron says, suddenly nervous.

“Yeah. I said I would.” Robert waves a hand out and comes further into the room, there's absolutely nothing around the space but an old rumpled blanket and the candle burning. It's blissfully bare in a way most things aren't these days.

Aaron has his hands behind his back and then brings them forward. "I know we said we wouldn't do this —“

“Because it's wrong.” Robert blurts out, frowns a little. “We're _mad_ if we think we can be like this together.” His whole face turns red and he's suddenly finding it hard to breathe. “We can't.”

Aaron bites at his lip and his eyes flicker. “I can't stop thinking about that night." He whispers, because he was suddenly absolutely intoxicated by Robert and felt like he was alive for the first time in his life. 

It’s sort of that simple when it shouldn’t be. He dares to move forward and Robert's bracelet starts to vibrate again.

“Look.” Aaron smiles a little. “Neither can you." His eyes fall towards Robert's bracelet until the older man presses against it and tries to make it stop. “Robert —“

“Don't.” Robert shakes his head and he's not sure where this is coming from but it won't stop, this need to scream and tell Aaron to piss off and leave him alone. “It can't mean anything.”

“It does.”

“Well, we need to ignore it.” Robert says, nods his head steadily. “I'm not *gay, we — we can't have sex and do what we did because we will die.” He says, only Aaron doesn't even flinch. He doesn’t care. Or he’s a hard man. 

“The State have bigger things on their mind then two men fucking.” Aaron says and Robert winces under him swearing, under how terrifyingly beautiful Aaron is. Under all of him basically. He makes his heart quiver and he's absolutely under his spell. 

“Aaron...” Robert starts, but Aaron won't let him finish. He kisses him with a gentleness that Robert isn't used to, it manages to quiet everything until he hears something and he yanks his face away from Aaron's so abruptly that he nearly falls over.

“It was a gust of wind.” Aaron hisses, embarrassed by how caught up in it he was and the way his bracelet almost shrieks against his skin.

Robert scowls at him. “You don't get it do you? That could have been a guard.” He says, wipes at his mouth and watches how visibly hurt it makes Aaron. “We can't -“

“You think I want this?” Aaron suddenly admits. “It'd be easy if I preferred women, but I don't. I prefer _you_ and -“

“You don't _know_ me.” Robert shouts, he rarely does and Aaron shakes against it.

“You've been in my dreams. I know enough okay? You've been in my _dreams_. Surely that's a —“

“What, a sign?” Robert starts pacing, eyes wide at Aaron's words. “It's probably a trap Aaron. We'll get caught and they'll hang us, torture us or — or —“ he's getting worked up and he doesn't want to but it's just —

*Aaron.

Life was a lot easier when he was bored shitless and destined to die alone. 

“Who cares what they think?" Aaron suddenly asks and it's pretty much blasphemous so Robert has to start pacing even quicker. “Robert. I want to see you.”

Robert huffs. “For sex.” He blurts out, doesn't push because the last time he did Aaron was saying that he wasn't like all the others and that's too much to even consider right now. Instead he just keeps his head down and waits for Aaron to say something.

He doesn't though, he just comes forward and holds at Robert's waist. “Tell me to stop and I will.” He says, pulls at Robert's tie with his left hand and keeps the right one on Robert's waist.

And Robert finds his clothes scattered against the floor and it hard to breathe twenty minutes later.

The floor is awfully uncomfortable and dirty and he tries to concentrate on Aaron and only Aaron. It's not hard either. 

His presence is breathtaking.

“I hate you.” Aaron suddenly blurts out as he looks at Robert, he's naked and has his legs tucked up towards his chin tightly. He's trying to hide himself, stop his hands from shaking under the weight of how _much_ being like that with Robert has the ability to make him feel everything all at once. 

Robert steadies his breath and places a hand right down on Aaron's chest. He suddenly knows exactly how he feels. “I hate you too.”

 

::

 

He doesn't know how he's supposed to pretend that him and Aaron haven't met up twice now for sex because it's all he can think about.

Every single time the door goes in the office he thinks someone is coming to _catch_ him for his flipping crimes, because that's exactly what they are.

To say he's paranoid is a gross flipping understatement and he ends up at Bob's cafe with an old book and too many questions to try and discover the answers to.

It's a first edition book, one he found in an old cupboard at the office, buried far back like people wanted it to be forgotten about. There's Lawrence's face on it, his eyes smeared over with a black strip like all the posters are. It's meant to pretend that he is trusting, allows you to be free autonomous creatures of the land. It's the scariest trick in the whole book. 

Robert has his head buried into the bracelet section and he tries to work out exactly what hold they have over his emotions. He remembers his mother, a torn expression on her face as she put it on him but not much else. No one actually knows their purpose apart from reacting within the two minutes hate but there must be more to it than that.

Surely.

The section isn't lengthy, essentially just sums up the fact that the bracelet's can never be taken of and are simply the _'Expression of one's faith and complete adoration for the State'_

It sounds ominous and Robert gulps down exactly what it means whilst secretly hating the fact that his doesn't like abiding to rules it seems. He hits at it underneath the table and wonders if there's just something wrong with his and Aaron's. Maybe that's why they go wild whenever they're with each other.

Robert tries his hardest to think about just that and then sees a small section near the bottom of the page:

'The bracelet is essentially able to convey one's emotions towards the State, for effect to take place without being in the presence of mass crowd, there is cause to turn one's self over towards the State. Clearly, without question in mind, one can be certain that there is something wholly wrong with them which must be fixed by the Ministry of Love.'

Robert feels his mouth turn dry against the words and something won't stop growing in his chest and making it hard to breathe.

Something _wrong_. There's clearly something _wrong_ with him and that's not a feeling you can get over easily is it? 

But neither is whatever he feels whenever he thinks about Aaron. 

 

::

 

Robert waits until there's hardly anyone around at the office, he waits with baited breath and a darkness about his eyes and attempts to clear his thoughts about anything other than trying to find Aaron.

He's probably downstairs, deep down in the factory stalls and Robert shouldn't go down there now because it would only cause further suspicion and that wouldn't help either of them. 

He doesn't have to wait anymore, because Aaron appears out of the corner of his eye just as he starts to finish his draft about the need for rationing again to bring about a valued consensus. He hasn't seen him yet, has a screw driver in hand and twists at the camera in the room and then heads towards the toilets. 

Robert stands, follows him and Aaron catches Robert looking at him through the mirror. It brings a soft smile to his face instantly and he has to try hard to pretend it doesn't. 

“Hi.” Aaron whispers, and Robert smiles at him before Aaron's pinning him against the wall and losing all senses as he kisses at Robert's neck. “You're always in a suit you.” He says and Robert squirms away from him a little. “*Relax, the cameras are down in here.”

And Robert hopes and prays it was that simple, that a camera being shut down would be enough to keep the State out. It's wishful thinking, he knows it is. It sucks.

“I'm not here for this.” Robert tells him, walks towards the sink and pretends to be acting busy as he thinks about what to actually say. He clears his throat and Aaron feels something inside him start to close up. “I found out about the bracelets, we're degenerates.” 

And something aches in his chest suddenly as he thinks about his father. He sees the sadness and the disappointment in his eyes over and over and over and over again and it blanks out everything else until Aaron shouts.

“According to fucking _who_?” He's shaking with his anger and the way this man in front of him seems to crumple under the orders of the State. 

It breaks his heart, Robert breaks his heart. It fucking hurts.

Robert turns to look at him and he doesn't know what to say as his chin wobbles just a little.

Aaron walks towards Robert and his bracelet vibrates suddenly. “Look, we're attracted to each other. Not the State. Granted it's - it's not the norm but —“ Robert looks away and Aaron punches his arm lightly. “We can't fight it, can we?”

And Robert knows that the answer is a fat *no so he nods a little slowly and sighs. “We _have_ to be careful.”

Aaron gulps hard, “I know all the tricks to get round the big man.” He says and Robert is suddenly safe around Aaron for the first time.

 

::

 

Robert survives another week of Two Minutes Hate, decides to scream out as much anger as he can and direct it all towards Aaron as he does so because believe it or not, he absolutely cannot stand Aaron for what he's done to him.

He's in the canteen by the time he can get a second alone with him again and his bracelet begins to vibrate as he approaches the table with his head down.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous by the greyness in the world seems to evaporate and begin to look colourful under the weight of Aaron sitting opposite him suddenly. The feeling makes Robert catch his breath and its uncontrollable in this awfully sad way which makes him gulp hard as Aaron looks at him. 

“We can't meet in that library anymore. You don't like it. So — there's a room on top of the b&b that we can use.”

 _Use_. 

Robert frowns a little against it before he stabs a fork into his charred stick of *something and sighs hard. “Okay.” He says softly and underneath the table he feels Aaron kick a leg against him. He raises his head a little and his eyes widen under the weight of the touch.

Aaron only smirks.

 

::

 

The room isn't too shabby itself when Robert first comes inside and sees Aaron sitting on the bed with a soft smile on his face. He looks like a teenager and all of *this feels like they really are *just teenagers really. 

Robert looks at the small bed in the middle of the room and the rusting iron bars that hold it up. He suddenly thinks of his mother and he tries to shake it off as quickly as he can under the weight of the room around him. There's a window here as well, just shy of being too big and looming and Robert knows that he'll avoid standing too close.

“It's not much.” Aaron blurts out, feels heavy under the way Robert looks around as he stands by the door. He presses a hand down on his bracelet as it vibrates and Robert feels his do the same.

Robert looks at him for a second. “How do you get it?” He asks, feels the moon spotlight the two of them in the room and he wants the curtains to be thicker than they are, he wants to be hidden even more than this. He feels almost like Lawrence himself is watching him, Lachlan and his even creepier self is only nearby waiting to pounce.

The thought of the young boy used to give him nightmares and it sounds absolutely pathetic but perfectly true. Lachlan White is the future of the State in absolutely every way possible and to come to terms with how scarily sinister he has the ability to be makes something knot in Robert's stomach.

And the worst thing about it is, he's the capital's darling son. 

Robert doesn't want to think about the way he has guards for him. The LW's patrol the streets, not in this area though, no, this area is expected to belong to those of Rational and Sane minds. In short, those who are the most passive and have made themselves believe that they somehow benefit from the government they have in place and so doesn't need to be patrolled so heavily.

Aaron doesn't fit that description though, he doesn't seem the type with a family and children and suddenly Robert finds himself wanting to know all about him. It only makes his bracelet burn against his skin. 

He hates it.

"The bloke downstairs didn't ask questions." Aaron explains, kicks a leg against the bed and then frowns. "You don't have to look so worried." He says. 

Only Robert still feels like all of this is so much to get his head around if he's being honest. This is the *third time this has happened, it's not a coincidence anymore, it's a _pattern_. One that has been planned and he's struggling to come up with ideas to explain to the State when they capture him.

Because they will.

It's just a matter of when now.

“Aren't you?” Robert blurts out, hands tight against him and the cold seeping through the floorboards. He shakes his head though as he remembers what Aaron had told him when they were in that old barn. “You're used to this, I'm not.” He says.

Only Aaron isn't used to _this_. “I don't go back a second time, let alone a third.” He blushes hard and hates this ponce for making him have to offload and be absolutely ridiculous and soppy about things he doesn't want to be. It feels like Robert is just pushing him further and further over the edge and he has absolutely no say over what comes out of his mouth next. He's just in awe of him in this painful way that he despises. 

Robert arches an eyebrow and then slowly walks towards the bed to sit next to Aaron. The space between them may as well be miles and Robert is having one of those awful self doubt moments before Aaron suddenly grips his thigh and kisses his neck.

And he keeps kissing him until Robert feels light underneath it all. “Aaron,” he breathes out before they collide together again.

After, they get to have an _after_. They're naked and have the sheets pulled over them and Robert shuts his eyes under the way Aaron strokes his hair.

He pictures a soft field and _love_ and his sister giggling as his mother combs through his hair and it makes him jump up so quickly that Aaron follows him in fright.

“Did you hear someone?” Aaron asks, this fear sparking through him for the first time and as Robert looks at him, he sees that Aaron's not just this big beefy bloke, he has his own issues. He's only reminded of it as he looks down at his stomach and sees that he's clearly hurt himself.

He thinks about the last person he know who did that. He thinks of his brother.

And then he shakes his head.

“No, there's —“

Aaron's eyes flicker. “Don't judge me.” He barks out, voice shaky and lost in a way that makes him feel like he's a little boy again and he respects the State for taking his father away and hanging him like they did. “You don't get to judge me.” He says again and Robert holds him by the shoulders.

“I wasn't." Robert promises, “I — I just —“

“Just what?” Aaron pulls the sheets over him tighter and Robert doesn't know how he's supposed to approach this. He hasn't been like this with anyone for absolutely years but somehow he feels compelled to reach out and hold Aaron's hand.

Their bracelets lose their whole minds and for the first time, Robert isn't scared of the State knowing about this.

Because despite absolutely everything he was ever told and love and marriage, the way Aaron gently gives in under Robert's touch and falls towards his chest is almost breathtaking.

It takes a few seconds before Aaron gets himself together, and whilst he's struggling he can feel Robert gently rubbing his back and saying things he didn't expect to hear outside of the dreams he kept having before he ever found Robert. The dreams which felt so sincere and beautiful.

“I didn't mean to pry.” Robert admits, wasn't exactly sure what he was planing on saying but seeing the scars so perfectly under this light had the potential to awaken something within him. He hadn't seen them this clearly before, but now there's no denying that Aaron had probably been called degenerative once or twice in his life.

Aaron raises his head suddenly and then shakes it. “Could hardly ignore it.” He says, “My dad was — he was killed by the State.” He admits, he watches him being hung and his family cheer and he wants to disappear forever. It's all he'll say for now and as Robert goes to say sorry he stops him. “Not now.” He says.

Robert nods. “Yeah. Sorry.” He says, he says it anyway and then hits himself and Aaron feels his heart swell and his bracelet burns his wrist a little. 

And they're still naked, in bed, seconds until Robert has to drag himself away so that the cameras site him coming home. But Robert doesn't even attempt to move as Aaron stares at him and then drops his head.

“I hate you Sugden.” He says, defeated against the desire he feels despite being absolutely not up for sex again so quickly and it flows through his body.

Robert can't deny that he feels exactly the same way, goes to speak and then he hears the sirens start to pour in through the windows. “We need to go back.” He starts to gather his clothes together and Aaron watches him, moves slower, always moves slower. 

“I'll try to get away soon.” Robert says as he goes to the door and watches Aaron struggle back into his boots. He suddenly attempts to reach out and help him or kiss him or something and then he watches Aaron look up and him and he loses his bottle. “Bye.” He stumbles out.

“Robert.” Aaron calls, almost wants to thank him and that's fucking awkward so he gulps that down and shudders. “The bloke downstairs, he sleeps in the first room on the right. The back door is open so when you get down the stairs just keep going forward. Don't walk too quickly against the floorboards okay?”

He's got all this knowledge and skill and Robert knows that he should have a job in his sector, replace Comrade Spencer or someone like that. He's wasted wherever him and Adam spend their hours, he's still not actually certain.

“Okay.” He says, nods his head a little and Aaron half smiles before promising to leave as soon as he sees Robert from the window.

 

::

 

He remembers hearing about affairs when he was younger, they were these secret and sordid things to do which only got you in trouble.

His father fell victim to that, eyes closed now he can see him being taken to the Ministry of Justice and told to recite from the Book of Wellbeing. It was created by the State in order for particular moments like this, when someone was defying orders. And that's exactly what his father did, defied them and he was lucky that he didn't disappear. Instead they forced him to become a progressional employee. 

A poet writer. 

Robert doesn't think about it anymore, feels sick when he does and struggles to hold his nerve. His father was victimised and brutalised by the State for having a relationship which didn't have a primary purpose of breeding children. 

Now, Robert sits in the bath and has his face towards the murky water with his mouth hung open, realises that at least the affair was _open_ to the chance of a child. 

Robert doesn't even fit into that category.

Homosexual relations, much like prostitution, works to demean men 'below the beast.' 

The thought gives him chills suddenly, and he closes his eyes against the feel of Aaron around him. His eyes and his mouth and his —

Robert slaps a hand down against the water and yanks his arm down into it so that the camera doesn't see how much his bracelet throbs against him in this awful undignified way.

He just hates Aaron.

 

::

 

They're at war with the Russians yet again, all the radio channels are talking about it and it's why Bob is forced to give Robert a blackened piece of toast and a coffee which contains about two beans —the rest is warm water. Robert tenses against the way Bob talks about how scary everything is now and how they're all on rations for the seeable.

“I mean, I'm hoping that it's all sorted out soon enough though.” He says, keeps rabbiting on and Robert lets him.

Bob's just Bob. He's had a total of seven wives because of how much he wants to please the State and bear children. Robert will never understand his ability to re-marry after his wife's have died one after the other. Sometimes he thinks that the State were somehow involved in his death like it was test for Bob or something. He has no evidence for that though, obviously. 

“I've got the cafe to think about.” Robert nods his head at him and keeps his mug against his skin, needs a bit of warmth against the coldness outside. For a second he feels himself drifting towards thoughts of Aaron.

He's rather annoyingly *all he seems to think about these days and he has got passed the stage of finding fault in himself. Sometimes anyway. He wonders how he is, if he's okay, if he missing their intimacy as much as Robert is.

His bracelet seems to twist against his skin as he thinks about the last time he saw Aaron properly. It's been too long already. Robert is already craving him in this all encompassing way and it's a daily battle to ignore. 

“ — you will let me know when it's all back and ordered again won't you?” 

Robert draws himself back into the conversation, eyes squinting as he tries to work out what Bob is on about and then he frowns.

“What makes you think I'll know?” Robert asks, a confused look on his face that won't budge. 

Bob just shrugs. “You write everything up don't you? In your office?”

Robert nearly trips on his words as Bob looks at him and then he nods his head a little.

“Right — right, yeah of course I will.” He says, clearing his throat as he speaks. 

Bob works around Robert, makes the man pick his coffee up as he wipes the tables down with more ferocity and then looks at the way Robert is grimacing at the liquid.

“It's awful, is it?”

Robert yanks his head up and shakes it. “It's just — it's almost got worse hasn't it? Coffee?” He remembers a sweet taste when he was younger, a gentleness and a warmth in the coffee beans. Now though, coffee is blackened and bitter and rarely consumed by the civilians. Robert is one of the rare few that still buys it from the cafe. It seems that like the likes tradition when everyone else is living in this postmodernist world which craves exciting juices charged with vitamins and minerals. 

Bob has his face blank against what Robert is trying to say and he just shrugs. “The exact same coffee beans I've always got from the State. It's as good as I ever I suppose.” He's so ridiculously fair and neutral and Robert just nods.

“Yeah.” Robert says, “Can't help but think though can you?” He isn't even sure why he's being this brave by Bob has known him from when he was only a boy and he calls him *Bob and not Comrade Hope. So he just carries on talking. “That things have changed over time, that — that what was in your day, isn't how it is now. Like the State has changed certain things.”

Bob just keeps staring at him blankly. “Like what? Security wise?”

Robert could throttle him if he wasn't already so over the edge of what he's trying to get out to him.

“The *cameras.” Robert whispers, leans over a little and his eyes are wide, mouth half open as he watches Bob's reaction. “Were they around when you were my age?”

And those days are _forgotten_. You could look for hours and hours and never find anything archived from more than five years ago. 

The State change things when they see fit. It's just as simple as that, and it means quite plainly that they can control exactly what is known to be true by the State. It's why Robert remembers a beautiful flower field from when he was younger, and yet has never ever discovered a picture of such thing. 

Because flower fields in the urban inner city frankly do not exist? Because where exactly do you look for evidence if nothing is ever documented by the people, but the State itself?

Robert feels himself drifting as Bob frowns. “I can't really remember much. It was such a long time ago. Things were awful back then, bloody barbaric actually.”

And Robert wants to know exactly what he means, leans a little forward but Bob just shakes his head again and looks uncomfortable. The moment passes in a blink of an eye and Robert nods his head a little, tries to ease whatever he's created until Bob is asking him if he wants something else to drink.

“Uh, no — I'll just have this.” He clings onto the coffee a little tighter in hope of it being this unspoken symbol of rebellion against the State and what they want. He can only imagine what is in the juices and smoothies, they're supposed to make you happier and healthier but they could contain opium for all he knew.

The thought grabs at his throat and he can't stop thinking about it as he holds onto the mug. He thinks Aaron would be proud of him.

 _Aaron_.

He sees him as he closes his eyes for a second, his mouth on Robert's neck and his body thrusting and their bracelets nearly breaking as they climax together in a series of grunts and gasps. He has to kick his foot down against the floor to try and stop the feeling racing through him and *exploding. 

“ — anyway so the thing is, all the LW's come in here for their tea don't they? So if we don't have enough to serve then —“

“The LW's?" Robert whispers, eyes wide as he speaks and Bob is too busy wiping down the tables to look at him properly. He nods his head and smiles though and he's so awfully naive about their role within society that Robert can only gulp against it. 

“They come in here all the time, chat to me a lot about who comes in and out. They're lovely chaps." Bob is animated as he talks about the State and Robert sees his silver bracelet vibrate with a sudden ease about it. Robert shivers against what he can understand about Bob's role. He's a spy and he doesn't even know it.

And Robert has just gone and blabbed to an unknown spy all about his suspicions.

 

::

 

He tries to keep his head down in the canteen and focus on the soup which is spilling out over the side of the bowl. It's murky and has something large in the middle of it, buried underneath the liquid. 

 

Robert doesn't even bare to think about it all that much and feels this need to focus on something else around him. He can hear Comrade Harding's voice on the radio as it plays throughout the room and she quickly makes him think of something other than the soup issue with her happy tone.

'And we of course have the beautiful State to think for the rations going right back to normal despite the evilness of the Russians who are conspiring with the enemies.' 

The sound of someone punching against the table in front of him makes Robert look up and he sees Comrade Marchland losing his mind. He's a big fella, has these large biceps and loud booming voice, but the intellect of an ant. He's obsessed with defeating the enemy and that means whenever he hears about him he acts out violently.

Robert studies the way everyone else at the table Marchland is on suddenly mirror his actions without warning. Someone like Marchland could easily take down the guards who are by the door right now, he could kick the place down and grab their guns and head to the big White House on the hill and take out the whole lot of them. He could, if he had a fucking brain.

Wasted talent, Robert decides as he stirs the soup and then suddenly he sees Aaron coming towards him with a grin on his face that slows down a little and then disappears.

“Sorry.” Aaron apologies as he sits. “Just haven't seen you in too long. I had to get a job up 'ere to come and say hi.” He smiles shyly and Robert's heart melts at this side of Aaron that he rarely sees.

“We should meet tonight." Robert keeps his head down and Aaron knows to do the same.

“The room, at six, is that alright?” Aaron says quickly, leans a little closer and then clears his throat as Harding drones him out a little with more noise about the State. 

Robert goes to speak and then suddenly Harding mentions the State, she’s getting reading to round up her daily summary of jargon mixed with praise. Everyone knows to stand now, food abandoned and not even nourishment in their ten minute break a day is enough to be respected by anyway over the State.

Aaron watches Robert stand up right, and can't help but recognise how loyal he is like this. Robert stands and obeys without question and then hates himself later. Aaron is almost always forced to and he only rises now because Robert shoots him a look.

'From the State, with love. Wishing you peace and prosperity. And remember -' 

" _Loyalty is passivity._

_Weakness is strength._

_Bravery is stupidity."_

Robert feels it burn through him as he speaks and then everyone is going back to their desks but he manages to catch ahold of Aaron's gaze and nod out his agreement to their plan.

 

::

 

Robert pounces on Aaron as soon as he gets into the room, he yanks at his overalls and inhales the grease and sweat of the man who is everything the State want to be rid of.

“Steady.” Aaron hisses, a lightness in his voice that gives away how much of this he absolutely adores. He pulls at the back of Robert's neck and presses a kiss against his mouth hard and long and Robert can't almost breathe as Aaron holds him so closely.

They're wrapping their arms around each other for the first time too, kissing and kissing until Robert drops his trousers and Aaron lays back on the bed with nothing but want in his eyes.

Aaron's wrist hurts afterwards, it's almost gnawing away at his skin and stings against the way Robert is almost passed out against him.

“I must say, you've got better. I mean, we can have sex for longer now before you —“ he waves a hand out and gestures to some sort of explosion and Robert turns bright red before he composes himself. 

“Who _exploded_ first today then grease monkey?” Robert says and Aaron laughs for the first time against his skin, breathless and light and Robert is in awe of the sound.

Much like the way Aaron is in awe of Robert's body and the freckles which scatter it like fallen stars or something. He has a hand stretched out over the skin against Robert's back and starts connecting the dots with his little finger until Robert turns towards him and is suddenly aware of how soft Aaron is with him. Maybe because it's been a while, Robert tells himself. 

“Bob told me something the other day.” Robert starts. “He said that — before all of *this, it was barbaric. Do you think that's true?” Robert asks Aaron, links their legs together and feels himself twitch against Aaron's naked body. 

Aaron turns pale and gulps. “There was lawlessness. Yeah. But that's what it's like in any normal society isn't it? Crime. Defiance. There was *also autonomy, individualism.” He stops himself when Robert smirks. “Yeah, big words for me I know.” Robert blushes and kisses Aaron's nipple before the younger man pushes him away and laughs a little. “It was better than this.” Aaron decides. “Trust me."

Robert's eyes flicker. “I — the books, everywhere says that the State saved us from —“

“Ourselves.” Aaron finishes the sentence for him and frowns. “Of course they'd say that, they're talking shit Robert. They made it look as bad as it could so that they could swoop in and save us." He whispers, eyes dark suddenly and Robert believes him. 

“How do you know about it all?” 

Aaron shrugs, “Some guy I was with told me after I gave him a blowjob, sort of like a return favour or something.” And Aaron is so so comfortable with his sexuality isn't he? “He was an official, worked for the elite team.” He explains and Robert fucking hates the guy for touching Aaron.

“Right.” Robert clears his throat tightly and Aaron rolls his eyes before clutching at Robert's waist. 

“He didn't make me feel like this though.” Aaron massages at Robert's ego and it makes the older man smile. 

“Good.” Robert whispers against Aaron's lips and then he kisses him hard on the mouth suddenly. “Missed this.” He blurts it out and feels like he can't breathe as he waits for Aaron to respond.

Aaron smiles. “Sex is amazing isn't it?”

And that's exactly what Robert meant.

 

::

 

The sky is almost blue when he rises and Robert cannot for the life of him remember the last time he woke up to a blue sky. It's permanently this murky black or grey colour and the clouds always hang heavy over the city. 

It's a sight that nearly makes him catch his breath and then he's hearing Rebecca's voice through the monitor and he's knocking back the amber liquid like always before moving his body and stretching it about. It's things like this which make everyone believe the State has to be on their side, only out of the interests of them and absolutely no one else because they are concerned with making everyone fit and healthy aren't they? 

He shakes his head against the way he sees Rebecca bend her body over on the monitor because there's no way he'll be able to attempt that. He moves out of view of the camera whilst it's playing and turns the water on in the bath, it comes out freezing and Robert should be used to it but somehow he still has to bite back against —

He almost swore? As he felt the cold water he almost swore and he's never felt the urge to before now. His hand slips over the bath and he steadies himself as he thinks about the influence Aaron is having on him without even meaning to. 

Something stirs within him as he thinks of the young man and how being with him brings colour to his life in every single sense of the world really. He makes things easier, when they're alone, just the two of them in that little room. It's been nearly a week since they've seen each other and Robert feels his bones ache for him in this awful way.

He finds himself purposely heading to the downstairs factory in hope of seeing him and stealing a kiss or two and it's pretty safe to say that Aaron is making him more reckless than he'd ever care to admit before now. 

Robert cannot help it though, simply thinking about his mouth on his is enough to make him have to press down on his bracelet and jump into the cold bath to relieve himself. Another thing he never thought he'd be doing but it's all down to Aaron isn't it?

He's still thinking about him when he approaches the cafe, it's almost sunny outside and Robert undoes some of the buttons on his shirt because of the heat hitting his skin. 

Almost everyone actually seems in a good mood and Robert feels Comrade Potts almost smile at him as he walks down into the shop and sees Bob behind the desk.

“Can I just have a coffee.” Robert says, looking around how deserted the place looks and then back at Bob after a few seconds of silence. The older man's shoulders slump and he shakes his head. 

“Not anymore.” Bob says. ”They've stopped selling it to me. They said that the Russians are doing something *crazy with it.” He motions his hands about and he honestly believes it doesn't he? “I'm just glad they told me before it was too late.” He admits and then turns towards the juices behind him. “So, which one will it be?” And there's just something not right about the way he looks at Robert.

“Actually I've got to get to work.” Robert waves a hand out and backs away from the cafe. His heart is racing because they've taken away the tiniest little rebellious thing Robert did. He drank coffee because he _remembered_ coffee and now even that has gone. 

His head is all over the place as he approaches the city centre and attempts to move as fast as he can in the maddening crowd who are losing their minds over the sun.

“I heard that the Russians have invented this machine that radiates chemical heat onto people.” Some woman is absolutely screaming, her baby is half in her arms as she juggle him and a basket. “They're trying to wipe us all out, they are.” She's pretty adamant and Robert is absolutely flawed. 

She's probably heard something on the news, something about the Russians being responsible for the heat and clearly lapped it all up. He only has to take one look at her to know where she's from, she lives in the Urban with all the other Urbans. 

They're the working class lot, have jobs in the factories and are far removed from the museums and monitors where Robert lives. They have little control there because they're not a cause for concern are they? They don't think about oppression or exploitation. All they want to know is who will feed their children when they're dead. 

It's why they don't have bracelets either. Robert wishes he could be one of them sometimes, one of the mass who believe that bravery really is stupidity. 

Robert closes his eyes against what he hears and tries to ignore it all and then he hears Harding on the radio which blasts through the town space.

'Keep yourselves safe under this unusual defence attack! Children are to be taken home immediately with their mothers. To avoid any harm to skin or eyes head towards shelter until the attack is finished! And remember, Father will solve the issue.'

It's mayhem as he feels bodies pile towards him in an attempt to flee. It's an overwhelming sight and sooner or later he's being pushed back into a crate of second hand jewellery. His head knocks against it with gusto and suddenly all he can think about is Bob and the whole fucking coffee incident and how they're coming for him. He knows it.

When he opens his eyes, Aaron is standing above him with wide eyes and his mouth open. “Come here.” Aaron pulls him up swiftly and then frowns. “What happened?” He asks, over the way people are pushing and shoving at each other to get home. 

Robert doesn't even need to say anything, it's all pretty clear. He rubs at the back of his head a little and Aaron asks him what's wrong, like he knows something. 

"Bob's stopped serving me coffee." He says and it sounds absolutely pathetic but Aaron gulps hard. "He's onto me." And he could almost cry against the way he keeps feeling like things are okay and then the way they all choose to collapse around him without warning. 

Aaron looks at him and all he wants to do is hug the life out of Robert. That's all. He suddenly blows out a breath, "Push me." He says, eyes hard and Robert frowns. "Just do it." He shouts, over the noise of someone asking for sunglasses to hide the chemical in the sky.

Robert pushes and Aaron pushes him back and pretends to tousle him a little as he hugs him tightly. "It's okay." Aaron whispers gently into his ear and when he pulls away Robert nearly leans in to kiss him and completely forgets himself. 

He settles on a smile though, goes to speak and then the LW's are appearing and shouting at everyone to calm down. They're menacing underneath the soft smiles and the way they guide all the women and children home. They wear soft blue uniforms, a yellow badge and anyone would think they were children's entertainers if you didn't know the *real them. Robert watches them disappear with the majority of the crowds and Aaron turns to look at him properly. 

"I'll see you later okay?" Robert says, reaches out and tangles Aaron's hand in his for a few seconds. No one can see them like this, holding hands in the middle of the town square like the awful rebels they are. Aaron nods slowly and his bracelet jumps up and down against his skin. 

They're not even kissing and Robert makes him swoon.

 

::

 

He has another dream. This time Aaron is on top of him, swaying back and forth and laughing and Robert holds at him to steady the younger man.

And then he jumps off, races towards this heavy door and suddenly Robert sees his mother and father and sister and brother all calling for Aaron to join him. 

Robert wakes up with sweat against his back and a need to be sick and suddenly absolutely everything about his life means too much.

 

::

 

His job usually involves him staying exactly where he is, and that means spending hours upon hours in the office behind a desk with only Jimmy, Dan and the other workers to keep him company. But sometimes he gets to explore the city.

He's in the Museum Of Our Time, waiting for someone to direct him to the manager of the place. Whilst he's waiting, his eyes fall over how simple the place is and he struggles to find why it attracts so many every day.

There's a picture of General Hyde on display, white fabric covering the painting and making Robert stare at it harshly. He goes to turn away and then sights about a million kids approach the scene. It's scary how fast they go and Robert nearly falls back against the adoration on their faces for the hero who they don't even know. 

That's the scariest thing about it, they don't even *know him. 

“Can I help you?” He turns around and sees a young woman looking at him, she looks absolutely bored out of her mind and he so suddenly feels for her that it's a joke. She shouldn't be here, should be somewhere else and he doesn't even know her but it's sad that she's stuck behind the white desk.

“I was called here to speak to the manager, I'm from The Offices.” Robert pulls out his card and the woman nods her head faintly. 

“What's it about?”

Robert half shrugs because he doesn’t really care. “Promotion for the place really." He explains, "Is he not here?”

“Afraid not.”The woman leans over a little and he sees that her name is Tracy. “I could ask him you popped by.” She tells him, and then she passes him a leaflet of the place. “Have a look around though, here, take this and you can watch the documentary for free.”

Robert frowns under her kindness and nods before walking towards the small cinema like room and seeing that no one else is inside but him. It's rather hilarious that people pay to hear nothing but propaganda and lies from the State. Robert nearly kicks himself for being so vocal and then forces himself to watch the screen.

He sees a bomb falling, guns being fired and mother's being taken from their children over and over again. Robert shudders against it all, and then suddenly he sees another explosion and words start to appear on the screen.

'Before, there was nothing but lawlessness and barbarism. There was pain and torture and conflict.

And then the Father came and ideas of humanity were restored. The root of all evil was destroyed: love. Human love is highly dangerous and caused the great destruction of our city. '

There's jealously and torment shown on the screen suddenly, men and women having sex and kissing and losing their minds with passion and Robert can only think of Aaron.

' But we have overcome Comrades, and the love you have for the Father and the Family is more than enough to repent for your sins of the past. ' 

Robert feels his eyes widening and fear sets in so quickly that he can't help but cry against it.

'He saved us, saved you and we should always be eternally grateful. As you have overcome.' 

“I haven't.” Robert feels the tears fall down his face.

 

::

 

He watches Aaron work with an eagerness about him as soon as he spots him. He hasn't seen him for nearly a week and a half now and it's too much to even think about now. He just needs to be in his arms, lay in bed, smell of sex and lust. 

Again and again. 

Robert follows Aaron towards the printer and keeps watching him work, hands pressed together as he fumbles about with the ink. Robert pretends to work with him, slides his card against the printer to his right and prints plain sheets of paper over and over again. 

Aaron finally looks up at him and Robert feels so warm suddenly that he wants to wrap his arms around the younger man. 

“Hey you.” Robert whispers, “Remember me?" He says, head kept towards the floor as he speaks and Aaron gulps hard. 

“‘Course I do." Aaron snaps a little, drops a tool and it clatters against the floor loudly. 

He’s clearly pissed or something, great. 

“Can you get away later? It's been over a week.” Robert whispers, he feels ridiculous, feels like he can’t breathe either. He hates Aaron. “My body misses ya.” He lies, because it's more than just his body now. It's *everywhere and everything all at once over and over again now. 

Aaron sighs hard. “I'm busy until next week.” He says, almost like he's trying to apologise and Robert is so angry suddenly that he doesn't know what he's supposed to say. “I haven't been to any of the workers league meetings in weeks, they're suspicious.”

And the meetings consist of all the workers coming together to discuss how the State has helped them and improved their situation some way or another. Aaron usually has to make something up, he thinks about saying the State helped him fuck Robert and then he thinks better of the feel of a noose around his neck.

“I haven't seen ya in so long.” Robert grips a hand down on the printer and he's thinking about that documentary again. He has made peace with his sin but what's the point of having one if he hardly ever acts on it? “It's different for me.” He admits and Aaron frowns at him.

“What because I'm always sucking cocks?” Aaron practically mutters under his breath. “I forget I was such a —“

“You're not.” Robert says, doesn't know what else to say but Aaron doesn't seem to want to listen anyway. 

“I am to them.”

“You're not to me." Robert says, he feels his stomach drop a little and oh he actually just said that but it’s true isn’t it? "I shouldn't have said that, I —“

“There's been no one else. Just you. Doesn't feel the same anymore.” Aaron whispers, his head is still locked towards the floor like he’s trying to hide his blush and Robert's mouth hangs open a little. 

Aaron can be a romantic when he wants to be then.

“I just want you.” Robert says and Aaron looks up at him in awe. “To make everything bad seem good again.” He quickly recovers from the heat in his cheeks. 

And with that, he disappears and leaves Aaron turning to jelly.

 

::

 

He somehow ends up in the wrong part of the city and trips in to where the Urbans live. 

If Robert thought the sky was murky where he lived, it's even worse down here. It's old and decrepit, rats treat the place like they're the rulers and Robert has to watch the way they try to bite at the souls of his feet. 

It’s not ideal. 

He didn't mean to be here, just sort of walked and walked and carried on walking until he was here. 

The place stinks and his eyes can’t help but widen a little around the smell and then he sees the image of Cain Dingle's face onto a brick wall. His face is bloody and bruised and they seem to loathe him the way everyone else does. It makes his stomach turn and then suddenly he's thinking about if Aaron hates him as well. 

He knows that there was no one his father despised more than the man who had dared to challenge authority in a way even the infamous Kings couldn't.

He was a weapon. Everything that Robert should hate.

Does, he supposes.

The sound of someone chewing pulls him away from his thoughts, there’s a kid eating something Robert thinks looks like a chicken leg. He looks like an animal and Robert wants to tear himself away but he can’t. He can only stare and hate how animalistic they all are in their desires.

The LW's would be all over this sort of savagery but the Urbans are simply too foolish to rebel intellectually anyway. 

Robert holds his coat against his skin and then suddenly he feels someone staring at him. 

“What are you here for?” An old woman asks, a hand on her hip and eyes beady. 

Robert doesn't have an answer, just shakes his head a little and then he feels himself falling back on a junior LW.

“Comrade.” He demands, he looks younger than Robert and frowns at him a little. “What are you doing down here for?” He's suddenly aware of how out of place he is in his grey suit and black tie and everyone looks at him with suspicion. He feels like a fish out of water against it all. “May I see your papers.”

Robert passes them over with little hesitation and something inside him screams that this is it.

This is the moment that they discover what he's been up to, where a file on his name suddenly appears for the man to see and drag Robert into the Ministry of Love. He feels like he’s been waiting for this his whole life. 

Robert waits with baited breath under it all, his stomach in knots and all he regrets is that he hasn't seen Aaron one last time.

One last time at least.

"Comrade Sugden?" The guard asks, a small unbelievable frown on his face that makes Robert gulp out a nod. "Your father was Jack Sugden? The famous poet." He says, full of praise suddenly and Robert can only nod.

He remembers all his father's poetry, how beautiful he could mix meaning with nature and beauty over and over again. Robert nods his head again, this time with more certainty about him this time. 

"Yeah, he was my father." And it's weird to think that someone talking about his father after all this time would bring about this emotion. He feels his stomach tighten against the way the guard almost smiles at him.

"He was the perfect champion of the State." The guard seems pretty certain as he speaks and Robert hasn't ever viewed him in such high regard. But he wouldn't would he? Not after the way he used to think about his father and all the pain that came with it.

It still hurts. He’s still a prick in his mind.

Robert feel like his heart is being pressed down on.

"Thank you." Robert says slowly, gulps hard and then tries to smile as best he can. “He really was.” In his own way; not in any way that really mattered.

The group which was staring at him a few minutes ago seem to disperse and he's uninteresting to them again, it’s a relief. He can’t help but feel grateful against the lack of attention and then the guard is asking if he'd like to be escorted back to finer ground.

Robert agrees and doesn't know how to feel about the fact that his father's legacy has just said him from a whole heap of trouble. 

 

::

 

Aaron passes him a note over lunch, it's in his awfully scrawny writing and Robert only finds it endearing really. Usually bad writing pisses him off.

'Six o'clock.' It reads and Aaron really does have a way with words doesn't he?

Robert smiles down at the note all the bloody same though before he hears a commotion happening just a few tables away from him. He can see Ross Barton making a fuss on one of the tables and everything inside him suddenly freezes. 

He's the rouge Barton, his brother Finn disappeared for a few years a while back and when he returned he was without vision. No one asked the questions and Robert distinctly remembers having to write up an article about how the State saved his life. Apparently he was just about to be eaten by flesh eating leeches in the Thames. Robert remembers no one daring to go near the water for weeks until he had print something telling everyone that it was safe again.

It was a mind fuck, the whole thing. 

Everything _seems_ to be that way really, everything seems to just make everyone panic and worry and then the State come along and seemingly make it all better again.

Robert finds himself growing even angrier when he looks at the scene in front of him. Ross is there and he's spitting out profanities to the absolute dismay of all the other works. Robert watches Jimmy stride over to him and point towards the scene with his mouth hanging open. 

From what Robert can hear, Ross is outraged by the return of his little brother in the state he is and suddenly Robert can see little Finn. He's wearing thick glasses and has something scarily sad about him as he sits quietly and tells Ross to calm down.

“Look what they've done to you?” Ross hisses, and his eyes are wet with emotion. He needs to get a grip before anyone drags him away. “I can't stand this. I can't stand this happening to you 'cause of who you are.”

And everything bristles in the crowd, whispers start to turn into full blown gossiping sessions and Robert tries to block out the sound of Jimmy in his hair rabbiting on about fuck all. His brain is working over time and it doesn't take long for him to start to wonder exactly *who Finn is. 

He doesn't have the time to pry anymore however because the guards are quick to remove Ross and he is dragged away practically kicking and screaming against it all. He's crying too and Robert has no clue what he's supposed to do but he wants to do something, everything inside him screams out for *something to happen but nothing does. 

Harding starts speaking on the radio and Jimmy is talking about a new book he's working on.

“It's going to be about the way the State has helped my life.” Jimmy grins and everyone starts to clap, even Robert has to slam his hands together for a few seconds.

 

::

 

Robert is late. And that's only because of the fact that Jimmy made him sit with him and talk about exactly how he should phrase a section about his early life and the State's role. 

He itches to run away to Aaron and when the time comes, he's never walked so fast in his life. He climbs the stairs in pairs and holds out in front of him against the landing until he reaches the old wooden door. 

He knocks once and then twice and Aaron jumps him as soon as he's through the door.

“You're late.” Aaron slaps him lightly against the chest and kisses him breathlessly. “I got worried.” He mumbles and Robert pulls off his belt.

“I'm here now.” He promises and they fall back towards the bed with a gentle ease.

They're not quiet, or quick either and Robert has got used to the feel of Aaron absolutely around him and in him and everywhere. He's intoxicatingly enough for Robert and perhaps always will be. 

The thought makes Robert drag Aaron's body towards him with little difficulty and then slides a hand up and down the man's chest. “I missed this.” He says, this time, he's sure of what he means and Aaron bites at his lip.

Their bracelets collide against each other and Aaron catches his breath suddenly. “I missed you.”

He missed _him_. Every single day. Every single _day_.

Robert's eyes flicker as he hears the words and no one has ever missed him before. Not like this. He tells Aaron as much and the younger man frowns against it a little. 

“Well I did.” Aaron mumbles, still naked and bare and he can only bring himself to look at the beauty of Robert's face and how perfectly in line he is with it. If he leans a little closer he could easily kiss his soft lips. So he does, tender and slow and nothing in it really but just enough to make Robert pull at his hair a little. “Tell me something.” He says, “How have you been or whatever?” 

And they're at this stage then, it's not about the sex anymore is it? Not now they have a _room_ and _hours_ to go at it over and over again.

“I ended up down where the Urbans live.” Robert wrinkles his nose against the memory. “A junior LW saw me and I thought I'd had it really. But he saw that I was a Sugden. He knew my dads poems.” He whispers the last bit out as Aaron strokes his arm and then stops suddenly, Robert is soft because he already misses his touch.

Aaron gulps. “Everyone knows them.” He shrugs with one shoulder and then smiles faintly. “He was talented.” He says, only Robert doesn't look at him when he speaks and he feels cold against him. “Have I said something wrong?” He wonders and he grips Robert's hand suddenly but the older man slips it away.

“My dad beat me once when I was fifteen.” 

And he's never told anyone that before.

And it just comes stumbling out of his mouth.

Aaron's eyes widen in this awful way and he isn't sure if he's supposed to hug Robert him like he wants to or give him space. “He — why?” He can't speak suddenly, just feels all this anger building inside him.

Robert's eyes water against his words. “He — I kissed a boy when I was fifteen and he caught me.” He remembers the sting of the belt over and over and over again. “I thought he beat the sin out of me, I didn’t look at another bloke that way in so long. I just — I had sex a few times but nothing that made me want to _be_ with them you know?” Aaron goes and nods his head and Robert gulps hard. “And then you came along and I —“ his voice wavers a little and he knows with a soft certainty that Aaron isn't expecting anything more than this right now.

The candle in the room is waxing over and everything feels like so much so suddenly that Robert has to bring his knees up towards his chest. “He was great, he was — he was naive of course but — he had a good heart that they tried to mould into something vulnerable but he loved me in a way that — that the State would let him you know?” 

Aaron nods his head a little and brings the covers up further towards the way Robert shivers slightly. He just wants to protect him, he doesn't want sex or anything else. He just wants Robert to feel safe around him.

Robert sniffs, and he's fifteen again and he's too curious for his own good. He doesn't want a wife like Andy. He wants someone who makes his heart beat fast and the boy did, for a second or two Simon made him feel _things_. It's a sickly rebellion to remember and Robert blinks against the tears in his eyes because of it. “He just didn't want a son like me. Even after he bought shame to the family _years_ ago.” He shakes his head angrily and Aaron frowns at him.

“What did he do?” Aaron treads carefully and Robert tells him all about his affair and the fact that the guards found out he was a good writer as they investigated.

“He was *commissioned to be a poet. That's why everyone adores him now.” Robert shakes his head. “He gave in to  desires too, only — mine was so much worse.” He drops his head a little and then Aaron raises it slightly. 

“It wasn't so much worse.” He tells him. “Robert it's who you are.” He mumbles, eyes wet alongside Robert's.

Robert frowns a little. “I tried to forget, I was with a girl called Donna and she made me feel things too. I was happy and —“ he freezes a little. “It didn't work out in the end and I was alone again and my dad — he was *so disappointed. Not because he was my dad but because — the State would have hated me for it, hated *him for it.” He shudders against the realisation from his passed and Aaron has a hand over Robert's.

“Sorry.” Robert waves a hand out and stops himself from saying anything else. “You don't need to hear the rest.” Only Aaron tells him that he wants to and Robert battles through. “Me and — and my dad had this massive row and I stormed out. And then —“ he's suddenly overwhelmed by the smell of the smoke again. “The house blew up with everyone inside.”

Aaron's eyes widen again an Robert wipes the tears on his face away harshly. “Robert.” He whispers, head down a little and Robert shudders.

“I have to live with knowing that I caused it.” Robert's chin wobbles suddenly. “My whole family died because of me. My little sister —“

Aaron shakes his head. “You can't know that.” He whispers. “You can't —“

“How else then? The State must have known about me and destroyed everything I loved.” Robert shouts a little, hands waving around as he speaks because it’s true. 

Because it was meant to petrify him into living a good life. Only it clearly bloody didn’t. 

“Then you'd be locked away wouldn't you?” Aaron rubs at his back. “It's been nearly fifteen years, they wouldn't have waited this long.” He reassures him and Robert just stares at him before falling into his chest and embracing how much strength the man brings him over and over again.

They're tangled into this softness and Robert doesn't want to let Aaron go, so he doesn't. He holds him tight and then drags himself away after a few seconds because he has to.

“You shouldn't have to put with this.” Robert says suddenly. “I'm older, boring, not that great at sex and —“

“You're beautiful Robert.” And his whole body tingles as he speaks, Aaron turns bright red and smiles faintly before he kisses him hard on the mouth and pulls at his hair. “And so is this. No one can say it isn't okay?” 

He catches a tear falling down Robert's face and kisses the place tenderly, Aaron can be so so tender that it makes Robert want to hold him tightly and never let him go. He’s pretty fucking amazing. Robert nods and Aaron starts stroking down his chest suggestively. “I can't go again, not yet.”

Aaron kisses at his ear. “I know.” He says, and they fall into a silence that stretches over both of them before Aaron turns to look at Robert. “Is that why you didn't want to do this with me at the start? Because of your dad.”

It's more complicated than that but Robert nods a little. “It was his voice at the back of my mind yeah.” He admits and Aaron looks guilty.

“I'm sorry for being so —“

“Horny?” Robert whispers and Aaron grins.

“Attracted to you.”

Robert turns red instantly and Aaron slides  under the long arm the older man stretches out for him. He tucks himself under and sighs out contently. “This, it's — it's more than me wanting to fuck you every time I see you, you know?”

Robert could almost laugh. “You have such a way with words.” He tells him, smiles a little before nodding. “It is, isn't it?” He whispers and then Aaron spreads a hand over Robert's chest.

“Your dad was right about one thing though. He didn't deserve a son like you.”

It makes something choke up in his throat over and over again and he can't do anything about it until he holds Aaron's face and kisses him gently. They stay like that until he feels Aaron fall asleep soundly against him. 

He'll have to wake him up in an hour or so but for now they have this time together and it's beautiful. Robert looks down at Aaron and then smiles a little.

"You were in my dreams too Aaron." He whispers to himself, because Aaron has his eyes closed.

They open though, and Aaron smiles faintly even though Robert doesn't see.

 

::

 

It almost happens overnight between them and suddenly they're softer with each other. Aaron does this thing where he strokes Robert's back after sex and tangles their feet together as much as he can.

Robert melts too, gently raises the covers up and stops them just as they meet Aaron's shoulders and it's like nothing else matters apart from Aaron being comfortable.

They're basically suddenly in very deep and it's slowly spiralling. 

So yeah, that’s great. 

 

::

 

' _“Dad, are you famous then?” Robert dangles his feet down, chin in hands and he watches his father ready himself in front of the mirror._

_The press are coming to take pictures of the famous poet who the State have commissioned to write something for the anniversary of their arrival in only a few days._

_Jack looks at Robert so sharply that Robert thinks he's started digressing and babbling out baby language but then he quickly just shakes his head. “No one is. We're all just children of the State.”_

_It makes Robert laugh, he giggles against something which he knows Andy and little Victoria would have gobbled right down and nodded against and always believed to be true. “How can *you be a child?” He asks, and it's perfectly ordinary question really._

_Only his father shakes him by the shoulders and looks so frightened that he almost has sweat dripping from his brow. “Because I am. And so are you. We all are and if anyone ever asks you that, you say just what I said. You got that?”_

_The grip is tight and firm and Robert just nods his head until he lets go. Then he runs out into the fields and mutters his first confession of hatred to the thing which makes his father so worried. '_

 

::

 

Robert can sense that something is wrong almost immediately and his throat dries up as he sees Aaron approaching him in the cafe. 

He has bags under his eyes and his face is pale and worn and Robert battles hard not to look too concerned.

“You look awful.” Robert says as soon as Aaron sits down, he almost shakes a little with worry and Aaron just frowns at him.

“Cheers.” He snaps out, bristly and cold because it's an anniversary he'd rather wish didn't exist. 

Robert is stumped for a second, has his head down and curses himself for perhaps hoping that after the way last night worked out, they were closer than they'd ever been. Aaron all but admitted that they weren't just meeting up for sex anymore, that it was more than that. But Robert's sure he's gone back on his word hasn't he?  

Aaron can't even _look_ at him now and he knows that they can't if they don't want to be caught but it's almost like Aaron doesn't _wan't_ to. Robert stirs his brown rice on the plate and then looks up. 

“You free tonight?” He asks, and suddenly he prays that Aaron is. He cannot stop thinking about yesterday and how much having someone listen to him meant. 

Aaron doesn't say anything for the longest time and Robert doesn't know what he's supposed to say. He knows he can't ask him again because he'll only be a fool if he does. He puts him out of his misery though, soon enough, he nods his head just a fraction and Robert yanks his arm under the table as his bracelet goes wild with the excitement of it. 

He tells himself to get a grip. It doesn’t work.

“Bye.” Aaron’s gone, up and left and the darkness in his eyes leaves with him as Robert sits contemplating shit by himself. He's alone for all of five seconds before one of the hot shots Comrade Sharma sits next to him. 

He's had about two conversations with him about the attacks by the Russians and Robert has learnt that wealth makes you even more susceptible to the State's charms. It's almost unbelievable really. 

“Sugden, I was wondering how the report on the chemical invasion was coming along?” And Robert still hates the fact that he was in charge of writing up when the _sun_ spread through the fog. He goes to make something up and then watches Finn walk all lonely towards his table in the canteen with the aid of absolutely no one. He frowns a little when he fails to see where Ross is. 

“Do you know where Comrade Barton is?” Robert asks and Comrade Sharma looks at him like he's crazy as he points to Finn. 

“Or Comrade P. Barton is having his picture taken, Comrade A. Barton is with him I think.” 

And he's forgetting the other one.

“No, forgive me. I meant, Comrade R. Barton.” Robert says politely, really just wants to bash his skull in for being so stupidly thick, only Jai just keeps looking at him funny like he's surely lost the plot.

“I haven't the foggiest who you're on about Comrade.” He says, genuine confusion written all over his face that only breaks when he shakes his head a little and laughs.

And Robert feels like he's going to be sick.

 

::

 

Aaron arrives nearly half an hour late and Robert is more than a little paranoid as he waits for him. He chews practically all his nails off and when the door does eventually open he doesn't know whether or not to answer it. 

He's never shown up first so he could very well run into the owner of the place right now. He imagines it, the man standing there scanning him, reporting him, catching him out. The feeling makes him freeze, hands firm against his sides and then he hears more knocking.

“Robert, it's me.” And it’s Aaron hissing against the door sounding annoyed. 

Robert’s never been so grateful to hear his pissed off voice. 

He gently opens it and Aaron comes in slowly with his hands in his pockets. He’s still wearing his work clothes, grease and dirt following him around along with this sad look on his face. He looks completely different to how he was only yesterday and that makes something in his heart hurt. “You okay?”

Aaron looks at Robert, and everything that hurts inside him seems to completely die away. He nods, brings a hand to Robert's chest and dives in for a kiss once and then twice and soon Robert is pulling him down on the bed and he can't move. 

That's what the panic sets in and he's only small and powerless and —

“Get off.” Aaron shouts, almost loud enough to wake up the owner of the place and he pants hard against the way his bracelet buzzes on his skin. Robert just looks mortified and his eyes flicker uncontrollably for a few seconds as he watches Aaron head towards the door. 

He’s scared him way then. 

“I'm sorry.” Robert suddenly says and Aaron doesn't want him to be worry about him or apologise because none of this is his fault. Not at all. 

Aaron stops himself and then turns back around, holds Robert's face in his arms and kisses him. He’s magic, he makes everything just go away with his touch and he adores him for it. 

But then he's crying against Robert and the man pulls him away. “Hey, Aaron — what's —“

Aaron goes deaf against everything around him, heart hammering, eyes leaking. And Robert’s there, not knowing what to do at all so he just gently rubs Aaron's back until it dawns on him. “Is this about what I told you about my dad? It was too much wasn't it.” He bows his head and Aaron shakes his. 

“No it's me.” Aaron blurts out, eyes burning now, hating himself. “It's not you, I — I'm not in the mood for sex sorry.” He says, goes to get up again but Robert stops him.

“I still want you here.” Robert whispers, and Aaron doesn't know what he's supposed to say so he doesn't say anything at all until Robert pats a hand down on the bed and smiles a little. “Do you want to talk about your day or something?” He asks and Aaron freezes.

“No, I want to hear about yours.” Aaron tries to smile as he sits back down on the bed and Robert’s there rabbiting on about news articles and something drab and dreary and Aaron suddenly holds Robert tightly against the waist and rests his head in his chest for some comfort. 

Robert is a pillar of this strength and softness and Aaron has never felt so grateful for him.

And that’s fucking odd. He knows he’s not supposed to feel like this, knows that in so many ways it’s wrong in the State’s eyes but he can’t ignore this. It’s almost impossible to. 

Robert doesn't know what he's supposed to do or say but his bracelet vibrates and he gently combs Aaron's hair. “What's going on in that head of yours?” He asks gently, voice tight because he’s worried, a stupid little worrier worrying about someone who he’s not supposed to worry about. 

And Aaron shakes his because he can't say anything like that, not now. 

“Tell me something good?” Aaron almost pleads and Robert is stumped so suddenly that he ends up crippled with the fear of disappointing Aaron. He squeezes his eyes shut and this bold yellow colour appears in front of him. 

He sees a tree, a real life tree and he's climbing it with his brother and then he nearly slips and hangs upside down for hours. 

Aaron laughs against the story, eyes wet with tears of happiness and sadness or whatever it is that he is feeling. Robert isn't sure, he just wants to keep him here and it doesn't matter that they're not ripping each other's clothes off. This, it seems like even more than enough. 

“I used to read Treasure Island when I was younger, remember that book?” Aaron asks, tilts his head up and Robert has goosebumps against the fact that Aaron reads. 

“I love books.” Robert says excitedly and Aaron finds it so endearing that it hurts a little. “I remember it.” He says.

“Only because you were around to see it published.” Aaron can be like this with Robert and it's so beautifully easy isn't it? He can forget the sadness and hold onto what exactly matters and it's blonde hair and green eyes everywhere. 

Robert sighs. “Oi! There's only a few years between us Mr —“ He frowns suddenly and gets caught up in something. “I don't even know your last name.”

Aaron's eyes flicker, his throat clears and he doesn't want to but he says it. “Livesy. Aaron Livesy.” He whispers, eyes dark and soft at the same time. 

“I like it.” Robert grins out. “Aaron Livesy who what? Works downstairs in the factories doing —“

Aaron rolls his eyes and it's mad to think they've not done this yet, it's the sort of stuff you're supposed to find out on a first date but they're doing this now apparently. 

“Fixing things, breaking them apart again. Nothing much really.” Aaron half shrugs and Robert nods against him. “Close to you though.” He says and Robert nods. 

“Close to me.”

They stay where they are for a few more hours, talking nonsense fully clothed in bed and Aaron is more than enough. He really, really is. Robert wants to stay like this forever and ever only the sirens start to go and everything is ruined.

“Shit.” Aaron groans. “I'm sorry, we should have —“

Robert holds his face. “This was perfect.” He says shyly, leans in and kisses Aaron with a soft heat about him as he pulls them off the bed and against the wall. “I hope your head — it sorts everything out it self.” He says vaguely as he pulls away. 

Aaron bites his lip a little and watches Robert go towards the door. “Thank you, for being — for getting it.” He waves a hand out awkwardly because he doesn’t get this. None of the other blokes were like this when he turned up for sex on this day and couldn't go through with it for _that_ reason. 

His eyes flash shut and he shudders as he sees the noose go round his neck. Everything fucking burns through him. 

Robert smiles at him a little gently though. “You don't need to thank me.”

And he closes the door behind him softly before Aaron staggers back and falls onto the bed. 

It still smells like Robert.

 

::

 

Robert doesn't go the cafe anymore now. He seems to avoid it rather like the plague because Bob will only try and force something chunky and green down his throat and he'll be forced to smile through it. 

Instead he spends his lunch breaks in the State library - not the old one him and Aaron met him - this one is shiny and modern and has books which turn the pages for you when you ask. 

Robert should be in love with it but he isn't. He's not at all in love with the endless talk of their Father and the work he has done because he knows it not to be true. He still shows up though, because spending a lunch break in the library is more than enough to warrant a well done from the State for being loyal and committed. 

This particular book he's reading is all about the Bloody War and Robert craves actually talking to someone who was apparently around for it. It took place just a few days before the State arrived and is used now to show how barbaric society was before they intervened. The book says it started over a loaf of bread not shared and a man being found in another woman's bed and so it serves to remind people not to act a certain way because it only leads to chaos.

Robert is still flicking through the pages when he sees Finn in between the shelves with a worried look on his face. Suddenly Robert thinks of Ross and his disappearance and he feels sick against the fact that no one mentions him anymore. Something inside Robert just screams out to be able to help the man clearly struggling to find a book with just his hands but he knows he'll get funny looks if he does so he just watches him like a coward. 

He makes sure to tell Aaron when they're next alone. It's freezing and sex warms them up for an hour or so before Robert has to pull Aaron's clammy body towards him and stroke his arm. 

“Saw Finn today.” Robert whispers and Aaron squirms a little when he hears his name. It's so obvious that Robert raises an eyebrow. “Do you know him?” He asks.

And Aaron doesn't *know him but —

“He's like me.” Aaron explains with a hand and then raises an eyebrow. Robert's eyes widen and Aaron sighs. “We didn't sleep together if that's what you're worried about.” He tells him because only the look on Robert’s face tells him he has to. “I tried to help him, told him that he'd be caught out if he carried on being so —“ his face is suddenly all screwed up and he shakes his head. 

“He wasn't careful?” Robert asks. “Is that why his eyes are like that?”

And Aaron's tried hard not to think about this too much because it hits too close to home. He gulps hard and nods his head though. 

“He met some guy from the Urban. Kasim I think, but it was a set up and they caught him.” Aaron's less clammy now, more pale and cold and Robert presses a hand down on his chest to calm him despite losing his mind himself. “Adam told me.” He explains and Robert pales. 

“That's — that’s really bad.” He almost shakes with the fear inside him. “He could have — have been *killed by them if they wanted him to be.” Robert frowns a little. “Why didn't they want him to?” 

Aaron turns towards him. “His brother just became a hero.” He shrugs and he supposes that it would look bad if he was suddenly not around to congratulate him. “But he's brainy, they'll get to him eventually.” 

And the thought is one which is too hard to bare. They could get to *them too at any given moment if they wished to. Robert is even more aware now that it's all just a terrible matter of time. 

“Like they got to Ross.” Robert says gravely and the lad was always too much of a person if that makes any sense. Just too much and not enough at the exact same time. Aaron nods slowly against it and then sighs. 

“Just like him.” Aaron says, voice eerily calm as he speaks and then he sighs. “No one speaks about him do they?” He whispers. “It's like he never even existed.”

Robert nods, holds Aaron's hand suddenly. “We have each other.” He says, sensing Aaron's sadness. "Finn — he didn't — he clearly couldn't speak to anyone when he was thinking about meeting up with the man.” Robert says softly, he’s such a softie. 

Aaron nods. “That's how it felt when I thought about meeting you. I had no idea if —“ 

“I thought you were a spy.” Robert admits suddenly, biting his lip the way Aaron does and he doesn't know what to expect back until Aaron frowns. 

“Why?” He's asking, propped up a little more now and looking a little confused over the confession. “Was it all the black clothes?” He jokes and Robert shrugs a little. 

He goes deep without meaning to. “Just couldn't think of any other reason why someone like you would be looking at me.” 

And that makes Aaron so suddenly angry under the weight of Robert's insecurities and he's crippled by it really. He has to catch his breath and gulp and then he kisses Robert's mouth with familiar gusto. 

“Because you're the man in my dreams.” Aaron says and Robert's smile could light the whole room. 

 

::

 

Robert goes back to the library the next day and sits in his regular spot and still declines the juices and smoothies scattered around the place. 

He's got his head stuck in a book about the myths of the old times and he can't bring himself to care all that much until he sees Finn feeling through the place with a worried look on his face. Robert doesn't know how he still has a job really because he's practically useless and the technology of the place is good enough to find exactly what you need.

Robert supposes though that the reason why he never uses the devices properly is because he truly misses communication with other human beings. He has Aaron and he's never been so lucky in his life to have him now, properly, without the promise of a quick heated fumble between them, but apart from him, he doesn't speak to anyone. Well of course he _does_ , but there's nothing *meaningful behind the words spoke, is there? 

Robert keeps watching him, eyes flickering up and down a little as Finn attempts to slide some giant books into the shelf with gusto. It doesn't pay off. One slips and falls down on the ground and Robert watches him battle to find it. He looks around for a second or two to check if anyone is close by and then suddenly he is walking over to the younger man and picking up the book for him. 

“You dropped this one.” Robert whispers, and Finn is even younger when he sees him close up. He's got his black giant glasses on and looking even closer he  sees a pin on his jumper reading: 'I LOVE THE STATE' 

Robert's never seen one of them before, doesn't exactly know what to say to him now that he's looked at it and clearly got the message that he shouldn't be making too much conversation with him. And yet he feels for him in this sudden and sad way because he has no one really? 

“Thank you.” Finn gazes up at him and stares long and hard and Robert knows that he isn't actually _looking_ at him but it's still so unnerving that he has to look away. “Is there something you would like?”

Robert frowns, shuffles a little back and forth. “Well, no I just — I wanted to ask if you were okay.” He says softly and then immediately starts to look towards the books on the shelf as a woman walks by. 

Finn hasn't said anything yet and Robert worries himself until he nods. “I love the State.” He says simply and Robert doesn't even want to think about what he's just said. 

“Finn.” Robert stresses, “You don't have to —“

Finn suddenly looks up. “What is it you'd like me to say?” He hisses, “I'm fine. I'm coping without —“

 _Ross_.

Robert pulls his head down a little because suddenly someone has admitted his existence again. “Okay.” He says gently and Finn clears his throat. 

“So, would you like any books here?” Finn says, changing the subject and looking at the drab shelf before kneeling down and taking books from an old box into his hand. They're all classics and Robert loses his mind and asks what Finn is doing with them. “Destroying them.” He says and then he leans closer a little. “Take one.” He hisses. “I'll turn my back.”

And all this heat rises through Robert as he reaches down and looks, he goes to grab one and then suddenly sights another book and smiles before pulling it under his jacket.

And God does he feels like a rebel.

 

::

 

Aaron hasn't had the best of days again and when Robert knocks on the door to the room something opens in chest. He's suddenly not alone anymore and he hangs off him a little as he comes into the room with a soft smile on his face and something hidden under his jacket.

Robert kisses him against the wall with a soft ease and Aaron won't admit how proud he is that Robert has come in terms of being accepting of himself. Robert smiles and laughs and _kisses_ with a passion matching Aaron's. When he pulls away, Aaron bites his lip a little and hides his blush. 

“Hello.” Robert whispers, and Aaron strokes his arm gently with ease. “I've got something for you. Sit down and close your eyes.” He pushes down at Aaron's chest and he drops down on the bed suddenly with a confused look on his face. He shuts his eyes and feels Robert walk around him. 

“You know the other day, when you were upset? Well, you said something and it made me — want to do something nice for you so ...” Robert brings the book out in front of him. “Open.”

And Aaron *does. Only he's met with the book he adored as a child because it blocked out all the bad. It's Treasure Island. It really is. 

His mouth hangs open and his eyes flicker a little. “I —“ he breathes out funnily and Robert's smugness quickly turns into concern. He asks if Aaron likes it and doesn't really get a reply. Aaron just nods his head a little and then when Robert tries to kiss him he turns away.

“Have — have I done something wrong?” Robert says and he makes Aaron's heart ache and his bracelet fizzle harshly. 

“The book — it just reminds me of all the _bad_.” Aaron says harshly. “What — what were you playing at?” He frowns and Robert's eyes flicker a little bow. 

“I was playing at the thoughtful card. Seems like I failed though.” Robert says, slumps down on the bed and Aaron stands. 

“Where did you even get it from?”

“Finn said I could take —“

“*Finn? Well, how did you know it wasn't a trap?” Aaron's all shouty and panicking now and they haven't fought like this in so long. 

“He wouldn't — no — I —“ Robert shakes his head. “Well I took that risk 'cause I wanted you to be happy.” Only now he feels like a twat.

“Well that's another fail isn't it? 'Cause I'm more freaked out than —“

“Why are you freaked out over a book?” Robert just doesn't understand and just seeing the tear rolling down Aaron's face is enough to amplify his worry. “Aaron, you said it helped with the bad stuff. What was it?” He says, treads carefully as he speaks now. “Your dad?”

Aaron shudders slightly and he knew, he knew that this part was always going to come if they carried on the way they were. 

“Was he horrible?” Robert can imagine it. “Trust me I know all —“

“Worse.” Aaron gets out, can't bring himself to say anything else and Robert frowns at him. He tries to hold Aaron's hand but Aaron just freaks out and pushes Robert towards the ground after he shouts —

“I don't want your _hands_ on me dad!”

And Robert is horrified so suddenly about exactly what Aaron means. It's more than anything physical. So much more. He looks up and sees Aaron over him with this wide eyed expression and fear and —

“I'm so sorry.” Aaron's got tears running down his face and they won't stop. They keep falling and falling and Robert is hurt on the floor and for a second he saw *him and not _his_ Robert. “God, let me help you up.” He says, only Robert just stares at him. 

“He hurt you like that.” Robert gets out slowly, caught up in absolutely everything and Aaron turns ice cold.

“Over and over and fucking over again.” Aaron's skin is on fire and he can't breathe and everything hurts but Robert is still with him. “I'm sorry.” He says suddenly. “I'm so sorry for hurting you. I thought you were him.”

And the way he falls into Robert's chest is too heartbreaking.

“I thought you were — were him.” Aaron keeps saying and Robert rubs his back slowly. 

“It's okay. It's alright.” He whispers over and over again. 

Aaron calms down eventually and Robert has to hold him through it for what feels like years. He holds him against his chest and when Robert finally feels Aaron pull off him he has this tortured look on his face.

“I didn't want to tell you like this.” Aaron admits, knees to chest and tears in his eyes. “But — there's never a right time to tell someone that your dad raped you is there?” And Robert just lets him speak. “It happened when I was eight and by then my mum had disappeared with my little sister so it was just me and him.” Aaron gulps hard. “And I was a little shit and I hated the State, I was so curious about what else there was and — he tried teaching me a lesson. And then he couldn't stop.”

“I'm so sorry.” Robert blurts out suddenly, doesn't know what else to actually say and then he whispers. "You — you said he was hanged — did they —“ 

Aaron grimaces, “They found out and did it without me knowing it was going to happen.” He whispers slowly. “He admitted it to my uncle." He says and then suddenly shakes his head and goes back on his words. “Got it forced it out of him and I had to watch him *die.” Aaron's eyes flicker. “He was this *disgrace and I was left behind.” He gulps hard and sighs. “I was left alone.”

Robert wipes a tear from his eye and shudders. “You're not anymore.” He says. “Aaron you're not on your own anymore, I promise.” He whispers. “I'm here for —“

But suddenly it's all too much, it's so much too quickly and he's not going to own up to how he feels right now so he shudders. “Shut up.” He's cruel and harsh and doesn't mean it. “This is just sex and you shouldn't have known.”

Only Robert's face falls a little and gasps. “Aaron, you don't —“

“I do.” Aaron gathers to his feet, heads towards the door. “You don't tell anyone okay?” He shouts. “Just — just leave me alone and —“

Robert gets to his feet and his chin wobbles suddenly. “Let me help you.” He says, only that makes Aaron waves his hands about suddenly and scream at him to leave him alone.

“Don't be here when I get back!” He shouts and Robert falls back on the bed as he hears Aaron race down the stairs. Robert doesn't know how to feel as Aaron's feet disappear but suddenly, so suddenly he just wants him back and everything inside him screams out for the feeling to stop altogether. His bracelet continues to scream out for him and there's tears in his eyes suddenly.

He cannot imagine how brave Aaron is and it flows through him with an ease which is almost subtly damaging. After everything he has been through, he let Aaron in and Robert — 

He's pushed him too before hasn't he? Robert has pushed the only person in this whole world who he cares about away and he's only got himself to blame. He's consumed with this terrible guilt for so long and then suddenly —

There's a sound of an explosion, an _actual_ bomb is going off and it rips through the room with an intense speed about it which leaves Robert shaking. He closes his eyes and shudders against the effect of it all going on in his mind. Then he opens his eyes and the window in the room only shows him rubble. 

He sees bricks and mud and the air is thick with rubble and fog and _blackness_. Robert is too petrified to move because suddenly this is it? This is the State finally getting rid of everyone and using technology or something to begin to create people. Robert closes his eyes and waits for another hit before he's thinking of Aaron. _Aaron_. Robert's eyes widen against the realisation that he ran out into the street just where a bomb has been hit and —

Robert shakes everywhere again. “Aaron.” He whispers suddenly, eyes watering, tears falling down his face. "Aaron, oh God. Oh no." And his bracelet is starting to loose energy and fizzle lightly against his skin, almost fizzle _out_ and Robert yanks at it to keep it alive. “Please.” He whispers, because Aaron can't die, can he? He can't leave him, not like this. Not now. 

Not like this

Not now.

Robert has his head in his knees as they cling to his chest and he sobs heavily until there's nothing left to come out. It feels like years have gone by when he hears the door go and he doesn't even care at all. If they've come to take him away, he'll let him.

Only.

Robert is still crying and suddenly he feels someone swoop down and hold his face and it's _him_. It's Aaron, he's not _dead_ ; he's still breathing.

“Rob.” Aaron whispers, face blackened and bruised and a cut just above his right eye. He's got tears in his eyes, rolling down his face over and over again. “It's okay.” He shudders. “I'm okay.” Because the bomb made him fall to the ground and scream out in pain but all he could think about was getting to Robert. 

Robert frowns at him suddenly and pushes at the way Aaron tries to hold him. “I thought you were fucking dead!” He shouts. “You — you _prick_. You just walked out and left me here to think you'd just been —“

Aaron cups Robert's face against his struggle and shakes his head as he has tears in his eyes. “I'm — I'm sorry.” He whispers and Robert just keeps repeating himself.

“Dead. Just dead. I thought you were —“

Robert gives up, catches his breath and then Aaron suddenly brings him into his arms and holds him tightly. 

“I came back for you. I came right back here.” Aaron kisses his head as Robert cries. “I love you so much.” He cries and Robert freezes around his words.

Something collapses in his chest and Aaron can't believe he's said it out loud.

Robert has tears rolling down his face as he looks up at Aaron with his mouth open.

He can't say anything for a second, can't even believe it.

Aaron sniffs lightly. “I love you, I love you.” He combs through Robert's hair gently and thinks about how dark it got just seconds ago when he thought he'd never see Robert again. “I don't want you to say anything back I just — I've always known it was always you I'd love.” Aaron doesn't say stuff like this. “He made me — he made me love the State 'cause no one could ever _make_ me love them and do _that_ to me, he made me believe it was all wrong but you're not wrong. How I feel isn't wrong.” He whispers, presses his face against Robert's. “After all he did to me, and I still managed to find you.” 

And Robert collapses against the way Aaron speaks, kisses Aaron lightly and wraps his arms around him gently and then with a beautiful ease.

“Don’t — don't ever nearly die on me again.” Robert whispers gently, has a hand through Aaron's hair as he speaks and then kisses his forehead. “I couldn't handle it.” He shakes and Aaron nods his head and —

Their bracelets vibrate like mad.

 

::

 

_' "I don't want you to say anything back I just - I've always known it was always you I'd love." '_

Robert's stuck in the day dream over and over again and he only is able to slip out of it once Aaron brushes passed him in the office. 

He's not sure what he's supposed to do or say now that Aaron loves him, is *in love with him. His bracelet fizzles against the slightest feel of Aaron and then he sees the man gesture for him to follow. So Robert does willingly and they end up in a cupboard in the downstairs factory. 

Aaron pulls him in and Robert smiles shyly at him for a second or two before he leans in to kiss Aaron's mouth. He half misses with his haste and Aaron smiles for a second before pulling Robert away.

“Just came here to talk.” Aaron whispers, hand falling towards his waist and then he sighs. “What I told you yesterday, it's a lot to take in. I know. I was just hoping that it doesn't ruin anything.” He says. “What my dad did, I don't want your sympathy or anything like that okay?”

Robert comes forward and holds a hand on Aaron's shoulders, gentle and yet firm. “You've only got me, not — not *sympathy or pity okay?” He smiles faintly. “And what _else_ you said —“

“I meant it.” Aaron blurts out, and his bracelet vibrates against his skin as he holds Robert's face. “I thought I was dying when I was laying there and — and all I regretted was not telling you.” He says, and Eskimo kisses are apparently their *thing now. 

Robert wraps his arms around Aaron and kisses his head. “I'd understand you know.” He says, “If you're not up for sex —“ Aaron pulls away and frowns at him. “I mean — I just want you to be comfortable.”

“And I _am_. With you, in that bed. It's completely different and I know that.” Aaron says confidently and Robert's heart melts underneath his words. 

“Okay.” Robert says. “Tonight then?” He asks and Aaron nods softly before disappearing.

 

::

 

The bomb was from Russia with love. Apparently. Robert's never been angrier considering it nearly killed Aaron and he's got the bruises to prove it.

He types fast about it and tries to stop his hands from shaking as he remembers the night before and how absolutely everything inside him heightened. What exactly he felt for Aaron was suddenly put to the test because as he sobbed his heart out; he thought Aaron was *dead. 

“It nearly killed about a dozen,” Jimmy appears with a pencil in his mouth and a pale face. “Imagine if it had eh?” 

And Robert did imagine that it killed Aaron. It was the worst feeling in the whole world. 

“The State would be so upset.” Jimmy says naively and Robert bites down his tongue as he agrees. 

 

::

 

Aaron is slower with his movements now, he presses kisses to Robert's neck in no haste nor heat about him and then slowly discards Robert's layers towards the floor with a smile on his face. 

“Aaron, remember what I said?” Robert says tentatively and Aaron holds his shirt as he slides it off.

"I just want you." Aaron tingles all over and the thought of Robert overrides the bad somehow. “He hasn't taken you away.” And he means the pleasure of him. “He nearly tried, a few days ago, remember when I said I wasn't in the mood. It was the anniversary of his death.” Aaron's eyes flicker. “Usually I spend the day alone but ...” 

Robert carefully puts his hand in Aaron's. “You don't have to do that anymore.” He smiles faintly, pushes his forehead against Aaron's. “'Cause I'm here, and I'm not leaving.”

Aaron frowns a little in disbelief. “You will, one day.” And that only makes Robert kisses him with a passion that Aaron usually begins with. It makes Aaron's legs turn to jelly suddenly. 

“Let me prove how much I want to stay here.” He says delicately and Aaron shudders a little under it. “I promise to take it slow.”

Aaron bites his lip a little. 

“You don't have to just — when I feel out of control, sometimes it's a bit too much.” Aaron mumbles, and he's never had to do this with anyone anymore, it feels odd and comforting at the same time. 

Robert nods, and he takes care of Aaron as they kiss and pant and lose their minds as well as their bracelets over how good it all feels to be like *this.

“I love you.” Aaron pants into Robert's ear a little after Robert falls towards his side and groans. It makes Robert want to say it back but something seems to stop him so suddenly and maybe it's the hand Aaron places so lovingly on his chest. “Thank you.” 

Robert almost smirks. “You don't have to thank —“

“For looking after me.” Aaron whispers. “It's been a while.” He says, gulps a little and Robert falls apart under the weight of his gratitude. He kisses him gently. 

“You still don't need to thank me.” Robert argues and Aaron rolls his eyes.

“I do, considering that this was just sex wasn't it? That's what I said to you back then.” He says, and then he stretches down and looks towards his bag as Robert speaks. 

“Yeah.” Robert squirms. “It was just sex to begin with but — it always felt like —“

Aaron turns back towards him with a cigarette between his teeth and a lighter in his hand. “More?” He finishes Robert's sentence but the older man is just in absolute shock as Aaron lights it. “What?” He asks, like he doesn't know what's wrong. 

“You —“ Robert just stares at him a little and then suddenly Aaron starts puffing at the cigarette. 

“Oh shit, sorry. Do you want one?” Aaron goes to lean down again and Robert holds at his shoulder to stop him. 

Aaron's this bloody enigma sometimes. Soft and vulnerable and beautiful but also rebellious and hard and fearless.

You're not supposed to _smoke_. They're not sold anywhere anymore because of how many deaths they caused. Robert's actually always understood it really.

“I don't like — smoke or —" he just looks at the lighter and Aaron suddenly understands the link, pulls a hand over Robert's and just kisses his cheek before moving towards the window and putting it out. 

“You didn't have to do that.” Robert tells him but Aaron just shrugs a little as he races back towards the bed and shivers against the cold. 

“You would have done the same.” Aaron says and Robert doesn't disagree. 

“Where'd you get it from anyway? They're banned, discontinued.”

Aaron scoffs. “Nothing's discontinued.” He says and sometimes it feels like Robert's the younger one. “They just _say_ that to make people feel like they're helpless to what's happening. All the posh twats smoke _cigars_. Robert's eyes widen in this awfully naive way and Aaron almost laughs. “You can find anything you want in the Black Market. You just have to be —“

“Careful.” Robert stresses. “Please tell me you are.” He says and Aaron kisses his cheek. 

“Of course I am.” 

And Robert really really hopes he is.

 

::

 

Robert's a journalist sometimes, a proper one and so that's why he's meant to travel into the Urban and look for a scope on the danger of life in the area. 

Jimmy's wife has set him the task because apparently she's been boosted up to this role which includes trying to get the gossip on the Forgotten Area. 

He's in this back street pub and everything is murky and filled with dust and Robert is almost amazed by it. It's like it hasn't moved with the times whatsoever, stubbornly has kept the mysterious blackness of the place and ignored the white tiles of the main city area. It's enough to almost make him smile a little as he starts taking pictures of the place.

He's on strict instructions to make it as sad and dreary and uncivilised as possible but it's not like he has to do much. A rat runs across his shoe and the way he jumps back in fright is enough to make a group of old men start roaring with laughter. 

It's weird, they seem to embrace the squalor and despite the fact that the place still has pictures of Lawrence scattered around the place, it's like this is _their_ quiet rebellion. Living like pigs and serving as an embarrassment to the State altogether. 

They'll never do anything to help them though, it's too easy for the State to profit from how awful the conditions are and encourage citizens to take better care of themselves. It's all just one big game it seems.

“Now young man, are you lost or just curious?” This particular man has a white beard and a glass of something amber hugged towards his chest and Robert has seen his face before. He can't place it though so he just keeps staring and staring until he realises he's supposed to say something back now. 

“I'm here to do a news report.” Robert says, adjusts his tie a little and clears his throat. “For the State. To show them how —“

“How we live?” And that makes everyone start to laugh again like something is actually hilarious. Robert doesn't understand and by the time he tries to calm himself down, he's taken as many pictures as he needs of the place and wants to leave. He wants to but the old man calls out for him to stop and all his friends have disappeared.

He's probably drunk and lonely and Robert for some reason decides to go back and sit down beside him. 

“I've seen your face before. In a picture or something.” Robert says, but not at the museum or in the library. "I can't —“

“Comrade Thomas was my son.” The older man slams a hand down on the table and coughs suddenly, almost wheezing as he does so. Robert's face falls a little because Comrade Thomas died as an absolute martyr for the cause. It doesn't seem to match up and even though the man introduces himself as Sandy and tries to talk about nothing with Robert, he still doesn't get it.

“Why do you live here and not with Lau- Comrade Potts?” It's not too difficult or invasive of a question to ask but Sandy seems to shrug his shoulders a little like he hasn't dwelled on it too much.

“Look at me son. I'm stuck in the past and there's nothing any shiny new technology could do for me is there?” Only Robert has watched all the programmes and seen all the advertisements for the elderly and trying to get them on side. Because the ageing population is really fucking real and somehow the State has to teach them that what they distinctly remember is false and untrue and mere fragments of their imagination. 

There's a deep cruelness behind it and Sandy's the prime example of a man who didn't budge against their words. He supposes that he should be respected but the State has turned him into an old drunk who sits around in dark pubs and doesn't have a family of his own.

No one _really_ has a family, but a household is something that all citizens should be apart of and the fact that Sandy isn't makes Robert feel for him in this strange way that he shouldn't. 

“You said you were stuck in the past? What exactly does that mean then?” Robert asks, almost too eagerly and he's been waiting for the chance to do this for absolutely years. He wants to know what it was like back then, if things were as they seemed or if the State really had just re-wrote history at their will. 

Sandy looks confused though, “When the air was sweet.” He smiles faintly and even Robert remembers that. He remembers a softness and quietness about this city which was so much bigger than it is now. You had police officers of course, but LW's were nowhere to be seen. “And trees grew up high and high.” 

Robert can't remember the last time he saw a _tree_. A proper one.

Most of the trees in the city had been destroyed during the war and what was left wasn't enough to sustain everyone. People died because of it and then the State came along and produced these oxygen heaters which everyone has installed in them. It's like a little chip, given to you like a vaccination when your lungs have developed enough to not be properly sustained by the few trees scattered around the place. 

You were supposed to be thankful for the fact that the State _saved_ you from death. Robert just thinks that they've made everyone even more reliant on, you cannot even _breathe_ without the assistance of them.

He knows actually.

Robert shuffles a little closer to Sandy and puts away his camera. “You remember what it was like *before?” He whispers, and Sandy is still frowning a little and he smells of cigarettes now.

“All of it was different.” Sandy waves a hand out and then downs the amber liquid with gusto and Robert nearly kicks himself because it all does is numb you and make it harder for the truth to seep out. “Trees — trees weren't the same.” He says and Robert dives his head down slowly.

“Right.” Robert says slowly. “But now it's better?” He whispers, just one last try and Sandy squints at him.

“Oh. I wouldn't know. I'm stuck in the —“

“Past, yeah.” Robert says, shakes his head a little and then gulps hard. “I should be going.”

Sandy doesn't even say anything as Robert gets up and leaves. “Free.” He mumbles out as Robert gets to the door of the pub. He raises his empty glass and shouts it and Robert just frowns at him. “You asked — what it was like son.”

And Robert's face falls against it.

 

::

 

Everyone seems to be fascinated by the pictures he's taken and he gets a round of a applause for properly capturing how awful the place was.

He feels like he's back there when everyone starts laughing and clapping their hands together like he's done something commendable. In reality, he's made a group of people inferior to everyone in this office and it makes something almost swirl in his stomach. 

He almost doesn't want to publish anything at all but that would only cause more suspicion so he takes all the compliments and nods along. He feels a hand on his back suddenly and something tingles through him.

“Amazing pictures there.” And it's Aaron, he's out of his overalls but the hi-vis jacket is still on, annoyingly. Robert wants him in a suit.

“Thanks.” Robert says softly, nods his head as he watches Aaron walk away. He has to yank his bracelet down and stop looking at the smirk on Aaron's face.

He almost can't though and Aaron happens to love him so being reminded of that wild little fact every time he sees him is absolutely insane. Robert escapes the celebration and goes back towards his desk to write everything up and that's when he sees him.

He's staring at him from across the room and his tie is tucked into a waist coat in this unfamiliar way. Robert hasn't seen him before but the way his eyes are locked on his gives him the impression that the man _knows_ him. It's almost unnerving and Robert finds himself pulling his head down and typing faster. 

The man keeps staring at him though, short brown hair and a smirk on his face like he knows something Robert doesn't and it makes the clearly older man a paranoid wreck for no reason. Until he finally comes over and puts Robert out of his misery.

“You're a good worker.” The man says, he's controlled and loose at the same time like he is confident that he can say anything he wishes. Robert is suddenly jealous of his freedom and doesn't know what to say. He just nods his head a little and then waits.

“I thought I'd come over and introduce myself. I'm the new supervisor of the department, so I'll be overseeing everything that everyone does.” He extends his hand out suddenly. “Comrade Tate.” He smirks and Robert suddenly feels uneasy in his presence.

He shakes his hand all the same though because he's not stupid.

Despite the silly quiff the boy is rocking which Robert wants to take the piss out of.

::

 

His name is Joseph Tate and he's had affiliations with the State family for years apparently. Robert thinks that he's a spy because he's always watching and he should just stay in his office and earn million off of the State. But he doesn't.

Instead he's always walking around and monitoring and Robert is desperate to escape by the time he gets to the bathrooms a whole week later and feels Aaron walk in behind him. He catches his reflection in the mirror and the way Aaron smiles at him is everything.

“I fucking miss you.” Aaron whispers, his shoulder bumps against Robert's as he pretends to be washing his hands beside him and Robert knows exactly how he feels. They've had to be more quieter recently, he can't sneak down to see Aaron and kiss him breathlessly just before lunch begins because Tate has them on a tight regulated schedule.

And Aaron's been busy with some ridiculous Workers Party organisation just to prove that he's not a rebel from the waist down and from the mouth as well. 

“I miss you too.” Robert whispers, gently reaches over and holds Aaron's hand. The cold water running over their hands makes them both shudder and Aaron's thankful that the cameras aren't working still because that means he can rest his head lovingly against Robert's shoulder for as long as he likes.

"You haven't gone off me then?" Aaron mumbles, a knot in his stomach because he worries about things and they haven't been together for over a week now because the world sucks. Robert dips a hand down into Aaron's jeans so brazenly that it makes Aaron catch his breath suddenly. 

He turns bright red and smiles as Robert bites his lip and then Aaron's ear and it makes the younger man slap his chest. “Piss off, I get it.” Aaron whispers and when he kisses Robert, he keeps his eyes open like he wants to savour the way Robert looks like this. He does. He wants to know how Robert looks at him, if he wants him as much as he wants Robert right now and it pulls something in his chest as they keep kissing.

“I don't want to leave.” Robert moans as Aaron pulls away. “I want you so much.” He whispers and Aaron walks towards the door backwards and nearly hits his head.

“Soon.” Aaron promises. 

And Robert has to pour cold water over his face to calm himself down.

 

::

Joe corners him. 

He just corners him a few days later and it's almost out of nowhere really. Robert is waiting for a sandwich to be delivered to him by one of the canteen ladies and that's when Tate decides to slip him a note and it's the most terrifying two words Robert has ever read.

It so simply reads: I know.

 

::

 

Robert's pacing about in the bathroom trying to breathe by the time Aaron casually walks in and doesn't expect to see him. It takes him about five seconds to realise that Robert is having a panic attack or something and he launches himself at him and steadies a hand over Robert's chest.

“Breathe. With me. In. Out. Come on. You've got this.” Aaron rubs a hand over Robert's face and kisses his cheek lovingly but it doesn't stop anything from racing through Robert's body because —

“He knows.” He hisses out, head dizzy now as he tries to speak and Aaron just frowns at him.

“Robert, you're not making any —“

“Tate knows. He knows about us.” Robert breathes in heavily and almost can't breathe *out again and Aaron's face just falls. He's pale and worn suddenly and looks like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

Aaron has every right to be petrified and scared and yet he shakes it all off within seconds as he looks at Robert. “How do you know that?” He asks, because he has to keep a clear head if they're going to get through this. He needs the facts and not Robert's fears.

Robert rubs a hand through his hair. “He slipped me a note.” He whispers. “It just — just said that he *knows.” There's nothing else Robert can possibly think about apart from being caught and _dying_. “We're the dead.” He says gravely and then he hears Aaron shudder and he knows what he has to do. “Go — go back to the factories downstairs okay? I'll be fine.” Robert turns to leave but suddenly Aaron grabs him by the arm and shakes his head.

“I'm coming with you.” And Aaron's a _fool_. He's got tears in his eyes and his face is bright red and he's literally giving himself up so easily that it hurts Robert. 

“You think I'd let you do that?” Robert snaps. “Aaron. Stay here, *please.” He has tears threatening to fall down his face and he's almost suddenly aware that this may be the last time he sees Aaron's. “I — want you to be safe okay?”

But Aaron keeps on going at it. “I can't let you go on your own. I want — want to be with ya.” He says and then he's hitting at Robert's chest as he tries to go towards the door but it only makes Robert hold him by the shoulders.

“Don't make — make this any harder.” Robert whispers, pushes his forehead towards Aaron's. “I'm sorry.” He whispers. “I'll — I'll try and keep you safe. I promise.” He won't tell them every single detail. He'll say that he chased Aaron and not the other way around. “I promise Aaron.” He kisses him then, wraps him up in his arms and his bracelet goes mad for a second before he's moving further towards the door.

Aaron's just standing there crying because it shouldn't be like *this, not when it was his fault to begin with. *He's the one who kissed him first. He's the one who chased him and chased and —

“ _Rob_.” He whispers. 

Not like this. Not like this.

“Bye Aaron.” Robert dares to say and then he vanishes under Aaron's suddenly sick in one of the cubicles as he thinks about what they'll do to him.

 

::

 

Robert waits until almost everyone has left the office, he knows that they'll be no point of trying to ignore the very clear message and run back to Aaron for one last goodbye. It doesn't stop the thought circling his head though as he very slowly packs his stuff away.

He can see Tate in his own office, right in the middle of the room like he's got the ability to watch everyone all at once. Suddenly he taps on the window of the office and calls for Robert to enter.

And this, this is _it_. Robert knows it is! Finally, almost finally everything is going to stop and he'll be _free_ of all the lies and the torment in his mind. They'll make him disappear, and Aaron will move on and it will be okay in the end. It _has_ to be okay in the end.

He knocks before he enters the room and then he sees Tate smiling at him smugly before he's offering him a drink. A proper one. The room smells of actual whiskey and not just the stuff the State give out for free. 

Robert declines and that makes Tate look at him with a frown on his face. “Where is he then?” He asks, that smugness still visible now. It makes Robert catch his breath a little. 

“It's all me. Not him. He didn't know any better.” And Robert is kidding himself, believing that if he's firm enough that Tate will just forget Aaron's whole involvement i their gay love affair.

The man pulls a face and then shrugs his shoulders. “True. You are the one we're more interested in.” That makes Robert wince a little but he has to just take it doesn't he? If it's keeping Aaron out of any sort of trouble then it's okay. He supposes that the State have always always been concerned with how Jack Sugden's son turned out. 

Robert shuts his eyes for a second. “Just get it over with then. I'll go willingly. Just as long as you keep Aaron out of it. I'll — I'll tell them that I pressurised him into it.” He says hastily but Tate just frowns at him. 

“And why would I want to do that?” 

Robert's eyes widen as he sees the way the man extends his hand out. “My name's Joe.” He says. “What you and Aaron do should have nothing to do with anyone except you two. That's not what this is about. Didn't I make that clearer?”

Robert genuinely feels like he's going to faint as all this relief washes through him and he watches Joe pour himself another drink. 

“I *know about you and Aaron rebelling.” He says, shrugs his shoulders. “And I want to ask if you're interested in joining the Humanity Defence League. The HDL.”

Robert's heard of them. If he played a game of who hasn't, it would end miserably for him. Everyone screams and shouts at the HDL in Two Minutes Hate because of how they supposedly birthed Cain Dingle. 

“I — I don't know what to say.” Robert mumbles. Only he does know. No. He wants to *scream it because he can't ever entertain doing that but he keeps it polite.

“How about, say you'll think about it.” Joe says. “You'd be surprised how many members we already have Robert. Adam Barton for example.” And that makes Robert's eyes nearly fall out of his head and Joe laughs. “See. You'd never know.” He tells him and Robert tightens his shoulders.

“If I say no though, you'll blackmail me right?” Robert can see it from a mile off really and it's probably how they have so many recruits. He can't help but wonder what Adam had done. 

Joe looks all seriously suddenly though. “I'm not in the habit of blackmail.” He says calmly and Robert believes that. “Just think about it. The future is now Robert.” 

The future is now.

 

::

 

He runs all the way to the room, misses steps and nearly breaks his ankle as he reaches the door. He thinks about knocking but realises that it'll probably only startle Aaron into fair. He doesn't have to think that much though because the door isn't locked and he's free to just walk in.

His heart is still racing when he decides to and then it nearly leaps out of his chest when he sees how Aaron is this little ball on the bed. He's under the covers and he's crying and Robert winces against how awful it makes him feel. 

It's what he's thinking about when he approaches the bed and kneels gently. He holds it together as he parts a hand through Aaron's hair and lets the curls slide over his fingers over and over again. 

And then Aaron's eyes are opening, and he sees Robert kneeling there with a smile on his face and not a single scratch on him. He looks perfect and all the thoughts spiralling through Aaron's head suddenly seize to exist.

“Rob?” Aaron whispers, so suddenly confused and with this look on his face that only makes Robert not at him.

“I'm okay. Aaron I'm —“

He doesn't get to finish his sentence because Aaron suddenly wraps his arms around him and starts to shake. He's never hugged him like this before, not even when Robert had thought he'd been killed in that explosion. This is different, this is almost _more_ if that's even possible. It makes Robert's bracelet continue to vibrate over and over again as Aaron holds him.

“You're _shaking_.” Robert mumbles against Aaron's shoulder and the younger man pulls away suddenly.

“Of course I fucking am.” He says, face so blotchy now. “I — I thought they'd — I thought I'd *never see ya again." He's got tears _streaming_ down his face and he's spent the last two hours trying to remember Robert's scent in the sheets. “I love you.” He blurts out and Robert nearly melts under it and how much it all means.

He holds Aaron's face in his and now is not the time to be scared of saying it back but Aaron still doesn't expect him to. 

“You're okay.” Aaron whispers, holds a hand over his mouth and then almost paws at Robert's shirt. “You're not — not hiding it? They haven't —“

“No.” Robert promises, heavy and soft at the same time and Aaron suddenly kisses him and he kisses him back with all this heat in him. 

“How did —“ Aaron has every right to ask questions, only all Robert wants to do is be kissed.

“Just kiss me.” Robert pleads and it doesn't take long before Aaron's ripping at his clothes as well and suddenly they're just two boys who have just realised _how_ in love with each other they are.

 

::

 

Eventually, Robert gets his breath back and Aaron calms down enough for them to properly talk about what's happened. Aaron's naked against the sheets and shudders against how cold it is before leaning down and picking up Robert's shirt. He slides it on and it's a little long but it makes Robert smile at him for a second.

Aaron's still got his hair curled and his face is still sticky from the tears that fell down his face over and over again less than an hour ago. 

“I thought it was all over.” Robert whispers, eyes soft and then suddenly they harden as he remembers and he finds himself pulling on Aaron's black jumper and curling up against his lover's chest. “He asked for me to come in and I thought it was going to be the end. He asked where you were, and I told them it was all me.” 

Aaron tuts, pulls a hand through Robert's hair gently and kisses his head. “You idiot.” He says. 

Robert sighs and then continues. “And then I panicked, said I'd come with him if he kept you out of it but he didn't seem to get what I meant at all.” He frowns as he remembers and Aaron suddenly sits up to look at him. “He was part of the HDL Aaron.” He blurts out. “He wants to recruit us.”

Aaron's head spins a little, feels light against what he's hearing and then his eyes flicker. “But, you said that he knows —“

“Yeah. He knew about _us_ , knew what we were doing but he didn't care. He cared about us — being rebellious in general.” Robert distracts himself with a piece of loose thread on Aaron's jumper and gulps. 

“And what did you say?” Aaron asks, holds Robert's arm as he speaks and waits as his heart thumps out of his chest wildly.

“Nothing. I said I'd think about it but there's absolutely no way I'm doing that to us. If we're caught then — we'd be _killed_.” Robert is so certain but Aaron's still looking at him like he's uncertain of what to do or say. “Aaron, they're the State's biggest enemy. They're who we have to scream and shout at every week, who — who made Cain Dingle the man he —“

Aaron winces against his name and then just nods his head. “Fine.” He says delicately. “I don't care about that. I just care about you.” He says. “And you're safe so —“

“I'm safe. Right here.” Robert holds a hand towards Aaron's chest and smiles. “Okay?” He whispers.

“Okay.” Aaron says and then he's wrapping his arms around Robert's neck and everything settled in his chest for a second as he kisses Robert's head. “Don't leave.” He pleads, and Robert —

He wouldn't even dream of leaving Aaron.

 

::

 

They wake up when the sun rises and they've never actually spent the whole night together so when Robert wakes up in Aaron's arms it's the best feeling in the world.

The sun lights streams into the room and won't stop and Robert has to blink against the way it makes him wince until Aaron is shuffling about and eventually smiling sleepily at Robert.

“Hi.” Robert whispers, strokes over Aaron's arm and then kisses him, he wants to keep kissing him but then something pulls him back and it's the fact that he shouldn't be here. Not like this. Not _now_.

“Hello.” Aaron says, and the years between them seem to stretch out when he starts to kiss him so passionately, so quickly. He's just woken up and he's already pinning Robert against the bed and kissing at his neck.

Robert hisses against the fact that he's going to leave marks and Aaron gets it, calms down a little and then slides down against him. “Sorry, you're just fucking hot.” He says, plays with a bobble on his jumper that Robert is wearing and then smiles. And I thought I'd lost you yesterday and I'd never get to kiss you again so ...”

“That would have ended me you know.” Robert blurts out and there's a dip in his stomach. “It's all I could think of when I thought he was going to — to hand me over to them.” He cringes against it and Aaron kisses his cheek.

“I would have said it was all me you know.” Aaron shrugs, voice like gravel because it's still so early. “I'd have never let you to take the blame.” He whispers.

It's touching and Robert knows he's being honest but he can't have that. “Aaron, when it comes down to it, we can't just —“

“I don't think I can help myself.” It's almost like Aaron is always going to be destined to be like *this. He's always going to chase Robert and want to keep him safe and loved and he's incapable of hating him or feeling even the slightest bit indifferent. Aaron knows that he'll be unable to ignore the fact that Robert has taken the blame for *their love affair. No, he's fully aware that once Robert is taken, he's going to charge himself into that Ministry of Love and share a cell with his lover for all of damn eternity.

Robert gulps hard and he knows that if it was the other way round that he'd do exactly the same thing. Suddenly he has to change his mind against what he's said and he sighs. “Then we don't ever leave each other.” He whispers. “That sounds insane but —“ 

“It sounds right.” Aaron whispers, “It _feels_ right.” 

It feels _right_ and Robert can't stop thinking about it over and over again until he's thinking about Joe and how it all works out in his head. If they joined the HDL there was the threat of having to leave each other whilst they went on these expeditions of freedom or whatever and that would be gutting. Aaron almost reads his mind and sides hard.

“The group will help us Robert.” He's bold in his idea and Robert sighs hard. “Just think about it okay?” He says. “Because — I know that I'd join if it meant I'd never have to imagine you dead ever again.” Everything turns dark suddenly and Robert catches his breath against how sincerely broken Aaron looks. He's clearly remembering crying his guts out last night and it makes everything so sad.

And Robert gets it.

“I'll think about it.”

 

::

 

He's nearly late to work and all over the place but no one seems to notice thankfully. He gets out of the lift and finds himself thumping straight into Joe Tate who somehow always has a permanent smug smile on his face that Robert is wary of.

He's actually got the chance to look at him now without being absolutely crippled with fear and it's not long before he realises how young he is. He looks almost too young to be heading the office department and recruiting members for the HDL. Robert shakes his head against those thoughts and apologises before trying to step out of his way.

Joe doesn't let him though. “Have you thought about it?” He asks, and Robert has done nothing _but_ , especially since Aaron seemed pretty set on joining and he was suddenly even more adamantly against it all. Yesterday proved to both of them how much of a _mess_ they could be without each other and Robert never wants to see Aaron look so ruined ever ever again. 

“I've told him. He reckons we should.” Robert says and Joe doesn't even look that surprised. “But I'm still thinking.” He says and Joe seems at least a little satisfied with the _grain_ of progress taken place. 

“Good. Get to work then.” Joe passes Robert like he isn't even there and it makes the older man breathe out a sigh of relief before he's going back to his desk and getting on with the day ahead.

Not much happens until it's the end of the working day and Robert watches Aaron and Adam working together. He's suddenly startled into remembering that he hasn't told Aaron that _Adam_ is a member too. It makes him want to go over and speak to him, yank him away but he looks too caught up in fixing something so Robert decides to visit the library instead. It's funny really, he has his own little spot now and almost every day he waits for Finn to come around and smile at him. He can't see him but clearly Robert has a presence or something and he always smiles back.

Robert waits though, and he waits, and he's still waiting by the time it gets dark outside and the book he is reading has curved edges against how bored he has got. 

“Sorry Comrade, I'm afraid we're closing now.” 

The man in front of him has a patterned shirt on, thick black glasses and brown swept hair but it is *not Finn. It's *not. His cardigan isn't the same, it's longer on the arms and he blinks through the black glasses like he hasn't even lost his sight.

“Where's Fin- Comrade Barton?” Robert tilts his head up and then hears the rain hitting against the window suddenly. It makes everything tense and his shoulders tighten as the man just points at himself.

“I love the State.”

But his voice is too _high_ , it can't be *him. 

“Finn? Where is — where's Finn?” Robert stands up now, and if there was more than a few people in the library he'd probably be kicked out for causing a scene but he's the only one left.

“I'm Finn.” The man points to himself and before Robert can say anything else he sights someone walking towards them with their arms folded. It's the gardener from outside, Laurel's father and he looks cross about something. 

“Are ya losing your mind lad. This lad here is Finn Barton.” He points to _Finn_ and Robert just blinks between them before Doug is telling him to sit down and passes him a smoothie. He thinks Robert's vitamins are down or something but Robert doesn't want any at all. 

“Come on lad.” Doug says and Robert opens the bottle and takes a sip. He doesn't feel any different but he tells them he does. He shakes his head dramatically and shudders.

“I'm sorry. I appeared to have an imbalance.” Robert is an actor, he really is. He stands a little unsteadily and then apologises again before he heads towards the door and disappears out into the darkness in search of an escape.

Aaron.

 

::

 

He's soaked by the time he gets to the room upstairs and Aaron pulls him and wraps a blanket around him. 

“Are you okay?” Aaron asks, because Robert isn't saying anything. He spent the whole week here getting drenched in the rain and thinking about the fact that they have taken Finn and replaced him. 

“Finn. They — they took Finn and replaced — replaced him with someone else.” Robert didn't even know the boy that well, but they could have been friends away from this regime. They could have actually been friends.

Aaron's mouth hangs open a little and his eyes widen. “They've taken —“

“He was just a boy.” Robert hugs at Aaron's side and finds the younger man enveloping him into a soft embrace. "That could have been you." He whispers. 

Aaron's eyes turn glassy as he hears how emotional Robert is over this. “We're more careful than he was.” He says gently, “We're not going to —“

“It's only a matter of time Aaron.” Robert says quickly. “They're going to take ya.” His eyes water suddenly, and it almost all becomes too much for him. Because he knew from the very first moment that he kissed Aaron that it wouldn't last but back then he didn't want it to. Now though, the very thought of not seeing Aaron ever again has been tested and tested and it is unbearable in every sense of the word.

Aaron almost seems to give in to the reality and presses his forehead against Robert's. “They can't.” He says, like he's only a child and he realises how unfair it all is.

Robert kisses him as they sit on the bed and then he holds his hand. “Because we don't let them.” He blurts out suddenly. “I'm not letting us turn out like Finn okay? Not just because of how we feel about each other. Okay?” He says and Aaron is in awe of him. 

“How?”

And Robert blows out a breath suddenly. “We join the HDL.”

Because so suddenly it's the only way out of this nightmare.

 

::

 

Robert tells Joe the next day, it's after hours and almost completely black and that only makes everything a little more sinister.

Joe's just causally sitting in his office flicking through a newspaper and Robert knows that Aaron's only waiting downstairs. Robert told him to wait there until he called for him and he supposes now is the time. 

He knocks on the door and waits for Joe to swing it open with a smug smile on his face and Robert hasn't felt this nervous since he met Aaron in that old barn. When he does finally opening the door he asks for Robert to come in and sit down.

The office itself isn't anything out of the ordinary really but Robert already feels like he shouldn't be here like this. He almost feels all the wrong seep out of him as Joe looks up at him. 

“Have you made your mind up then?” Joe asks, looks a little more seriously and then he nods his head slowly. “Both of you?”

Robert gulps hard and then nods again. “Yeah.”

Joe almost jumps up at that and smiles. “Well, where is he?” He asks, and Robert bites his lip the way Aaron usually does before he's leaving the room and entering it again with Aaron behind him.

Aaron feels his heart thumping in his chest because this sort of rebellion is *real and something you cannot try and justify. Not at all.

“We have your support then?” Joe almost checks with a frown on his fade and it's probably because Robert looks like he's honestly going to be sick or something. 

“You have our support.” Robert whispers, looks at Aaron who nods and then looks back at Joe. “Okay?”

Joe nods and then tilts his head at Aaron. “Is everything —“

And Aaron doesn't even know why but there's this feeling deep within him and it screams at him to protect Robert. “This better not be a set up!” He almost growls because the thought of this all being some sort of trick is making him lose his whole mind. “I swear —“

Joe flies his hands up and laughs. “ _Right_ little rottweiler aren't you?” He jokes, a smile on his face as Robert yanks Aaron by the hoodie and pull him close to his waist.

“Calm down!” Robert hisses suddenly, presses a hand against Aaron's waist and Aaron still has his eyes hard on Joe.

“I swear, if Rob gets in trouble 'cause of you, I'll kill ya.” Aaron finishes off his anger and then breathes out slowly as Joe looks at him. 

“Well, I was going to ask if you're serious about each other but it seems like you are. I can skip that.” Joe smiles a little and then sits on the desk. “I'm glad I've recruited both of you.” He nods.

Robert doesn't know what to say and then sighs. “So, so now what?” He asks and Joe stands and looks at them.

“I'll let you know.” Joe says. “For now, go about your usual business.” He waves a hand up and Aaron scowls at him before he laughs. “Not like _that_. I mean — well just do what you like.” He says and Robert nods at him before he grabs Aaron's hand and leaves.

They manage to get all the way back to the small room by the time Aaron opens his mouth and speaks. They've been in absolute silence but now Aaron seems to unravel against the weight of what they've just done. In effect, they're absolutely going to be seen as traitors to the State now and they've done so _willing_.

“You're shaking.” Robert comments, stands by the door as he sees the way Aaron looks so deep within his own thoughts. He's almost not breathing until Robert touches his leg and coaxes something out of him. It's little more than just a nod of the head and then he looks up at Robert and tries to smile.

“Whatever happens, it's worth it.” Aaron admits, he's made an unwavering _peace_ with that now and it won't go away. He can see himself being snatched and taken in the end but he can also sees promise of something brighter. He won't turn out like Finn. He won't let it happen to himself or Robert. “It's worth you being here, right now.” Aaron almost thinks out loud and then feels Robert gently rub his cheek.

“Never thought someone would ever say something like that to me.” Only because you don't go and run towards a burning building when you know you won't get out of it in time. That's what Aaron's done though, he's followed Robert inside and no body _does_ that. “After they all — after the fire, I never thought someone would honestly _know_ me, look at me and decide to stay but — you did.” Robert's eyes flicker a little in shock against what he's saying and he way Aaron nods his head. “You did.” 

Robert bites his lip and then crashes his mouth against Aaron's in a desperate attempt to wash away how terrifying everything feels right now. He kisses and kisses until all he needs is Aaron's hands through his hair and the feel of the sheets beneath them.

 

::

 

Robert has another dream and it's been so long that he wakes up with tears streaming down his face and this need to have Aaron holding him close. It's pathetic, it's _embarrassing_ but it's also a feeling he cannot ignore. He can't ignore the way he just _wants_ this pain to be over. 

He shuffles in the bed a little and then pulls the covers back over himself and then rubs at his bracelet to calm it down as best he can. And he does. He gets it back to normal as he struggles to understand exactly why he was dreaming of Aaron sitting in his family's house, watching the flames run over him without flinching.

 

::

 

Another bomb hits a week later and this time there are casualties that Robert has to write into his report. There's news about another one hitting any time soon and Robert doesn't know what exactly to say as everyone comments on how everyone should fight against it. 

He doesn't care to even think about anything like that, even when Joe corners him and tells him that no one else will be dying because of the State. Robert arches his eyebrow against his words and supposes that it sounds almost too ominous to ignore so he nods his against it and then runs into Adam.

Adam.

He still can't quite believe that he's a member and Robert stands there recalling when he told Aaron. He frankly was told to fuck off and stop talking shit until Robert explained properly and his mouth hung open in surprise.

Adam just smiles at him and carries on walking and Robert still cannot believe it as he finishes up for the day and makes a grab at his coat. He hears feet coming and sees Aaron when he looks up.

“Near the station.” Aaron keeps his head down and realises that the camera is directly facing him as he pretends to be fixing his belt. “Tonight. Not at the room.” He mutters and Robert frowns a little.

“The bloke knows?” He asks, heart thumping and Aaron shakes his head.

“No.” Aaron says hastily. “Pollard's clueless. Just wanted — just come okay?” 

Robert almost blushes against whatever Aaron is up to and nods his head. “I'll be there.” He says and he makes sure that he's walking down the cobbled street a few hours later and moving towards a small alley way. If someone saw him now they'd ask for his name and exactly what he think he's doing out by himself at this time. 

His heart thumps out of his chest when he feels someone snaking a hand around his waist and jumps around. Aaron's there laughing at him with a smile on his face and a hand out. 

“Follow me Sugden.” He whispers, a promise about him as he holds Robert's hand out of the small space and then lets it go as Robert follows him with his head down. Apparently he's not allowed to look at anything other than Aaron's feet and when he does look up, Aaron's disappeared and he's standing outside the abandoned library. 

For a second, he thinks that he's lost Aaron and then he hears him whispering his name from inside the building and he slips through the window.

“Alright, close your eyes.” Aaron demands, and Robert laughs a little against how bossy he's being before he shuts them properly until Aaron tells him to open them again. 

When he _does_ , Aaron's on a blanket and has managed to transform the place into something that almost looks romantic? There are candles, actual _candles_ and Robert thought no one used them anymore but apparently Aaron had his connections. It's probably why he's got beer and bread and jam and Robert feels his stomach fizzle.

“Aaron ...” he starts, only Aaron is a fucking sap and he just smiles at him.

“I told you about him, and you've been amazing. I thought — thought I'd never see you again and it killed me Robert. I want you to know that —“

Robert kneels suddenly and is in awe of how soft the fabric beneath him is. “I do know.” He whispers, presses a kiss to Aaron's head.

“Everything's been so tense and horrible lately and I just wanted us to be us?” Aaron says softly and Robert has tears in his eyes a little as he speaks.

“It's worth all of it to have you here.” Robert says, almost smiles and Aaron kisses him quickly before he's explaining that he doesn't ask questions when he goes down to the black market and buys illegal products. Robert thinks Aaron's probably the softest rebel he's ever met because he's got flipping _jam_ for Robert. The one Robert remembers eating from his childhood. 

Aaron stuffs his face and Robert loses his mind when he shakes a packet of coffee beans and pours it into these mugs Aaron's bought with him.

“That's *real.” Robert almost shouts, eyes wide because suddenly he's tasting something that has substance and truth and Aaron nods.

“Yep, Bob can't take this away from ya.l He says, and then he looks around the place and fishes out a stack of books. “I got these cleaned up. They're classics. I found them here a few days ago, the others were ruined but —“ Aaron blushes a little and Robert is in awe of him. “I wanted to give you something back because I — I've started reading Treasure Island again.” 

And that's a big step. It's a ginormous one and Robert reaches his hand out and Aaron kisses it gently. 

“You made it not hurt as much as it did before.” Aaron twists his hands together awkwardly until Robert smiles.

“You're so brave.” Robert blurts out. “So brave.” He mumbles and then Aaron tells him to shut up and just look at the books. 

“You did this, for me?” 

Aaron nods. “And for _us_. I just want us to be happy for once, without anything else in the way.” He says and when Robert kisses him he tastes like strawberry jam.

“You mean the world to me, you know that?” He says, and Aaron just stares at him in awe.

He didn't know. Clearly.

“Aaron —“ Robert starts, and Aaron doesn't know what to say because he is in love with Robert but he's not said anything back and it's not like he expects it but — 

“Aaron, I've never felt like this before. I didn't think it was possible for - someone like you to want —“

Aaron rolls his eyes and shakes his head a little. “You used to say that a lot. Like I was too good for you and that's bullshit Robert.” He tells him, he's so adamant. “We found each other.” He holds Robert's hand and it makes his heart flutter.

“The man in my dreams.” Robert whispers, lays next to Aaron on the rug and smiles at him as he feels the younger man begin to drift off. He's well and truly in a food coma by now.

“And _of_ , don't forget me being the man of your dreams too.” Aaron mumbles sleepily, teasing and looking adorable.

And Robert is _not_ going to ever forget that Aaron is the man _of_ his flipping dreams.  

“The man of my dreams.” Robert whispers, delicate with his touches now and something lodged in his throat because —

You always have to wake up from a dream, don't you?

 

 

::

 

Joe tells them that their initiation or whatever is in a weeks time and it puts Robert on edge. Joe tells him it's nothing to really worry about in the grand scheme of things and they're not going to meet anyone else but Robert doesn't know exactly what *will happen at all.

He has images in mind, being poked and prodded and sealing the deal by smearing some one else's blood on his hand.

“Aren't you nervous?” Robert asks Aaron one night, the moon is this fantastic circular shape and Robert stares right at it as Aaron attempts to get some sleep. They haven't even had sex because of how tired Aaron is, they keep giving him more and more work to do and Robert has to bite his tongue against it.

All he can think about is them _knowing_ , and secretly punishing Aaron by trying to slowly break him. Robert could almost cry for him but instead he has Aaron's head in his chest and he's stroking over the younger man's back in an attempt to ease the pressure of it.

Aaron raises his head a little slowly. “It'll be alright. We'll be together.” He says, enjoying the feel of Robert's hands against his back which alleviates the pain. It makes his bracelet vibrate though because he wishes his body would let him fuck the life out of Robert whilst they have the time together like this. They have hardly spoken these past few days and so Aaron makes a point of rubbing over Robert's arms in a feeble attempt to stay intimate with him.

Robert smiles for a second before his eyes flicker. “What if we're not? What if they say we have to —“

Aaron presses a hand down on Robert's chest hard and moans against the pressure. “We don't leave each other behind.” He whispers, “Not us.” And Robert's never seen him look so serious before.

Robert knows that, was hoping that Aaron felt exactly the same. “They can't break us if we don't allow them to break us right?” He says slowly, and Aaron nods at him. “We're different, we know *everything about each other.” He says, and his eyes form little hearts as Aaron pales under it.

“Yeah.” Aaron bends his head down and tries to block out what Robert is saying.

“I just hope we don't have to meet _him_.” Robert says, “He scares the shit out of me.” He whispers.

“Who?” Aaron _has_ to ask, only he already knows _who_. Cain Dingle. Robert blurts it out. “Oh.” He says and Aaron doesn't say anything else.

“He went around _killing_ people.” Robert remembers it all suddenly and he's written enough flipping articles about it all. 

“Yeah.” Aaron winces under the pressure and then sighs. “Can we not speak about it anymore.” He whispers, heart thumping so suddenly and Robert notices so he stops himself. 

“It doesn't matter though does it? Because we trust each other.” Robert whispers, eyes soft as he lifts Aaron's face up and looks into his blue eyes. “Don't we?”

Aaron just looks at him, and he loves him, he loves him so much but he's also a liar. “Yeah.” He says, almost has tears in his eyes as Robert smiles and kisses him. Aaron kisses him back, eyes wide open and a smile on his face as well for the briefest of seconds until Robert deepens it all and his back can't take it.

“Sorry.” Robert whispers, collects the two pillows and places them on top of each other for Aaron to lay back on. “Lay back and think of England.” He smirks, tugs at Aaron's jeans and everything feels right. 

 

::

 

There's something wrong with all the computers in the building and Robert thinks about Finn when he watches all these geeks walk in with their glasses and cardigans. 

It makes something ache in the pit of his stomach because it's still not fair and no body mentions anything at all. Robert watches Comrade Spencer flicking through a newspaper from across the room and Comrade King is just staring at his thumbs and this is exactly what everyone should aspire to. It's pretty pathetic really.

Robert wonders what would be said if he bought out a book to read but then he doesn't have to because he's getting called into Joe's office. 

He slips him a note with a small address on it. “Meet exactly here at six o'clock three days from now.” He says, keeps his head down as he speaks. “Relay the message onto Aaron as well for me. I'm sure he won't need to know much about what will happen.” He says it and suddenly something rises in Robert's stomach and he's perplexed by how causal Joe is being.

“I'm sorry, what?” Robert already has his back up and he's not even embarrassed, he's just confused. 

“Aaron. Being who he is. He'll make sure you two don't get pushed around for being newbies.” And he needs to stop being so cryptic because Robert is feeling his whole heart jump and down in his chest and it won't stop. Joe almost realises and frowns at him. “Aaron. Dingle?” 

Robert can't breathe for a second. “Livesy. His — his dad —“

“ _Yeah_ his dad was a monster so he changed his name.” Joe just frowns at him a little. “Only when Cain started to become more *extreme, he changed it back.” Joe isn't smirking anymore, he genuinely looks like he's sorry for having to be the one to tell Robert. “Cain's his uncle.”

And everything stiffens inside of Robert because clearly, so clearly Aaron hasn't told him that. They've spent hours and hours which could fill whole days just laying naked next to each other talking and yet Aaron's failed to tell him that his uncle is Cain Dingle. It suddenly explains how rebellious he is, his connections, his ability to be so aggressively protective. It explains so much that Robert feels like he's going to faint.

He never wanted _this_ , to be thrust into a life of hard core rebellion and plots to blow up places and sent to prison, _killed_ for it. Aaron knew _all_ of this, he knew and yet he still chased him.

He caught him hook line and sinker and now there's nothing either of them can do about how they feel.

“I take it ... you hadn't a clue?”

Robert keeps his head down, everything pressing into his chest like it's telling him that this happens to change everything suddenly. “No. I didn't.” 

 

::

 

Robert splashes cold water over his face with gusto, feels it all dripping down his arm and making his hands shake a little. He can’t control it, he tries but _fails_ time and time again and then suddenly he hears someone come through the door.

He tries to get his act together but then he feels a hand on his shoulder and it's Aaron, he can see him through the mirror and he looks so different suddenly in Robert's eyes. He's still fucking breathtakingly beautiful, has a natural softness about him that the State tries to stamp out. But Robert can see something *different.

“Hey.” Aaron says softly and then presses down on Robert's shoulder. "You seem tense." He keeps moving his hand up and down but Robert just sighs.

“Get off.” He says, eyes hard as he looks towards the sink and tries to steady his breathing.

Aaron's face falls a little and he tries to smile. “It's me.” He whispers, so faint, almost not there at all and it makes something bubble in Robert's stomach.

“I know who it is.” Robert says, head still down and not attempting to move before suddenly he turns and looks at Aaron straight in the eyes. “Or do I?” 

Aaron frowns at him suddenly, lets out a nervous smile. “Of course you do.”

Robert shudders a little, “Shouldn't I ask your uncle? Just to be sure.” He hisses and Aaron's face falls again, this time he's pale and he can’t breathe against the shock and anger written all over Robert's face. “You've been lying to me all along.”

Only Aaron can't have Robert think that, that's why he walks towards him and presses a hand around Robert's waist. “No. No I haven't.” He promises gently. “I didn't want to tell you —“

Robert's face turns bright red. “'Cause it would ruin your plans.” He says, and there's water in his eyes now because he didn't want _this_ to be tainted in this way. Aaron was the one good thing in his flipping life and it's not fucking real. “You had to make — make me feel the way I do and — and be petrified by it and then what? Recruit me in the end?”

Aaron's mouth hangs open as Robert shoves away his hand and turns towards the sink. “I — Robert, please don't think that. I didn't want you to be mixed up in him and as soon as I found out how you felt I —“ 

“You persuaded me to join. You basically *said that it would be a good idea, worth it even.” His chin wobbles. “And I believed ya, I did.” Robert blinks slowly, “I thought I meant something to ya.”

And Aaron can't let this happen, can't _believe_ it is happening and he just shakes his head suddenly. “You do.” He attempts to put a hand on Robert's chest but decides not to. “Robert, I'm fucking in love with ya.” He says, and his bracelet vibrates painfully. “I couldn't keep away and — I didn't want to get involved with all of _that_ but when I thought that Joe — had taken you — I just wanted you to be okay. I want us to be safe. They can help us be safe Rob.”

Robert just stares at him and frowns. “Are you crazy?” He says. “Your uncle goes around killing people, he's _hated_ Aaron. I thought he was — is he not dead then?” 

Aaron slowly shakes his head. “In hiding.”

He doesn't speak to him anymore, no one does but of course he knows how he's doing and what he's planning and it shouldn't be involved in _this_. 

Robert scoffs a little. “This just gets better and better this.” He says sarcastically, holds his chest a little and then looks at Aaron. “You just wanted me to help didn't you?” He whispers, eyes watering again. “Needed a boring lonely office boy and I made the fit.” It hurts everywhere suddenly because it's always always been true and this insecurity was going to be released soon enough. 

Aaron cringes against how much he knows that Robert believes so little of himself. “Stop saying all of this. Me being a Dingle doesn't have to change anything.” He says, almost shouts and then holds back his anger.

Robert cannot think passed it though, can he? “Are you kidding?” He whispers. “I can't — I can't do this right now.” He gulps hard suddenly. “ I can't do this, I can't —“

Aaron's eyes widen. “No, no please don't —“ he almost feels his heart breaking as Robert just shakes his head at him.

“I _never_ wanted to be part of a — a revolt or _anything_ like that. I just wanted someone to look at me like the way you did.” Robert fumbles over his words and Aaron wants to hug him, hold him tight but he can't because there is so much between them. “You know how I felt. You know I didn't want to do anything like that — and you didn't _tell_ —“

“We don't have to join.” Aaron blurts out. “Okay? I'll do that. We can just go back to being —“

“Being what Aaron?” Robert is suddenly cruel. “Wake up. We can't be happy can we? Not when you're — you're a _Dingle_. I don't want you to be ashamed, okay. Cain's — he's brave in his own way but I can't do it at all. I can't be here.” Robert feels everything rise up in his chest.

Aaron gulps, a tear races down his face and he shudders. “I was going to tell you.” He whispers, almost pathetically. “I was.” He says, only Robert just shakes his head.

“It's too late now. It was always going to come to this at some point and I just can't take it this far.” Robert knows what he's saying makes sense but he just wants to forget everything and hug Aaron. “You lied — didn't tell me who you really were and — I don't trust ya anymore. It's over Aaron. It has to be.”

And Aaron, he understands that. It's wrong and horrible to think but for Robert it's *true and that aches everywhere.

It carries on aching as Robert leaves, doesn't *trust him anymore and what they had is absolutely gone. It makes Robert uncharacteristically punch a wall on the way out and almost sob like a baby until he feels a camera turning towards him and he tries his hardest to act like his heart hasn't just been stamped on.

 

::

 

It's like something keeps collapsing in Robert's chest and won't stop. It tells him that Aaron has to be erased and that only makes everything ache that little bit more because all he wants is to hold him again.

But then Aaron's a liar. He's a liar who could be keeping a million more things to himself and that makes Robert feel so vulnerable that it aches him everywhere. It pulsates through him as his thinks about Aaron now, he's in his own bed and it's been two whole days since it all happened.

The bed is hard and uncomfortable and he's almost forgotten how it feels to be alive. It creeps up on him and launches at his thoughts when he's alone, attacks, pounces and he's left breathless against his need for comfort.

But he knows that Aaron and him are *done. They have to be.

He's just waiting for Aaron to leave his dreams now.

 

::

 

He sees Aaron the next day because he has to. Everyone is piled into the room together and Cain's face appears on the screen and it makes Robert feel sick.

He almost cannot help but look at Aaron through the crowd, he's wearing a black jumper and has his head down whilst the murmurings began to start becoming louder. Robert cannot help but wonder if he hates him, if Aaron is ashamed of his behaviour or if he is proud. 

Eventually Aaron joins in with everyone else and whilst Robert is doing the same, the younger man manages to steal a look. He almost smiles at Robert, becomes mesmerised again and he misses him so much that it absolutely aches.

He wants to kiss him, hold him close, just *wants him. Aaron tries to stay away though, he wants Robert to be happy without him and his connections to this notorious family. Robert doesn't deserve to be pulled into that at all.

It doesn't stop him from cornering him in the toilets hours later though. Robert is washing his hands by the sink and the cameras have their wires loose. He looks like he's in his own world and Aaron doesn't know what to say until he does.

“How are ya?” Aaron trips on his words and Robert whizzes round to look at him. He doesn't want to have to do this, he can't *bare this actually.

“Aaron, let's just stay out of —“

“I can't.” Aaron panics and he’s never been in this situation before where everything just hurts. “Robert, I love you.” He whispers, eyes watering. “I just want to put this behind us.”

Only he really doesn't get it. Robert just frowns at him harshly. “You don't get it.” He says. “You don't get it Aaron. You lied to me. I've never lied to you and now everything is too much.”

Aaron shudders. “I know.” He whispers. “It always has been though, me and you. Look.” He looks down at how his bracelet is vibrating. “Please just —“

Aaron leans in, and Robert could kiss him like this but something stops him and he's backing towards the wall.

“I have to go.” Robert says suddenly and Aaron hates watching him leave. 

 

::

 

Another two whole days go passed and it's almost unbearable to be away from him. It's why he ends up in the old library, amongst what only a few days ago was a romantic setting for the pair of them. 

Now he can't help but think about the fact that everything was tainted with lies. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Cain's face and a rope for him to be use to hang himself and his flipping father being so against it that everything hurts. It bubbles through him, seeps into his skin and *soaks up everything good about Aaron like his brain is telling him to just *forget.

Robert looks around the abandoned place and finds a small alcove filled with the alcohol Aaron bought last time. There's gin and a bottle of something black and Robert snatches up the gin just to feel something because he's been feeling so numb lately.

And Adam didn't help.

He'd come over to have a chat with him about Aaron and everything felt so serious as they spoke.

“He's messed up by not telling you, but he says he loves ya and I believe him.” Adam had said, a frown on his face. “He's been mopping about so much since you ended it. I've never seen him like this.”

It's all Robert can think about as he moves over towards the window and sits on the knackered window seat which is barely being held up. He sighs against the burning in his chest from the alcohol and then suddenly he hears someone crashing about only a few metres away. 

Everything stills in his mind and then he watches Aaron suddenly come within view. He's got his hands in his pockets and a frown on his face and looks utterly confused by Robert's presence because he is.

“What are you doing here?” Aaron asks, something almost rising in his chest as he sees how distraught Robert look. His hair is flat against his head and he's hugging his knees close to him so tightly that the bottle in his hand threatens to slip. 

“Could ask — ask you the _same_ question.” Robert says as he looks out of the window and up towards the moon.

Aaron just comes towards and his heart beats a little faster because of it. “Are you drunk?” He asks suddenly, tuts as he sees the branded bottle and takes it from Robert. “You hadn't had proper alcohol in ages you idiot, this is going to mess you up if you have too much.” He can't help the way a hand falls onto Robert's knee and a spark forms between them. It makes Robert hitch his breath a little because all he can see are a pair of blue eyes.

“You already messed — me up.” Robert slurs, “With your *lying.” He hisses and Aaron shuts his eyes against the words.

“I just wanted to protect us. I thought if you knew then you'd run away.” Aaron's never looked so vulnerable before in his whole life and it's like there's no fight left in him anymore as he gazes up at Robert. “I loved you too much for that to happen any time soon okay?” 

Silence stretches out between them and Robert holds his breath. “Loved?” He whispers gently.

Only Aaron grips his hand. “You know how I feel about you, _still_ feel about you.” He gently strokes over Robert's knuckles. “But — if you don't feel the same then —“

“Of course I do.” Robert can't hesitate. “I just — I'm scared of saying it.”’He admits, feels everything he feels pour out of him under this drunken haze. He feels Aaron's hand in his and then stares down at it. “But I feel the same.”

Aaron has tears in his eyes and then sighs. "And then I fucked it up by lying to ya." Because it's clear that Aaron had to work hard on Robert actually trusting him, and he did, Robert actually _did_ and Aaron can't help but hate himself for how it's all turned out. “Rob. I made a mistake.” He says but Robert just keeps his head down. “Haven't you ever lied before?” And he's panicking now because Robert tries to get up and leave.  “Robert, please —“

Only Robert tries to push him away and ends up smashing the bottle against the floor and wincing in pain as the shards spike at his skin.

“Ah *shit.” Robert hisses, and he's bleeding. He doesn't like blood but Aaron seems to be all over it and moves him back towards the window ledge. 

“Calm down okay?” Aaron holds at Robert's face and shudders. “Let me get something —“

“Bad with blood.” Robert slurs out, holds at his hand as he sees more blood seeping out and it only makes Aaron run around the place trying to find something to help it. 

There's about a million different rooms and Aaron's heart thuds as he searches for a bathroom or anything close to one. He finds a massive room with nothing but a sink and a bath and it's enough.

“Rob, come on.” Aaron runs back into the room and presses a hand against Robert's shoulder as the older man flops about in pain against him. “Hey, it's okay.” He whispers.

Robert's heart thuds almost violently in his chest as he pulls his hand under the sink and feels more and more of the colour red everywhere. “I don't feel well Aaron.” He says heavily, rests a hand against the younger man's chest and then suddenly feels himself collapse.

 

::

 

He feels water all around him as soon as he opens his eyes, it rises up towards his mouth and he suddenly has to sit up. It makes Aaron jump as he stares at him and then he breathes out this much needed sigh of relief. 

“Thought this would work.” Aaron whispers and Robert realises that he's in a bath big enough for about four people. They don't make ones like this anymore. 

Robert frowns a little and feels his head turn woozy again but Aaron holds his shoulder firmly. “Hey, hey look at me.” Aaron whispers, “Just spent the past twenty minutes trying to wake you up.” He says and he tries to sound like he's joking but he's clearly petrified and Robert just stares at him in awe.

“Twenty minutes?” Robert whispers, only remembers crashing to the ground and the sound of Aaron shouting but that only feels like a few seconds ago.

And Aaron drops his head, he's thrown cold water over Robert and shook him until all he could think about was submerging him in water because that works sometimes doesn't it? “You have a real habit of scaring the shit out of me Robert Sugden.” He clears his throat and his eyes water.

“I'm sorry.” Robert says, clearly overwhelmed with exactly how much has happened and this feeling of wanting everything to be okay. 

Aaron looks up. “It's fine.” He says, only Robert can imagine him hurling his body into the bath after stripping him and trying to keep his hand from bleeding again. There's glass on the floor and it serves as a reminder of how much of a mess Robert is without Aaron around. “I should go then.” He says, despite the fact that he wants to stay. “Watch the glass okay?”

“Don't go.” Robert mumbles gently, “You idiot. Stay here please.” He says, and everything rises in his chest. 

Aaron's mouth hangs open and he silently comes back towards the bath, kneels a little and combs through Robert's hair. “I'm so sorry for lying to you.” He says again, crying now and Robert shudders. “I'm sorry.” He says. “I didn't —“

Robert closes his eyes for a second and he thinks about how terrified Aaron was for him. He couldn't fake that. Cain couldn't destroy that and Robert is _sick_ of things he loves being destroyed right in front of his eyes. 

He shudders a little as he opens his eyes again and Aaron is still saying sorry, it makes his heart ache suddenly. 

“Don't apologise to me again.” Robert says, looks down at Aaron's lips and Aaron looks at him like he can't believe any of this. Robert gulps hard, pulls Aaron down by the shirt and kisses him gently. It makes something sing in his chest and he's missed this. He's missed all of this.

It's why he starts to cry, tears streaming down his face and a hand on the back of Aaron's head slowly as he pulls him closer and closer and then almost collapses towards him.

“Easy.” Aaron whispers, a slight chuckle in his voice that threatens to turn serious and Robert pales again under the weight of how heavy everything feels. “Come on. Let me help ya.” He whispers, hands gentle and soft as he holds Robert's head up and pours water over the older man's back.

And Robert feels like he's almost found home again.

 

::

 

Aaron's ended up in the bath and Robert has colour back in his face now so he can stare at Aaron and admire how beautiful he is.

Yeah. 

 _Beautiful_.

The bath is still warm somehow and it tingles through Robert as he holds his hand out for Aaron to take. Aaron does, of course he does and it makes everything become warm in Robert's chest because they are _soft_.

“Do you ever think about the future?” Robert whispers, has no concept of time whilst they sit here naked and just _look_ at each other.

Aaron leans over the bath a little and shrugs through the way his arms are neatly crossed over. “Not really.” He admits because everything seems dark when he does that. He only sees the colour black. “When I was younger ... it used to scare me so much more. Thinking about if things would always be so _bad_.” He almost feels his skin prickle as he speaks but Robert sends a ripple through the water with his finger and Aaron is caught by him in this beautiful way. 

“I think about it.” Robert says. “It scares me, being alone.” He's never said all of this before but now he can't help it. “These past few days just made it even _harder_ to realise.” He says, and he means that he's in love with Aaron. Truly madly and deeply and all that ridiculousness. And he's still too scared to say it out loud but Aaron just nods his head slowly.

“You're not _alone_.” Aaron reminds him, “I'm here.” He says. “And the whole ... you know, _Cain_ —“ he starts and Robert just looks down. “He's not my family. He never was really, he was always just mysterious and when it all happened with my — with Gordon he was there to sort it out.” He shrugs a little because he wants to get all of this out now. “Then he left again when I moved in with my mum and when she disappeared with my sister — he wasn't around anymore.” 

Aaron has tears in his eyes and then splashes his face with the water as Robert looks at him. 

“He's not my family Robert. Not the way it counts. He's not _there_ for me like any old uncle, not when he's out being absolutely hated by everyone and plotting the State's downfall.” Aaron sighs hard and it feels strange to be able to talk about how lonely it has felt for so long.  

“You're mine.” Robert whispers and Aaron frowns at him a little. “You're my family.” He says and it's plain and simple isn't it? The whole idea of a Family is not what this is because they don't worship and adore the State but — 

Aaron and him love each other in this uncomplicated way.

Aaron is stunned by the softness of it all and half smiles. “And we convinced ourselves it was just sex.” He says, and that feels like a distant memory.

“I knew you didn't just want me for my body.” Robert says, laughs a little as Aaron arches an eyebrow and then they're kissing.

Aaron pulls away though, “I want to stay like this forever.” He says, eyes sparkling and Robert feels exactly the same. 

 

::

 

Ross has been gone for a while now and his number card has completely disappeared from the factory workers register. 

It's a startling sight to see really and Robert is shocked by the fact that nobody seems to actually care. He's in his own head by the time Aaron comes and sits next to him with a softness about him that instantly hardens. 

“You're in your head again.” Aaron says, sits down slowly and Robert looks at him. He's got his overalls on and he smells of oil and grease and Robert knows that he's hiding his monsters so much better than he is.

“Ross.” Robert says. “Finn.” He whispers, “Can't help but wonder who else will disappear.” It makes something stick in his throat and he thinks about the fact that if Aaron left him then he wouldn't even be able to mourn properly. 

“Don't think about it.” Aaron mumbles, his eyes search over Robert's face for too long and hen he pulls away and looks towards the floor. “If it was up to me, nothing like would happen.” He whispers and then he stops himself. “That's not me saying we should —“

Robert hasn't made peace with the whole HDL thing yet and it burns in his chest a little as he hears Aaron alluding to it. He gulps hard suddenly and sighs. 

“What about if I said we should?” He says gently, a seriousness about him that Aaron can't help but latch onto. He practically clings to it.

“You serious?” Aaron keeps his head down and swirls through what looks like pasta. “I wasn't trying to pressurise you into anything.”

Robert gently presses a foot against Aaron's and his bracelet tingles against his skin because of it. “I know.” He says. “I just — I want to make a difference.” He whispers. “I never wanted to before, had nothing to —“

“Fight for?” Aaron understands completely and it makes butterfly grow over and over again in his chest as Robert dares to look straight into his eyes.

“Yeah.” Robert admits. “And now I do.” He says.

Aaron smiles a little. “Same here.” He says and it's all soft until Adam plonks himself down next to them and flops himself about.

He has his head firmly down as he grins. “You two sorted then?” Adam says, voice clearly excited as he speaks and Robert sighs.

“Why do you —“

“You seem like you take care of each other.” Adam says and Robert nods his head at that before the siren goes and he's leaving Aaron to deal with Adam's nonsense. 

 

::

 

It's not like they've actually sorted things out in terms of how to approach the HDL situation but Robert finds himself knocking on Joe's office day only a few hours later. 

Apparently he's sorted it out and that's why him and Aaron are standing outside a door now, in the dead of night. Joe told Robert to meet him here at his apartment days ago and he was fine with it until *now. 

Just standing here with Aaron beside him and their hands daring to grip hold of each other. 

“We've got this.” Robert whispers, eyes soft and then they harden a little as he tries to be serious and Aaron soaks it all up and nods against him.

The door opens, and Joe gestures for them to enter. The place is *lavish to say the very least and there's this certain air about it which makes Robert and Aaron almost feel so inferior that it's painful. Aaron's first to look around and realise how much shouldn't be here. He's got the picture of Lawrence White on the wall but apart from that, he's hardly living an aesthetic lifestyle with richly covered quilts and silks and a massive gold mirror. 

“Wow.” Aaron slips out, moving his head around the room in absolute awe and Robert has his mouth hanging open a little too. 

Joe laughs all of a sudden and it's filled with a smugness that he's clearly unable to let go of and then he's offering them *whiskey and Aaron only has to give Robert a look before he's declining. Clearly alcohol doesn't sit very well with Robert when he drinks it in copious amounts, he's not risking drinking a sip more. Aaron has a small one though, sips away at it and winces against its intensity.

“I thought you two —“

Aaron clears his throat, acts as the bodyguard again and looks at Joe. “Well after _you_ told him about Cain —“

Joe waves his hand up. “I presumed he knew.” He says innocently. “I didn't mean to cause any issues.” Only Robert puts his head down slowly and Joe sighs. “Ah. I see.” He says. “Well, I'm sorry about that.”

Aaron keeps staring at him, hard and defiant and then he nods. “Well we sorted it out.” He says. “We've both got too much to lose, we can't just do *nothing.”

Joe nods his head and then walks towards a large desk, sits down and then pulls out a pamphlet. Robert can't help but still stare around the room and then he's startled to see the cameras almost hanging loose and tilted down.

“How did you manage that?” Robert hisses, points to the cameras and Joe shrugs.

“When you're so high up, they just assume you're following orders. They give you some sort of privacy.” Joe explains and Robert wants to know that freedom. He wants it so badly. Not just for him now, but for Aaron. He wants to be able to walk down the street and hold him close and perhaps kiss him in a park with trees and flowers and ' sweet air. It's all he wants. 

“Right. I've got to go through some questions with both of you.”

Robert clears his throat and moves closer to Aaron, both of them hovering over a leathered seat. “Okay.” He says, looks up at Aaron who is still sipping the whiskey.

“So, are both of you prepared to commit criminal offences for HDL and thus the destruction of the State?” 

Aaron blinks and Robert nods and —

“Yes.”

“Are both of you prepared to face danger and possible imprisonment and capture for HDL and thus the destruction of the State?”

Robert thinks of his father suddenly and his shame and it makes him hesitate as Aaron readily agrees.

“Rob?” Aaron has a hand on his shoulder, beautiful and soft as he looks right int Robert's eyes and it makes the older man nod out his agreement because Aaron's worth it, he's worth anything.

It carries on that way, prepared to bomb factories and turn off cameras and work for propaganda agencies underground and they find themselves agreeing to absolutely anything. 

Until.

“Are you both prepared to be separated, possibly never seeing each other again for HDL and thus the destruction of the State.” 

Aaron's eyes widen and Robert gasps and —

“No.”

They both say it at the same time, and suddenly being separated from each other is so much worse than bombing places and killing people and being sentenced to years in the Ministry of Love. That's a terrifying thought but so true and it brings tears to Aaron's eyes it seems as Robert battles through it all silently.

Aaron gulps down the remainder of the whiskey and shakes his head again. “Me and — we don't *separate. It could kill us I reckon.” And he's blabbing on until he holds up his bracelet and Robert just stares at Joe's reaction. “Ours vibrate when we're around each other.” He explains and Joe frowns.

“Well they seem pretty normal to —“

Robert suddenly grabs at Aaron's shirt and presses his mouth *hard against Aaron's. It's all teeth for a second and then Aaron relaxes under the thought of kissing in front of someone and marvels at Robert's confidence and that's when everything deepens and their bracelets start to lose their minds. Aaron pulls away a little shyly and Joe just stares between them. 

“Right.” Joe says, “So what does that make you?” He wonders. “I'd say soul mates but —“

“That's all fairy shit.” Aaron scrunches his nose up awkwardly but Robert's heart flutters a little.

“True.” Joe reasons and then slides over the pamphlet. “Read this. Mainly you Robert because I have a feeling it's going to bore the life out of Aaron.” He says and that makes Robert smile a little. “I'll make sure to get in contact with you when we're next meeting.”

 

::

 

It's late by the time they try to get into the room upstairs, Robert hides in an alley way whilst Aaron tries to get in but apparently they can't.

“Pollard's clearly not in. I don't have the key. Sorry.” Aaron says, clearly gutted because he's had *one drink yet it's made him all _fuzzy_. 

“Old library.” Robert kisses Aaron's neck deeply and then pulls away, leads the way until Aaron's being pushed against the wall and the curtains are drawn and Robert's on his knees.

After, they're oddly knackered in a way they usually aren't and Robert has to stroke over Aaron's chest to relieve him. 

“Does this mean I'm getting better at sex?” Robert asks, a smirk on his face as Aaron looks at him.

Aaron rolls his eyes and then is almost drawn into the look on Robert's face, finds himself nodding without looking away. Then he kisses him, moves a hand across to Robert's waist. “You're fuckin' amazing.” He says and *that's the whiskey. "And sexy, fucking *hot." He kisses Robert again and Robert catches his breath as it happens. And then Aaron's too tired to do anything else so he's a tease that leaves Robert wanting more.

Robert settles for this though, strokes over Aaron's hair and then combs through the curls. “I reckon they told us that it was all fairy shit just to stop people thinking that they could have _connections_ with people you know?” 

Aaron's practically snoring but blinks his eyes open. “Hmm?” He mumbles, face pressed close to Robert's chest.

“I think we're soul mates or something like that Aaron. I really do.” Robert whispers. “Promise me you'll think about maybe thinking the same one day.”

Only Aaron kisses at Robert's nipple softly and sighs. “I already do. I was just too cool to say it in front of Tate.”

And —

He already does think they're soul mates then.

 

::

 

The peace of everything between them seems to last for another whole week. They have no interruptions from Tate or the HDL and everything between them seems to be soft.

Aaron has dreams though, nightmares more frequently and it's almost like he's preempting this awful doom which will snap them up soon and lead to all sorts of misery.

He thrashes around in the bed almost every night and shakes as he clings out for Robert to hold him tight.

“I don't — don't want you to leave me.” Aaron says, always says, delirious and with tears streaming down his face and a hold tight against Robert's old shirt. 

“I won't.” Robert stresses, “Remember I said that we won't do that. We won't leave each other.” He whispers, a hand on Aaron's forehead as he checks his temperature. “Another bad dream?" He whispers, eyes flickering as he looks at how high the moon is and knows that they've got hours until Robert has to sneak away and move back into his room. 

Aaron nods vigorously. “Gordon was _him_ , he was — Lawrence and they tried to take ya but I love ya too much for them to take ya Rob.l He's still shaking and Robert is blown away by how it makes him start to cry.

“I know, I know.”

Eventually Aaron always calms down, and everything settles in his chest as Robert strokes his hair gently. 

“You know, you know I —“

Aaron shudders, he knows exactly how Robert feels after all this time. Sometimes there's just absolutely no way Robert can even attempt to hide it really. "I know." He says, this snotty mess that Robert supposedly love for some ridiculous reason. 

“Never thought that I would. Never thought anyone would — would care enough about me to —“ Robert has tears in his eyes, they stream down his face and Aaron stops them with his finger before he kisses Robert.

“I didn't know what love was until you.” Aaron whispers, “Had _no_ idea that it was possible, that's why I'd — go around just taking and taking from people who were like me.” He remembers all the nights on his knees, the *silence and then the grunting and panting and the returning of favours and — 

Then he was with Robert and it felt like so much more. 

“And then you.” Aaron's chin wobbles. “Robert I'm petrified of losing ya eventually. And I will. I will because nothing good ever lasts does it?” 

His mum and his sister were his everything once and even they disappeared. Robert drops his head and _knows_. He knows exactly what he means. 

“Don't speak like that.” Robert chastises him, because Aaron's the one who tells Robert to get a grip usually. “We'll be okay in the end.”

He doesn't know that, can't _possibly_ know that but Aaron just settles on his chest again.

“In the end.” He whispers, tries to forget about the fact that any day now they may be called to set a ministry on fire or bomb London Bridge.

 

::

 

Aaron's in his next dream. 

This one involves his worst fear coming to life in front of his very eyes. Fire. Smoke. It's building up and up and up and then he hears someone *yell out for him and it's Aaron.

Only the flames turn crimson and everything is too fast as Aaron struggles to get out and then everything is quiet and Robert is alone.

He keeps having the dream, it's persistent in an almost relentless way and it's too overwhelming for Robert to think about as he sits up in his bed and looks at his bracelet firm against his skin. It's left this raw redness that he'll have to disguise if he wants to make it through the door.

Robert shudders and runs a hand through his hair, for a second he closes his eyes and all he sees is flames.

 

::

 

Aaron's slumped off him with a gentle ease and kisses at Robert's shoulder lovingly. They've waited for this moment for over a week now and it ripples through them as they stare at each other, spent and happy. 

“That was quite a welcome.” Robert whispers, strokes a hand across Aaron's face and smiles as the younger man gazes all shyly. He couldn't keep his hands off Robert as he came through the door and he doubts he ever will be able to.

“It was, wasn't it?” Aaron teases, pulls at the quilt so that it covers them both better and then he sighs. “Just wanted to make you know I still want you. Like that.” He's already blushing because he doesn't fucking do feelings but he will for Robert. “You know, because I've been a little —“

“Upset?” Robert offers, only Aaron pulls a face at that and then bites his lip.

“I was going to say, deranged.” Aaron is so hard on himself sometimes that it makes Robert want to cry. He tuts at the judgement he's given himself and then strokes through his hair.

“You've been in your own head, scared _yeah_ but that's understandable you idiot.” Robert frowns a little and then moves closer towards Aaron to press his waist against his. It makes Aaron tingle a little and then he gazes at Robert.

“I just don't want this to end, that's all.” He's got water in his eyes now, and if he blinks too quickly they'll fall and keep on falling and Robert will be crying too. “I don't — don't want the *one good thing in my life to disappear.” That makes his heart drop suddenly, and then Aaron's having to press his hands against his eyes hard to stop anymore tears from falling. 

Robert watches, somewhat in awe of Aaron's love for him and yet petrified at the same time. There's only so many times Robert can sit himself down and fully understand that Aaron has never loved someone like this before. He's never _known_ how to love properly because of that _thing_ who did what he did to him. Yet Robert's been able to stumble about and not even _say_ the words out loud, but show him love in a way that makes Aaron never want to leave him ever again.

It's sort of the thing that Robert is most proud of in the world really, when it comes to his awkward and non-existent achievements.

Robert presses a kiss to Aaron's forehead. “I'm not disappearing.” He whispers, strokes over Aaron's arm and then pulls his grey shirt up a little as he holds them together even closer. “So stop saying that.” He says, and he knows that Aaron's petrified now. Before, _Robert_ was the scared one and Aaron used to calm him down because not a lot between them meant much but now Aaron's fully aware of how real this all is and that's why he's shaking in Robert's arms most nights.

“I need a cigarette.” Aaron pulls away, fumbles about in his coat pocket and then apologises in advance to Robert for the smoke that will be produced. He offers to move over the window but Robert can put up with it.

“Tell me something good.” Robert whispers, ten minutes later and now that Aaron's safely back in his arms and has tried his best to get rid of the smell of smoke on him. 

Aaron frowns a little. “About what?” He mumbles back, finds a bravery in the way Robert is holding him so tightly. 

“Anything. The future. What you want." Robert says, tingles as he looks at the way Aaron almost smiles shyly at him.

“A dog.” He says and Robert wasn't expecting that but okay. “You never see any dogs anymore and it's ridiculous. Where are they all _kept_?” Aaron's clearly been holding this in for some time and it's bloody hilarious to see him so irate about the creatures. 

“No idea.l Robert entertains him with his eyes partly closed and then Aaron says something _else_.

“I want kids as well.” And Robert's eyes nearly pop out of his head.

“I reckon that's not possible Aaron, considering you don't enjoy —“

Aaron waves a hand out though, looks towards the window as he speaks because he doesn't want to _freak_ Robert out about it or anything. “Adopt. They used to do that before all the orphans were just taken to the State and raised up that way.” He smiles faintly. “A dog and some kids and —“

“I suppose a husband as well.” Robert can't help but say it and suddenly all this heat rises up inside him and Aaron would finally be wearing a suit. God willing. 

Aaron can't even look at Robert now, he's gone all shy and red and it makes him that more endearing. “Hmm?” Robert teases. “Come on, come on you want to _marry_ me do you?” He says, only Aaron suddenly looks up at him with his mouth half open. 

“That you asking?” Aaron whispers, cheeks red and eyes flickering and Robert just gazes at him for a second before he's kissing Aaron breathlessly and pulling them back down on the bed.

“We can do what we like soon.” Robert says, so fantastically optimistic now and it makes Aaron almost grin. “For now though, we are the dead in their eyes.”

It makes something drop in Aaron's stomach but he grips hold of Robert's hand and sighs. “We are the dead.”

“You are the dead.”

It ripples through the room, petrifying and sharp and able to make Aaron wince because it's come from the *walls? 

“Keep your hands over your head. I repeat, keep your hands over your head.”

The voice is still going, cool and calm now and Aaron's eyes widen as he grips onto Robert's shirt.

“ _No_.” Aaron's suddenly saying. “No, not like this.” He can * _hear_ his heart thumping in his ears and there's nothing he can do about it as Robert holds his face.

“Just — just do what they say Aaron.” Robert says, all this panic building up inside him as he feels the ground begin to _shake_. 

“They're coming. They're coming.” Aaron's an absolute wreck, and Robert has never actually seen him in such a state and he's witnessed a fair few but _this_ —

They're suddenly pulling clothes on, being ordered to and they fumble in the wrong pants and trousers whilst the voice screeches down. 

Robert grips hold Aaron's shoulders and gulps hard as they try to calm down. Suddenly there's just no time to reassure and be strong, only time for honesty. “Aaron, you meant everything to me.” He whispers, eyes wet now and Aaron just keeps shaking his head because they were talking about their _future_ only minutes ago but now, it's all ruined isn't it?

It's _gone_.

The door suddenly is burst open and five LW's storm the place and begin knocking down lamp shades and over turning cabinets. A man is with them as well, tall and mean looking with beady narrow eyes and Robert almost sees his father's disgust as he stares down at them in bed together.

“Get. Up.” The man hisses, only Aaron just stares at Robert and it takes a guard hitting Robert over the head with something to actually make him move.

Robert feels something begin to drip down his face and suddenly recognises his own blood as he falls towards the ground and hears Aaron calling his name.

“Don't fucking _touch_ him or —“ Aaron tries to lunge forward, make a grab for Robert and see if he's okay but a guard decides to thump him hard with something in the stomach and he winces out this painful cry before stubbornly giving in and falling towards the ground himself. 

“Let's not be silly now boys.” The man says cooly, looks down at both of them and Robert stares right at Aaron who's still shouting and screaming for them to leave them alone. He has all this *fight inside of him and it's almost magical considering everything has been _lost_. 

This room was never theirs. Their dreams were never theirs either. 

“Rob.” Aaron's hand pulls right across the floor and tries to stretch out for Robert's. “Rob, I —“

Robert tries to reach his hand out over the wooden floorboards and then suddenly winces out in pain as one of the guards steps on his hand and Aaron starts crying.

“Oh God, *Rob —“

He feels himself falling, feels everything die away and yet he can't give it up like this. He can't do it.

“Robert, look — look at me — I _love_ —“ That's when a guard lunges down and has this ability to pick Aaron up with the help of another pair of guards. He's dragging him away and Robert finally _breaks_ because he'll be alone. He'll be alone without Aaron and that's the worst thing possible in this whole —

“ _No_.” Robert has tears in his eyes, steaming down his face now and he tries to tackle against one of the guards as Aaron looks back at him and still struggles to get through the door. “Aaron —“ Robert shudders as his head turns light and suddenly everything is merging into one over and over again. He sees a love lost, he sees bright eyes leave his mind and all the stars around him die out and he can only think of one exact thing as he watches Aaron leave. “I love you Aaron!”

And he's only able to see the look on Aaron's face as he goes, there's a ghost of a painfully sad smile there and then everything turns black.

 

::

 

He only wakes because of the splash of cold water tossed over his face with little care. He feels the bucket fall towards the ground next to him, narrowly missing his face and adding to the litter of bruises he has.

Everything is thickly dark and Robert cannot even begin to wonder where exactly it is. All he knows is that it's not getting any lighter. He knows that in such a clear way and it's a relief to be aware of at something about his fate.

His head feels like it's about to almost drop off his shoulders because the weight of it is shocking. He feels nothing except pain and the rage at which it vibrates through him is almost relentless. It fails to give in and Robert has to deal with it until suddenly he thinks of one person and one person only. 

 _Aaron_.

Robert feels it course through him and suddenly he's shutting his eyes and seeing himself in the room on the floor battered and bruised. He sees a man by the door way with a smirk on his face and a badge pressed against his shirt.

It reads, 'I LOVE THE STATE'

“Thank you Mr Pollard.” Robert hears the man say. “You've been incredibly helpful.”

Now there's a bang against the railings and everything makes Robert wince and curl himself up into a ball. 

*Aaron. 

He presses against his forehead over and over and over again and wants to *scream out in pain because he just wants Aaron back.

He wants him, he wants Aaron everywhere, he just wants _him_ and —

It's like it gnaws through his stomach and bashes him about until he hears scuffling against the floor and then sees the outline of a figure against the wall.

“He wakes. Finally.” The figure says, still so far away from Robert that he almost has to strain to hear him. 

“What?” Robert's throat is dry and scratchy and makes it hard to breathe as he stares in the direction of the black mass.

“Heard you calling out someone's name over and over and over again.” The figure says, shuffles a little closer and Robert can just about see a pair of glasses and a large nose. “Aaron?”

Robert cringes against someone speaking his name. “Don't say that.” He says, shudders. “His name. Don't say it.” He whispers because even *now he wants to keep it all hidden, even when all hope is just _lost_ and there is nothing to be saved anymore.  

“You'll forget it soon too. Don't you worry.” Robert hears before heaviness takes over him and he falls back down towards the floor with a thud.

 

::

 

The next time he wakes up, the room is considerably lighter now and he can see that three more people have joined him in the room.

No one is chained or gagged like he always imagined everyone would be but there's something so terrifyingly sinister about the way no one dares to move.

It's like they all know that despite _having_ the ability to do so, they lack it completely when it really comes down to it. Robert watches a man pull himself further towards the wall and he's startled by his appearance. He looks as though he's been here for days without food or sunlight and pretty soon Robert knows the place is going to stink of _death_.

He knows yet cannot bring himself to do anything about it as he lays back down on the floor and looks at the rotting ceiling. They seem to have taken everything from him except his love for Aaron and it is love. In that moment, when he knew that he'd never ever see Aaron again, he was able to finally admit that he loves him. He _loves_ him and there's something so beautiful about that which makes Robert nearly want to cry.

But it's so _bleak_ isn't it? Waiting here and knowing that in a matter of days they'll hang you quietly and you will _disappear_ just like everyone else will in this room. 

“Stop overthinking. You're too loud.” The man who speaks sounds old and worn and almost like he's been through this process a thousand times.

“Sorry?” Robert asks, polite in the face of all this danger because he has to retain *some good about him considering the charges he faces.

The man looks right at Robert and it's unnerving to see the jagged cut just above the man's eyes, stretching down towards his mouth. “You. If you carry on, they'll speed this all up and take you first.”

Robert shudders a little at the logic of the man and the dares to ask a question. “Take — take me where?”

Because suddenly he's just a boy and apparently every single person here is older than he is, more wiser, knows exactly how this all goes. It only petrifies Robert more and makes him want *Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron.

“To the Ministry Of Love.” The man hisses, and Robert's face falls a little because that means he won't be hung first, will he? They'll do some sort of mad experiment on him because he's bisexual won't they? Robert feels _sick_ as he thinks about it and then another, younger than the old man, starts speaking. 

“Listen 'ere, stop calling his name out okay?” The man tells Robert. “It'll only make them think that they have more work to do on you.” He says.

Robert could cry as he realises that he's already being denied Aaron's name escaping his lips and this is the *start of a survival he doesn't want to endure.

 

::

 

They feed them all scraps that even the Urbans discard and Robert would be insulted if he wasn't so hungry all the time.

And he is, hungry all the *time because the intervals for meals are perhaps six or seven hours. Usually Robert doesn't even think about what he's eating, instead he _drifts_ off and thinks about Aaron as much as he can because he's painfully aware that the days are stretching out between the in this awful way and it's nearly been a week hasn't it?

A whole week.

He dreams of him though, his dreams are kind and considerate and show Aaron in his arms. He smiles, eyes soft and warm and Aaron promises to love him forever and ever.

'My Robert. I love you and love you and love you.' 

Robert's drawn out of his thoughts by the sound of fighting taking place in the cell.

“That was _my_ piece.” The man practically snarls and Robert remembers how gentle he was only a few hours ago. It's mad. It's mad how quickly things can change.

It takes seconds for the man to be hurled on the floor, thrown and tossed around and Robert winces as he feels the man's bones begin to *crack under the weight of the man beneath him. 

Robert shakes against it all until the man is dragged out practically lifeless and replaced with someone else.

And that someone happens to be —

“Jimmy?” Robert gasps out as he sees the man walk into the cell. He's got the standard black and white uniform on and he's beard is uncomfortably scruffy enough to make Robert almost wince against it. Jimmy's hardly ever been Versarche when it comes to fashion but he does know how to look after himself.

It turns out that absolutely everyone has secrets and even the most loyal can slip hard and hurt their head.

“It was my little Angel who told them what I had said in my sleep. She's so good.” There's almost a sparkle in his eyes as he tells Robert that his own daughter had told the State about her father's distrust in the State when he was only sleeping. “They'll know it was an unconscious thing won't they?” Jimmy almost demands the reassurance and Robert is suddenly too weak to give him any.

Instead Jimmy is quick with his movements and scurries across the small cell in a way that no one else dares to.

Robert doesn't think he's going to last a week here.

 

::

 

Jimmy doesn't.

He's taken away and doesn't return and something screams out in Robert's lungs as he watches the man wave goodbye to him and promise to see him at work soon.

Still. Right in the thick of just how awfully corrupt the whole State is, Jimmy has blind faith in them and the fact that they will do _right_ by the hard workers. 

Robert failed to mention Aaron when he spoke to Jimmy about why he was here. He whispered the word affair out and watched the older man grimace in this clear way that made Robert stop speaking. He wanted to _keep_ speaking about Aaron before they make him forget all they had.

It doesn't help that they don't get fed anymore though, he's turning into a skeleton and knows that it's nearly time for him to just disappear isn't it? He wonders if Aaron already _has_ but then knows that his bracelet would probably start to drain against his wrist and he'd want to disappear too. Just like that.

It's almost three days later when he feels like it's the end.

He can barely raise his head now and the cell stinks of absolute misery and pain and Robert can only wish for it all to happen quickly. He gives up. He's not afraid to admit to just dropping his head back a little and waiting and waiting and —

 **'We are the dead.'** It plays in his mind over and over and over and over again as something grabs his chest and this ... this has to be it! Robert can only think of one person as he struggles to breath against the way he's laying on the floor, he sees Aaron Dingle for the last —

It doesn't end though.

He gasps and has to sit right back up with all this effort because suddenly he hears the sound of sirens and someone running towards the room and things crashing and breaking.

It happens so suddenly that Robert doesn't know what to do. He's frozen. Until he's not because someone is entering the cell and shouting, screaming at everyone to get _out_ and then the person runs towards him and picks him up in their arms.

And then everything fades to 

Black.

 

::

 

The first thing Robert sees when he opens his eyes makes him gasp, and then cry, and then _cling_.

Because, the first thing he sees is blue eyes and it's more than enough for him to recognise who is bent over him pressing a towel towards his forehead.

“Oh — my, Aaron —“ words can't form in his mouth and Aaron has tears streaming down his face as he looks at the _state_ of Robert. They've beaten him black and blue and starved him to the bone and yet Robert still reacts to Aaron in the room.

“Come 'ere.” Aaron presses Robert's head against his chest and tightens his grip around him as they both catch their breathes and try to forget everything. “I missed you _so_ much.” He's crying, keeps kissing Robert's head and then Robert slowly raises it so that Aaron can kiss his mouth instead. 

And he does, feels sweet release in the feel of Robert's lips on his over and over again until Robert practically collapses in Aaron's arms and it's time to stop being so passionate. Instead Aaron just kisses at Robert's face and his hands shake. Robert closes his eyes for a second and then opens them to look at Aaron's bloody hand.

“You —“

Aaron's eyes grow dark. “Had to get you out.” He's so sure of what he's saying, because it was the only thing he could do as soon as they came to rescue him. “Cain. He came back. He's _back_ , he got me out and helped me get you out too.” His hands are still shaking from the fright he felt when he opened that cell and saw Robert laying flat against the floor. “Thought you were dead.” He whispers, has to press his fade against Robert's cheek just to feel him really. “Thought — thought you —“

Robert is still so weak, his eyes flutter a little but he manages to rub his face up and down against Aaron's and try to give him some sort of comfort. It makes Aaron shudder and then he tries holding Robert up and feeding him. Robert wolfs it all down at a frightening rate and Aaron watches him with worry.

He can't even begin to tell Robert how scared he was, it makes him gulp hard and try to hold back his tears until Robert finishes the bread and jam and then is suddenly confused by where they are.

“An old army barracks.” Aaron tells him, “Near the edge of the city.” He sits closer to Robert and watches the darkness grow towards them as the moon raises. “They won't get to us here.”

Robert frowns at him a little, arches an eyebrow. “You're insane.” He says, eyes flickering and tears falling down his face suddenly. Aaron's face drops and Robert just stares at him. “They'll get us. They'll take you away from me _again_.” He's still crying and he's almost on the verge of being hysterical because he doesn't understand how Aaron thinks any of this is actually going to work.

“Rob.” Aaron already sounds defeated. “I got ya out didn't I? Before it was too —“

“This time you did.” Robert whispers, “Next time — they'll kill you and Cain and I'll die as well 'cause no one will get me out. We're all *dead.” Robert doesn't want to die. If someone had told him at the beginning of the year that he'd be dead by now he wouldn't have minded all that much but he wants a life now.

He wants a free and happy life but that's almost unreachable now. 

Aaron shudders. “Please don't say that.” He's breaking, this is Aaron's time to break and Robert's eyes flicker. “I just wanted you back. I'm sorry.” He says. “I'm sorry I didn't think of — of anything else but you back with me and —“ He's short of breath, aching and Robert suddenly brings him down towards his chest and holds him for what feels like hours.

Robert tells him to stop apologising, again and again and then he kisses Aaron's head. Aaron looks up at him and his chin wobbles a little.

“I thought of you every single second.” Aaron tells Robert, eyes watering and it's scary, it's terrifying to think about just how _much_ he loves Robert. “I just —“

“I still dreamt of you, every night.” Robert promises him, and then he gently kisses Aaron's mouth and his bracelet tingles like mad as Aaron gets carried away again and presses his waist against Robert's. They're forced to catch their breathes and Robert smiles for the first time in what feels like _weeks_. Robert can't help but want Aaron even like this, that's why he pulls Aaron's jumper up and then feels the younger man  pull it back down again hastily.

And Robert already *knows.

“ _No_.” Robert whispers. “Aaron, please tell me you didn't —“

Aaron's eyes water a little and he's back there again, he's crying and he's heartbroken and he chooses the darkest part of the cell and the smallest shard of glass he can find and he does what he has to do. “It helped me cope.” He shrugs but Robert erupts into this tortured mess and somehow he's worked out that it's all _his_ fault somehow and Aaron just frowns at him.

He tells him it isn't, tells him that he didn't want to kill himself and so managing all of the pain helped him. He promises that he won't do it again now that Robert's out of danger but it doesn't seem to settle anything in Robert's chest.

“You can't — Aaron, please — don't try and —“

“Why do you care?” Aaron shouts, and this is what he does when he's angry. He closes up. “It's just my way —“

“Because I'm in *love with you.” Robert shouts back, louder than his body can handle and it makes him have to sit back down as Aaron stares at him. He's not in shock, he knows Robert always has felt this way but hearing it makes something in his chest shake. “So — so I care about you being hurt too.”

Aaron kneels down slowly and gently rubs at Robert's knee as he tries to think of something to say. The truth is, no one has really given a toss about him for what feels like forever and so someone being so moved by his actions is enough to make him feel lost for a second. “I won't do it again.” He's shaking and still doesn't know what to say because no one has loved about him enough to have a fucking opinion about this. “I _won't_.” It hits him, this sudden defiance and then Robert blows out a sigh and nods.

“I love you.” Robert says again and Aaron smiles this time, holds Robert's hand and shudders.

“I love you too.” He says, “It's why ...” he squirms a little and then Robert's pale and cold hand manages to make him continue. “It's why I'm fighting.”

“Fighting?” Robert frowns a little in confusion and then Aaron tells him. It's the whole reason why he's here, why he was able to get Robert out in the first place. 

Aaron gulps hard. “For the HDL. For *everyone, we're going to do a mass rally, an attack on the State.” Robert's clearly uncomfortable with what Aaron is actually talking about and that much is clear to see from the frown on his face. It's harsh and forces him to tense a little.

“What do you mean, 'we'?” Only Robert already knows, doesn't he? He means _Cain_.

“We made a deal.” Aaron whispers, pulls his knees up to hold at his chest and then shakes just a little. “He got me out of there and I kept saying your name so he said he'd help me get you out if I joined properly. So I have.” He didn't have to think about anything, not about blowing things up or destroying land. All he wanted was for Robert to be okay, to be _safe_. 

Robert suddenly finds it hard to breathe, blinks out lightly as he looks up at Aaron and then suddenly grips hold of his hand. “For me?” He whispers and Aaron nods adamantly. “Not — not on your own.” He stresses, without hesitation and Aaron frowns. 

“What are you —“

“Not on your own." Robert whispers, “I'll — I'm going to join as well." He says, right now he can barely stand because he's so weak but —

“Shut up.” Aaron combs through Robert's hair gently and kisses his cheek before gulping. “That's not what I want.” He promises but Robert just shakes his head.

“Can't stop me.” Robert has his eyes closed as he tries to escape the way his head thumps. “Love you.” He says, because he's so so proud to say that now and he just needs Aaron to know.

Aaron kisses him on the mouth and Robert sees stars. 

“I heard you.” Aaron whispers, “It's the last thing I heard properly until I got you out of that cell. You love me.” He has tears in his eyes and somehow he got someone to love him *back. It's the best feeling in the world. 

“That's why I'm going to —“

Aaron just shakes his head and presses his hand down gently on Robert's chest. “Rest.” He says slowly. “Come.” He pulls Robert's body towards him and grabs a thick blanket to pull over them both. 

“Will you — be here when I wake up?" Robert asks, feels like a *child under his fear and Aaron kisses his head passionately.

“I will. I will.” Aaron gulps hard, eyes watering. “I promise you." He whispers. “Everything is going to — let's just focus on sleeping okay?” He mumbles against Robert's hair and the older man suddenly grips hold of Aaron's hand and asks for a candle to be burning in the bleak looking room.

It takes seconds for Aaron to set one up with a match he carries around with him. The warm amber glows suddenly and everything feels that little bit lighter as Aaron's eyes turn almost hazel under the single flame. He looks stunningly beautiful and Robert's hands shake a little as he pulls Aaron down towards him again.

“Hate the dark now.” Robert gulps hard, turns pale and Aaron's eyes flutter. His heart practically breaks under it.

“I'll protect you from it all.” And it's the only thing Aaron ever wants to be responsible for in his life. 

And for now, for these sacred few hours it's just him and Robert.

Finally with each other again.

 

::

 

Robert wakes to a loud bang of something hitting the door and it sends a shiver down his spine. He's suddenly back in the cell and he can't escape and they're coming for him as he gently rests against Aaron.

It's _over_.

Only it isn't. Aaron tells him as much by pressing a hand against Robert's cheek and whispering for him to chill out a little.

“No one can touch us here.” Aaron whispers, and he still has all this spirit it seems. Robert is fully aware that a week or two longer would have completely broke his into small little pieces. Perhaps Aaron just had a better experience than he did being locked up, he looks it anyway.

Robert's head is less fuzzy and he can Aaron clearly now. His eyes are bright and beautiful and he has bruises and cuts but nothing as bad as what Robert spent days of his life imagining in that cell. 

“If you say so.” Robert mumbles, can't take his eyes off Aaron. “Where's this army of yours then?” He asks and Aaron takes in a breath before looking towards the door.

“That's probably someone asking if we're going to join 'em for the meeting.” Aaron says, yawns a little before he holds at Robert's hand. “I meant what I said last night. You _don't_ have to join. I owe him, you don't owe me anything.”

Robert scoffs as he tangles his hand in Aaron's. “Only my life.” He whispers and Aaron looks away.

“Well. You saved mine enough times. Trust me.” Aaron mumbles, almost melting the ground with his sincerity and Robert half smiles.

“You'll have to help me up.” Robert says, “So we can go and check out what exactly is going on.

And Aaron cautiously nods his head.

Aaron's _right_ to be cautious too because he doesn't know how anyone's going to react to seeing Robert walk in. Robert at first wasn't anyone important was he? He was the fit bloke in Aaron's dreams that he thought he had some weird connection to which could be stamped up by a quick fuck. But to everyone _else_ , Robert is a Sugden, and they were known for being avid loyalists for the State. The thought of Robert being judged because of that makes him grip his hand tightly as they walk into the room.

Robert is suddenly overwhelmed by how many faces there are. Faces he hasn't ever seen before and some he knows very well. Adam's there, hard as nails suddenly and his brother is standing next to him. Ross. Ross who was supposed to have disappeared over night. 

Apparently he clearly hadn't, he'd faked his own death and joined the league and had no idea that Finn would be taken because of him. You can see how haunted he is by just looking at his face.

Everyone is mumbling and murmuring about something or other until someone descends from a higher plane and it just so happens to be Cain Dingle. Alive and in the flesh. The crowd of people calm instantly and Aaron's unsure of what his uncle will do or say when he sees him holding hands with the Sugden. He hopes he won't even realise until the end of the meeting but he's wrong because Cain just keeps walking until his shoes nearly squeak against Aaron's.

“Alright son?” Cain says, hair thick and dark and a earthly scent about him that alludes to how fucking manly he wants to be. Robert doesn't know what to think of him as he nearly smiles down at Aaron and then looks across towards him. “You must be Sugden?”

And he must do it on purpose because it causes a ripple of mumbling across the room before Cain clears his throat and waves a hand up. “I meant Robert. Apologies.”

“You don't have to say sorry. You helped get me out of there.” Robert says, this confidence in his voice which comes straight from the way Aaron is stroking over his knuckles. “Thank you.”

Cain almost looks unnerved by the kindness and this doesn't look the place for it so he just nods a little. “Whatever. Let's just get on with the meeting?” He looks back at Aaron. “I thought you said under no circumstances was he going to —“

“If Aaron fights, then so do I.” Robert reasons, face still almost caving in and his breathing slower than usual because he's been practically *starved for weeks but he can still do this. For a future. For Aaron. Cain looks at him for a few seconds and Robert's not sure if he hates him or respects him. He'll probably never know really.

“Right then.” Cain says, before he's turning back around and beginning his talk. 

From what Robert can actually gather, they need to strike fast because wherever they are is going to get found out sooner or later. It's a terrifying thought really and Robert just looks over at Aaron as it continues. They have specific targets to uphold and it's all happening *tomorrow it seems. 

“We're hitting the museum tonight.” Cain says and Robert understands what he means by that so he just nods along. “There's a few of you that should stay here.” Cain looks directly at Robert and Aaron's shoulders relax because he doesn't want Robert to come with him. He wants Robert safe.

“I'm going.” Robert says, a few hours later when they're back in their room and Aaron is piling gear onto his body. He has a bullet proof vest and thick boots on and he's probably going to be wearing all black. Aaron just seems to ignore Robert when he speaks but Robert doesn't give in. “Aaron.”

Aaron just looks up a little and all his fear is written all over his face. “I don't want to lose you again.” He whispers. 

“I don't want to lose you either.” Robert says and Aaron watches the colour come back into his lover's face a little. Pink and soft and _his_. “I can't just sit here and wait and — and think about how much of a state you'll be in _if_ you ever actually come back.” He has tears in his eyes. “I can't be alone like that again. Not if I can help it.”

Aaron just stares at him for a second and then he kneels down beside Robert and gulps hard. He understands, he gets it and he can't deny Robert anything can he? “You don't even know how to fire a gun.” Aaron whispers, a hand on Robert's knee and the older man almost smiles.

“Teach me.”

 

::

Robert *can fire a gun thank you very much. It takes a few rounds of wincing and jumping at the sound but sooner or later he's a fucking pro. 

Aaron watches him shooting at a can of something over and over again and then he comes up behind him and evens out his arms so that he can shoot better. It only makes Robert shiver in his touch though and now is not the time but considering the fact that they haven't seen each in weeks and Robert is a little more sane than he was last night, he can't help but grab at Aaron's belt.

“I want you.” Robert hisses against Aaron's neck, pressing a hand against the younger man's neck and backing him further and further towards the wall as Aaron looks at him in awe. 

“You're still —“

“They didn't break me.” Robert whispers, looks towards the closed door and then back at Aaron again. “They didn't.” He says, before he's opening his mouth and pulling Aaron closer to him by the back of his neck. 

Aaron feels like he's floating around this feeling and pressing his hands firmly around his waist. “I'm doing all the work.” He says huskily because Robert still looks like he's about to collapse any second. “Turn around.”

Robert shudders as he feels Aaron says slam him against the wall and then apologise straight afterwards.

“I'll go slow.” Aaron whispers, hands gentle and kind but Robert shakes his head and pushes Aaron's weight towards him as he unbuckles his belt.

“No. Don't.” Robert says and Aaron kisses at his shoulder, makes Robert feel like he's about to turn to jelly and knowing that none of it will last.

It doesn't stop them losing their minds and slamming hands against the wall and loving every single second.

Adam does though. The absolute idiot walks in whilst they enjoy the afterglow of it all and Aaron has his hands over Robert's face.

“Sorry that wasn't — more romantic.” Aaron whispers, his bracelet is vibrating against his skin and Robert smiles.

“You and romance, you always try.”

Aaron bites his lip. “For you, yeah.” He whispers, because he's *not a romantic but Robert makes him lose his mind sometimes. It makes Robert smile suddenly and then he's kissing Aaron again. 

And _that's_ when the door opens and Adam walks in like he can.

Robert pulls his jeans up as Aaron finds his jumper and hops around the place with one leg in his jeans. 

“Oh _shit_.” Adam says, laughing almost at the way the two men try to get themselves clothed again. “I didn't realise that you two were going to be _at_ it in here.” He laughs and Aaron tells him to piss off. “We're leaving now.” He says, almost causally and then he pulls out a map. 

Robert has his head down, doesn't know what he's supposed to say to that because surely it's too soon for them to be leaving. He's had one day with Aaron and it doesn't seem even *close to enough. 

Aaron clears his throat though and gulps. “What's the plan?” He manages to say, manages to ignore the fact that he just wants to stay here with Robert and forget the fact that the State want them *dead. He pulls his jumper over his hands and sighs. 

The plan isn't a master one. Cain's going to be leading the main bulk of the attack, Adam and Ross and a few of the other young boys are going to be right in the thick of it, throwing the grenades. Aaron's job is to stay calm and attack anyone who tries to stop it happening. He gets a gun and he's scared to admit how much that petrifies him so he nods along.

Robert's plain old look out but he gets a gun too.

“Rob can stay with me.” Aaron says suddenly, defiant, knows that he'll only be able to fully feel okay with all of this with Robert next to him. Robert looks at him and nods before looking back at Adam who hadn't said anything yet.

It's almost enough to make Robert understand. “I don't want to be a liability Aaron.” He says gently, but that only makes Aaron frown like mad and shakes his head.

“You won't be.” Aaron says, looks towards his best friend and sighs. “You owe me, after *lying to me for years about exactly who you are.” And it's mad to think about the fact that you can sometimes never _really_ know someone fully. It's so easy for people to lie and protect themselves and he knows that Adam was doing just that. But it still hurts. “You knew about Cain being alive and well *long before I did and I had no one.” He says and Adam drops his head.

“I didn't want to lie to you.” Adam cringes a little and then sighs. “Fine.” He says after a few seconds. “Just look out for him then.” He looks at Aaron as he speaks and Aaron nods back.

“Of course I will.” He promises.

It's exactly what is drilled into Aaron's head as he watches the moon rise up high in the sky and wonders what it would be like to live there.

He thinks of peace and love and an end to this torment and the thought brings tears to his eyes. Watery and soft and enough to make the hand Robert places on Aaron's waist feel like it's the only thing keeping him together.

“Hey.” Robert whispers, and Aaron gasps a little as he looks at what he's wearing. Thick black boots and layers of dark colours, a gun strapped to his waist and a gentle smile on his face which makes Aaron want to keep him forever. He also looks breathtakingly beautiful but that's besides the point.

Or maybe it isn't, because not just anyone could look this strong and gorgeous days after being taken out of the State's prison. 

“Hey.” Aaron says, suddenly turns towards him and presses a hand down on Robert's chest. “Promise me, whatever happens, you don't let me go.” He says. “You don't leave my side.”

Ross is shouting and obviously trying to stir everyone up with their disdain for the State but Robert can only focus on Aaron right in front of him. 

“I don't leave your side.” Robert promises, presses his forehead against Aaron's. "I don't leave your side." He says again and Aaron has tears rolling down his face.

 

::

 

It takes a bomb.

And another.

Then for a second, Robert looks over at Aaron and smiles so brightly that it nearly blinds the younger man.

They've won. 

The mist rises and falls and the dust begins to settle in and their next target it the State Mansion, so far removed from everything else.

The city is theirs to keep.

But then it happens. There's another explosion, this time it's unpredictable, loud, manages to blow Aaron and Robert towards the ground. 

And when they rise again, hands searching become hands lost in the ocean of soldiers who storm and invade and take the light between them all. 

Robert stretches out to feel but fails, hands loose in the thick air and suddenly he's carried away, swooped up by guards who disarm him and Aaron.

He's gone and all hope is lost. Again.

 

::

 

This time he doesn't have water thrown over him or anything like that. All he feels is something dark and looming and then the sound of a pole hitting the railings.

It makes him _jump_ back and suddenly he understands that he is alone. He's alone, and everything is dark and enough to just grab at his insides and fail to let go. He closes his eyes and sees Aaron, he sees him holding his hand and everything is so perfect for a second.

Aaron's smiling, grinning at him a little. “We're okay.” He says, breathless and beautiful and then something _drops_ and Aaron's miles away from him.

Robert knows that he tried to hold onto his hand. He remembers how he screamed and screamed but it didn't make a difference. Aaron was gone.

“Comrade.” He hears someone speaking quickly and when he looks up it's a guard by the window wearing all black and peering into the room. 

Robert scurries towards him and almost instantly wants to ask where Aaron is. 

Because —

He shouldn't have let go of his hand. 

“I shouldn't have let go of his hand.” He whispers, says it over and over again until the man shakes the railings. He gulps hard and steadied himself to ask the man any questions, if he knows if anyone else has been bought in alongside him but something stops him almost like he knows that it'd be silly to even begin to ask such a question. He holds his own and waits for a second, his heart pressing against his chest as he thinks about Aaron letting go of his hand as the ceiling caved in between them.

“Yeah?” Robert mumbles, now looking at the man closer and inspecting the large mole he has just above his lip. He looks menacing and sure of himself at the same time and Robert feels so small underneath it all.

“You do know what you're here for don't ya?” He almost teases and this big grin forms on the man's face as Robert looks away. “So I'd stop screaming for 'Aaron Aaron' before they send you to Room 101 sooner rather than later eh?” He laughs then and it shakes the barriers, nearly shakes the cell as well and Robert shudders a little before he's pulled back towards the wall and starts to cry his heart out in fear.

He's been calling Aaron's name out and there's nothing new about that is there? He's in love with him, he wants him forever, just Aaron and him and a life together and there's so much about the man that makes Robert feel the way he does. He understands him in this amazing way, has a kindness about him in spite of the torment he has had to endure. And Robert just loves him. He just *loves him.

He can't help it. He figures that they'll make him forget it though, or he'll die. 

Suddenly he thinks of Cain and wonders if he's okay, and then his mind jumps to Joe. He heard bits and pieces about him waiting to strike on the work offices when the time was right but that's about it. Just as quickly his mind drifts back towards Cain and he thinks he's died, cannot be certain but has the strangeness about him as he thinks and then feels the cut under his eye for the first time.

It clearly was bleeding only a matter of hours ago and his knuckles are almost purple under the weight of exactly how much rubble and stone fell down onto him. He wonders how long it took for the LW to drag him out, how long he was laying in _some_ sort of peace close to Aaron. 

Maybe they did get to hold hands for longer than Robert anticipated.

 

::

 

A week passes and his condition deteriorates because they don't feed him properly and the loneliness gnaws away at his very existence.

He believes Aaron to be dead in this gut wrenchingly awful way but his bracelet practically winced out in pain last night and it managed to tell him that *something had happened to cause it. So Aaron's dead.

He must be. 

Robert has tears welling in his eyes and his head drops back against the floor as he feels something taking him. A white bright light and a smile on his face and a chance of happiness to arrive but instead all of that is halted as usual because there's a knock on the door and then it's being pulled open.

Robert thinks he's dreaming when he sees him standing there but the guard seems to be looking at him as well so he's alive and well. It's not Aaron. It's not Cain either. But it's Joe, it's Joe at *least. A familiar face.

“Joe?” Robert mumbles, head heavy against the fact that he hasn't eaten all day and the feeling only stretches as Joe smiles at him. He's got a waistcoat and glasses on and his shoes look extra shiny. “You — you have to help — me and Aaron, you have to get — get me out.” 

Joe just keeps staring at Robert though, then pulls his hands in his pocket and sighs. “Oh Robert.” He says, his face so scarily forming into something filled with absolute malice. “You really thought I was helping _you_?”

And Robert is suddenly ten times paler.

“Wh-what did —“ He's petrified with fear, feels it ripping through him as he looks up at Joe and it sinks in.

It sinks right in.

 

::

 

He's in a room with white tiles and a single chair which he just so happens to be strapped against it. He can't even try to move his arms or legs because if he does he'll only end up hurting himself.

When he looks up, Joe is there with that trademark smile on his face and it makes Robert feel like he's going to be sick.

“You've come around then.” Joe says, keeps pacing the room and then squinting at Robert. “You uh _fainted_ when I told you the news.” He laughs then, and Robert can't help the way tears start forming in his eyes.

“All this time ...” Robert manages to say, and he thinks of it all being a trap and nothing is _real_ anymore is it? Not even the support that Joe gave them both. “You were — trapping us?”

Joe frowns a little, and then pulls a chair out of nowhere and sits down. “At first I honestly thought it would be difficult. With Aaron especially, but I had no idea how easy it was did I? You didn't even take that much persuasion.” Robert looks down, feels tears fall down his face as he tries to think of any way out of this nightmare. “You were that _desperate_.” 

“I was.” Robert admits, feels his head spin in this terrifyingly quick way and then he's held up by the headrest of the chair. “Everyone wants freedom.” He whispers.

Joe scoffs. “And what's freedom exactly?” He laughs. “You honestly have no idea how much this State have done for you do you?” There's anger in his eyes that Robert has never seen before and it makes him look away in fear.

“No.” Robert says, almost to himself because he doesn't, he doesn't know a _thing_. The honesty makes him turn cold and then he frowns a little as he still tries to work it all out. “So, you managed to trick everyone in the HDL?” He mumbles out, feels lazy as he speaks and Joe nods his head.

“It was easy. Everyone apart from Cain fully trusted me.” Joe smirks a little. “And then I saw you two.” He laughs. “Made me feel _sick_ to my stomach.”

And Robert should have expected this. Years of being in this awful City has made him aware that everyone hates people like him.

“And apparently you *loved each other.”

“We do.” Robert says, head banging and aching and his heart thudding in his chest because it's true. Joe can't take that away from him can he?

“How do you know that then?” Joe asks, head tilted and eyes bright now. “Haven't you learnt that the only thing you can ever be sure of is what the State informs you?” 

It's this punishing voice, this terribly guilty conscience and it won't let him live. He hates it, feels _sick_ as Joe enjoys it all so so much. 

“You can't destroy how I feel.” Robert shudders, chin wobbling and this sadness about him as he struggles to breathe properly. “I love him.” He says heavily.

Only it makes Joe suddenly slap him around the face and he winces against the impact and the _shock_.

“It's scary really.” Joe sniffs a little and then gulps. “You honestly think that that's true don't you?” He crouched down and Robert struggles to look up at him. “You have absolutely _no_ idea.” 

Robert feels himself frowning against exactly what Joe is trying to imply and he feels sick with it all. He closes his eyes and still sees Aaron and they won't be able to stop that. He knows, in this unwavering sense that he and Aaron won't destroy each other that way. They won't.

“I do.” Robert is defiant, they can do whatever they like to him but to try and say that he didn't love Aaron is almost unimaginable because he has never ever loved someone the way he loves Aaron. He's never wished to die to save someone else and he would, he'd sacrifice himself for Aaron but that seems to be the worst thing he can actually admit to whilst Joe looks at him with a stern look on his face.

“Oh Robert.” Joe tuts. “You think he was telling the truth all that time don't you?” And Robert's face falls. " _Think_ long and hard Sugden. A younger, attractive man suddenly pursues _you_."

Robert sees Aaron kissing him in the middle of the street and he feels alive.

The doubt can't set in. They've been through this.

“Our bracelets,” Robert gulps hard suddenly and something travels through his mind as he looks at the man in front of him. “They vibrate.” He says, the softest memory whizzing through his mind. “How can you explain that?”

Joe rolls his eyes. “You're making it so _easy_.” He mumbles a little and then smiles. “They're programmed. They're owned by the State Robert, if we want to change anything then we can.” His eyes almost glimmer and Robert's heart thuds like mad all of a sudden.

“No.” Robert shudders out, eyes wet suddenly. “No — no I —“ 

“What we tell you is real. Nothing else. Not you or him or your _sins_.” Joe hisses a little and suddenly there's a needle pressed into Robert's arm and everything turns to black.

 

::

 

He lifts his head and everything around him is petirfyingly dark, has this ability to seep through him and grab hold of his heart and not let go. It takes a second for him to understand where exactly he's ended up but then he doesn't even seem to care anymore.

Because all he can think about is one single thing. 

“I let go of his hand.” He whispers it, remembers things suddenly pulling away from him and something crashing between them and him just _letting go_ in shock. 

It makes him ache all over and suddenly he's hitting his head and saying it over and over again until it's almost second nature.

“I let go.” He screams out, and he's lost it in here. It's been so so long that he's gone and completely _lost_ the plot and there's no way of him retracing any sort of life outside of the walls he's confide in. It's all just this massive waiting game isn't it? 

He's waiting for it all to end and for the torment in his mind to subside. He knows it's going to happen, knows that they'll try all they can to make him forget about him but he won't. 

He _won't_.

The next thing he knows, he's being dragged from his cell and this time it isn't to be beaten for information about any others. This time he sees Joe and he seethes because he's already aware of just how fucked up he is.

He's been here, delirious and bloody and told that it was all a big game, some massive joke and then he had to wait. The waiting seems to be over now he's strapped to a white chair and has Joe standing over him with a smile on his face.

“Morning Aaron.” Joe says cooly. “Ready for our morning session?” He asks and he's delirious under the weight of exactly what he is talking about. Aaron shudders slightly and Joe looks more seriously at him. “You don't need to be afraid. It's just the start of your correction process. We just want to asses how much work needs to be done.”

He says work, and Aaron knows exactly what he means.

“Should we start at the beginning of it all. The start of the sordid affair.” Joe seems absolutely disgusted and it shows when Aaron sees the look on his face. 

“Wasn't — wasn't sordid.” Aaron manages to say, feels his bracelet react as he thinks about Robert's mouth on his mouth, hands flying about. He remembers how Robert managed to make him feel safe, so foolishly feel _safe_ in the midst of so much danger. 

“Oh really?” Joe scoffs. “You buying a room to fuck him in isn't sordid? *After having sex in some old grotty barn. That wasn't _sordid_.” He spits a little and Aaron's mouth hangs open as he hears him. It's ridiculous of him to almost be surprised that he knew. 

They know everything.

They've always always known everything and so suddenly every single moment him and Robert have ever shared is terribly tainted and there's a third person involved.

The State itself.

It crushes against his chest a little and when he looks up again, Joe is shaking his head. 

“You _chased_ after him.” Joe frowns, “Or am I missing something here?” Only he isn't is he? Aaron knows that it was all him, it was all _him_ from the very beginning and the thought is the only honest one he can muster. 

Aaron shakes his head and it hangs loose.

“You offered yourself up, like you did with all the others.” And that makes Aaron's whole body tense as he remembers all those times, all those rooms and the minutes and the darkness and the fact that it all meant nothing to anyone involved. “Like some dirty little whore.”

And Aaron accepts it. He gulps it down and readies himself for any more abuse to come his way until Joe mentions Robert and he's like a caged animal. 

He growls and leaps up, “Don't mention — don't talk about Robert like that.” Aaron barks because Joe said Robert was nothing more than just another warm body and he's wrong.

Robert was always always more, he was this lightness. He looked at Aaron with delicate eyes and soft smiles and a carefulness to make Aaron feel good. It never was like that with anyone else.

“Woah.” Joe laughs. “That spirit is still running wild isn't it? You tell me then, hmm? You tell me exactly what made you go back time and time again and end up where you are right now when it is so _easy_ to just get along just fine?” 

And Aaron knows, he _knows_ that there was so many times where he could have left everything alone. Robert finding out about Cain and not wanting to see him is the shining example. He didn't let him go though did he? He chased and he apologised and he ended up back in his bed because he just couldn't help himself. 

“I — couldn't stop.” Aaron whispers, not ashamed of himself but feeling all this judgement suddenly that it simply too hard to ignore. “It wasn't like the others.” He tries to explain, only Joe doesn't get it. He scoffs a little and then asks Aaron to explain then. “The others —“ Aaron has to take a breath. “Some were good, the sex was — it was good but some were rough." He closes his eyes and he's being fucked over a dodgy looking shelf, the guy has a family, has _needs_ , doesn't want to speak. It leaves fucking bruises. “And it was quick and it didn't feel like it should have. And then Robert made it feel — feel like it was everything.” 

Joe has his beady eyes on him and he's only a jumped up kid really, one who has no _idea_ what it feels like to have proper _feelings_. “You wouldn't understand.” He admits, only that makes Joe dramatically press his hands together.

“And aren't I the lucky one? Look at you. You're tainted and _destroyed_ because you have foolishly made yourself believe that —“

“I love him.” Aaron says, wills himself to say it over and over again and Joe is startled, that much is clear to see. He doesn't know what to say for a second and Aaron's just left looking at his feet. “And — and I let go of his hand.” 

He let it go.

He promised he wouldn't and —

Suddenly he feels his hand being pulled up and Joe looks into his eyes. “None of that was real Aaron.” He says plainly, only Aaron won't hear it, he shakes his head over and over again because he knows what is real and what isn't and how he feels about Robert _is_ real. It has to be.

“It was.” Aaron mumbles, eyes flickering a little as Joe lets go off his hair. "I got — got him out. I got him out of the — the cell." Because he loved him, because he _loved_ him so much that he couldn't possibly fathom being without him.

“You risked your _life_ for him.” Joe laughs a little. “For _him_.” Aaron almost growls against Joe's tone and then settles himself. “When all you had to do is follow the State.” He sits slowly and then sighs. “Tell me Aaron, what was _so_ special about him?” 

Aaron can almost sense the trap he's placing himself in but he can't help but start speaking. It's like he'll never be able to stop wanting to talk about the man who makes him soft and sappy and so madly in love.

Aaron's smiles faintly suddenly. “He looked at me like I was more.” He stops himself and tries not to cry. “More than a body, more than a rebel.” He sees Robert smiling at him as he closes his eyes. “I didn't want to — but I fell in love with him and he loved me back.” The thought makes Aaron almost swoon against how terribly tragic their love always was going to end up. 

It chases around his mind over and over again and Joe's back to hating him being so vocal about how exactly he feels.

“You think you _know_ what love is? How? How could you possibly know?” Joe has a million questions and Aaron's head feels woozy against it. “You know how to have sex, degrade yourself in such an unspeakable manor but that's all.”

Aaron doesn't say anything, his mouth just hangs open again and then he sighs hard and struggles to breathe. 

“Love. I finally — finally know how to love.” Aaron's almost chillingly brave now that he's actually experienced the beatings and the darkness. He's brave in this bold and daring way and he hopes Robert is proud of him.

“Well, not for long eh?” Joe is teasing him, “Because soon, you'll forget all about him and Robert won't even remember your _name_.”

He's so adamant, so so adamant that it makes the hairs on Aaron's arm stand up and he wants to be sick. “You can't — can't make that happen.” He says, tears in his eyes because the State can't have the power of _love_. How can they possibly do that?

“We can. We will Aaron. Then finally, you can be released back into the city, and walk passed the messed up little lover boy without even *recognising his face.” 

And suddenly, there is nothing more terrifying in the whole world.

 

::

 

It's strange but he has a dream about his little sister, she's smiling at him and he wants to follow her wherever she's going but as he does, his bracelet aches against his skin and he has to stop walking.

She's older, eyes still kind and a vision of his mother and he absolutely _wants_ to follow her but he can't. Where she is seems miles away from him and it hurts, it hurts to see her leaving him but she keeps going.

And he's still here.

He's still here and it's not fair.

 

::

 

Joe is still telling him that Aaron was a spy all along. It seems to be this constant and unwavering truth in all of his 'sessions' and it makes Robert feel sick.

Because of course he begins to doubt everything, every look, every smile, every time Aaron saved him and made sure that they were 'concealed.'

It makes Robert hate himself though, because Joe hasn't been able to stamp out the fact that he absolutely adores Aaron in this painful and frightening way and that isn't going to change. He won't _let_ it change.

It's been about a week and Joe is interested to learn more about this room of theirs.

“So, you never met the owner?” 

Robert is propped up on the chair, feet tied and this machine plugged to his head for some unknown reason. He manages to shake his head against how heavy his arms feel. 

“Not until you found us. I saw him. In the room.” Robert realises how stupid they were as soon as he sees his face again in his mind. How could they possibly of thought they could get away with it? 

“Pretty loud.” Joe remarks. “You two.” Robert blushes a little. “At it like _animals_ in your little sex den weren't you.” He laughs at that and then looks more serious. 

“It wasn't just for that.” Robert has tears in his eyes and this is worse than any other form of torture. He'd take a damn beating every single day if it avoided having to think about Aaron and their love and relive every single moment only to have it mocked and tainted. “We didn't always —“ he thinks of Aaron wrapped in his arms, those days were they just needed to hold each other, when nothing _else_ needed to happen. Soft kisses and dreams of happiness and a life together. He remembers the exact moment before they were stormed, when they dared to talk about _marriage_. “It was our place.”

“And what gave you the right to decide that you _needed_ one Robert?” Joe asks, and Robert isn't sure how the younger man isn't bored of going through all this day after day.

“I didn't have one.” Robert has since learnt from being in this bare white tilled room. 

“So when you weren't fucking, what exactly were you up to?” He's so awfully crude and Robert winces a little as he wonders why he gets to swear when everyone else knows it to be so uncouth. Robert doesn't say anything and then Joe frowns. “Plotting to take down the State?” 

Robert still doesn't say anything.

“You really thought you could as well.” Joe shakes his head a little. “Did you think the power of love would have been enough?” He smirks again and Robert just drops his head.

“Just wanted — a better life.” Robert says, exhausted of this, he wants an _out_ right now and he'll agree to anything just so long as all of this stops. He wonders if Finn went through this, is still going through this ordeal.

Then his mind jumps to Aaron's mother, Aaron's sister. He doesn't know them, but can't help but wonder if every single person who has ever disappeared is just somewhere in this giant maze of a building being 'corrected' by the State.

It sends a chill through him and Joe rabbits on about the real freedom only deriving from the love and respect of the State itself. He makes Robert look at him as he speaks and there's suddenly something deadly in his eyes.

“You're going to understand Robert.” Joe says. “Unless you want to die.”

And Robert will take that. He really fucking will —

“And by you I mean Aaron. And Adam. And every single person who lives in your block of flats.” 

Robert shudders as he thinks of Laurel and her children. It is too much to bare and he supposes that there's nothing he can possibly do but agree.

“It won't be real though will it?” Robert says. “You _forcing_ me to agree with what you think isn't the same as me thinking it for myself.”

Only Joe has probably heard that a million times before.

“The lines blur Sugden. They blur.”

And suddenly so does Robert's vision.

When he wakes again, he can see that a few guards are surrounding him and Joe has attached him to some sort of machine. The room is still painfully bright and makes Robert wince as he looks around and observes the blankness of the place.

“Ah. He wakes.” Joe says, sits and looks straight at Robert. “We can begin.” And apparently the plan is to _help_ him. It's to sort out his boggled mind and make him a better individual. “I have a file here. About your parents.”

And that makes Robert's eyes flicker a little. He can see his father waving as they take a picture, he's got Vic on his lap and Andy by his head and Sarah in between them and honestly there's nothing more softer about it until it all he sees is flames and fire and anguish.

“Your father was a writer.” He says. “A brilliant one. Imagine him seeing you now. He'd be ashamed, wouldn't he?” Joe asks it as a question but it isn't one really. It's a fact and Robert feels sick.

“Yeah.” Robert says, _easily_. He's never doubted the fact that his father would absolutely despise him for what he's doing. 

“I mean considering what he did himself.” Joe has a hand on a large folder and sighs. “Not about him cheating on Sarah, I meant marrying her so quickly after your real mother died. Pat, right?” Robert has his head raised at that and he nods it a little as he thinks about her. 

He thinks about exactly what _she_ would think about him and this path he's leading. The path he almost cannot _stop_ because he has absolutely no say over how much he will always have feelings for Aaron. 

“That is real dedication to the State, marrying again, having more children.” Joe waves a hand out and for the first time in _years_ he remembers when he first met Sarah and how much he didn't want to like her. She was fresh and new and had this warmth about her that Robert craved, but he also knew that his father had simply done it to please the State and they would never be a proper family would they. It makes him sting a little as he thinks about it and then when he looks up, Joe is reading out one of his father's poems.

“It's a shame you didn't follow in his footsteps.” And he's heard that a billion times before actually. “You probably have though, love songs to Aaron right?” 

Robert sparks almost instantly as he hears his name and Joe despises it almost too clearly. He decides to stop reading, being gentle with his meanness and instead stares harshly at Robert and then frowns. 

“Just trying to get to the bottom of it all.” Joe says. “ _Why_ you thought that you and that Dingle _scum_ could get away with betraying your own State. It's bizarre really.” 

For the first time, Robert _wants_ to speak, he wants to get his point across and his chin wobbles a little as he opens his mouth. “It — I didn't want to hurt anyone.” He whispers, “I just wanted Aaron.”

“Aaron. The man you think was on your side.” Robert winces as Joe speaks because he _still_ doesn't want to believe it. 

“No.” Robert mumbles. “He _was_.” His eyes flutter. “He got me out.”

That's the only thing he can really grab ahold of and squeeze for dear life. Robert was trapped and in pain and needed a way out and suddenly Aaron was there for him in this beautiful way. 

“We let that happen.” He says easily. “We _watched_ you go, knowing that you'd slip up and we'd be able to finally get to the bottom of all of this.”

“All of what?”

“Your reason to rebel against us.” Joe stands now, starts pacing the room. “Because up until now you've been an absolute nobody. We've appreciated that. And then suddenly, Aaron Dingle is looking at you and you're on your knees like some animal.” 

Robert pushes his head down and just something about the way he speaks makes him see his father standing in front of him.

“Please stop.” He whispers, for the first time in weeks he's finally given in to exactly what they want him to.

Joe doesn't stop though.

“Did it feel good? Fucking that dirty lowlife of a spy?”

“Stop.”

“You honestly think he _loves_ you. No one can love another person like that. It doesn't _happen_ Robert, he didn't love you.” He says, almost madly now and it's terrifying.

“He did.” Robert shuts his eyes and Aaron's rubbing his back in the bath, they're holding hands and he's talking about his past and Robert doesn't give a shit about any of it. “He _did_.”

“It was all a _lie_.” Joe hisses, a hand on his forehead. “We knew for so long Robert, and we let it continue.” Robert gulps hard a little.

And Robert thinks about that for so long. He thinks about the fact that for the first few times, he hated Aaron and if they would have known *then, he would have easily turned Aaron over and just continued living his life. He would have been so apologetic, and dedicated his life to try and do better.

But they didn't. They waited until he was comfortable with how much he loves Aaron, and then they pounced.

“We wanted to see how far you'd go. And Aaron didn't —“

“Aaron said he loved me ages ago.” Robert says. “He wouldn't have done that if he didn't really love me. Not after everything he's been through.” 

Joe sighs. “It was a great springboard. His tragic passed. He didn't want to tell you but — we made sure he did. He owed us.”

“Owed you?” Robert feels his head become dizzy again. 

“We caught him with a man, going at it. He pleaded for us to not kill him, and then we saw you, quietly hating absolutely everything around you. We also saw the way you used to look at some _men_ , the same way you looked at women. So we decided that he'd seduce you. Only you so _easily_ went back for more and — here we are now.”

Robert has tears rolling down his face. “I don't believe you.”

“Who else are you going to believe?” Joe makes his point and then bites at his lip the way Aaron does. It makes Robert look away from him before they merge into one person and he forgets *his Aaron. “We made you commit some of the most _sinful_ acts, all _masked_ in this ridiculous name of love. You thought you were actually doing it for a cause.”

And Robert _did_. Aaron told him how to shoot, where to go, exactly what to do and he trusted him blindly.

“Everything was a lie.”

“Not how I feel.” Robert blurts out after what feels like years. “You can't ruin that.” He almost promises that and it stretches through him as Joe looks on.

“Of course I can. It happens all the time. People fall out of love. It's possible Robert. Just think about the love for your father."

Robert feels tears sting his eyes. “Don't —“

“You loved him once. And then he hurt you, rightly so. Then you hated him.” Joe arches an eyebrow and Robert gulps hard because he doesn't understand how they know that. It's chilling.

“It wasn't that simple.”

Only it's like Joe is in his mind and _knows_ that when he stares down at his bruised body, he had venom in his veins and hatred for his father in this terribly sad and tragic way.

He hated him and nothing was the same. Not really.

“You can make anything simple Robert.” He holds his arms across his chest and sighs. “You can love and then hate so easily. That's the problem with human love, it's not the same as our adoration for the State. That can't be tarnished.” Robert finds that fucking debatable really. “Which is _why_ , you have to do exactly the same and you will.”

Robert just doesn't understand any of this. He probably never will, even if Joe stands in front of him and explains it over and over again.

“How?” Robert's eyes flicker, and his freckles stand out against his skin as he feels his eyes droop. “Every time I close my eyes I see his face.”’He explains, eyes watering a little. “That's not going away.”

“Then we try harder to make you fall out of love with that dirty spy.”

And Robert shudders against just how adamant Joe remains.

 

::

 

For a long time, Robert is convinced that Joe has developed the ability to control his dreams as well as his reality because whenever he sleeps, Aaron is taunting him now and not loving him.

His eyes are darker, less pure and soft and blue and Robert finds himself looking away whenever he sees him. He's used to Aaron holding his waist and telling him that he's going to rescue him again soon.

But it's tarnished because of Joe and his desperate attempt at trying to make Robert face facts. Only he doesn't _want_ to. Ignorance truly is bliss. Or it was. In that room of theirs, soft sheets and tiny bed and only the talk of the future helping them through the hours.

Robert relishes in the fact that he was a lucky one. He was someone who _could_ use ignorance in the best way possible, not blindly accept rules and regulations but actually live their life the way they saw fit until it was halted _for_ them.

He wants it back though. He wants all of it to _stop_ and he tells Joe all that much the next time he's strapped to the machine and feels like he's going to pass out from the heavy white lights.

“Why don't you just kill me?” Robert asks, eyes flickering as he tries to hold his stare. Joe just stares back as though Robert is surely mad and it makes everything feel heavy like it usually does.

“And what would that achieve?” Joe sips at his water and almost taunts Robert who hasn't been given _anything_ for hours. “Absolutely nothing. That's not our mission.”

“But threatening to _kill_ others if I don't accept your views is?” Robert doesn't know where he finds the bite from but it won't go away.

Only Joe categorically denies ever ever saying that and it makes Robert's face fall. 

“You — you did.”

But apparently his mind is playing tricks on him and so so suddenly, there is nothing that he can be certain of.

His mentality remains the same, it doesn't change until his next session and Joe is forcing him to talk openly about exactly why he wanted to rebel. He feels like he's been through this a million times but Joe doesn't seem to care.

“Because of him.” Robert mumbles, and for the briefest second, when he closes his eyes, Aaron is smiling at him a little. “I've already told you all of this.”

“It was more than that though. You agreed so willingly. You _wanted_ someone.”

“Doesn't everyone? I was lonely.” It's a fact, a terrifyingly sad yet true fact. 

“Find a woman then. Have a wife. Make children. You won't be alone then if you —“

“So you've never done something bad for love then?” Robert asks, and for a second, it feels like him and Joe are perhaps equals and he gets to witness the way his eyes flicker like he's a little unsure.

And then he sits down slowly, scrapes the chair closer. “Nearly.” He says and Robert's mouth hangs open awkwardly. “Debbie Dingle? Cain's daughter. I was meant to spy, go through the motions and I slipped.” He drops his head and shrugs a little. “Nearly turned my back on everything for _her_. But I wised up in time.”

Robert frowns a little. “What did you —“

“Sent her here, she's fine now. Finally she knows what is right and wrong.”

And Robert can't possibly imagine how he can be so cold. He wishes he can think of Aaron and feel nothing at all.

But he can't.

“And you did all this for a family who no one has ever even met?” Robert's eyes flicker and the White family is so far removed from everyone in society. They're beyond any sort of old fashioned royal family and it makes Robert hate them even more. They don't even _attempt_ to show their face. 

Joe looks hard at Robert and shakes his head. “They're not even _real_ Robert.” He says and Robert feels like someone has kicked something in his stomach and told him not to wince.

Surely, surely that cannot be a lie as well?

“What — what do you —“

“They're just a basic computer operated model, functioning only because of people like me. They're the _face_ of the whole system.” Joe frowns, “They're not real.”

Robert's mouth hangs open and the lies keep tumbling out over and over and over again.

“So why the _hell_ do you do all of this? You don't need to _please_ anyone.” Robert has all this confusion swirling around in his head and Joe is ten times more crazier than he was only minutes ago.

“The principles remain.” Joe stresses suddenly, looks all serious as he speaks and he shakes his head. “My father and his generation and the generation before that and even before that were able to keep crime rates down and birth rates up and everything good and pure. It doesn't matter that —“

“It's all built on lies.” Robert snaps, eyes watering now because he knows it's all ridiculously, it all means _nothing_.

Joe just smiles though, “Lies are what we tell you are lies.” He says. “Simple as that Robert and that family is a lie. You're fortunate to know that now.”

Robert doesn't feel fortunate though. He feels sick. “Thousands of people think that he's real, that they're all _real_ and that's why they are so obedient.” He keeps talking but Joe doesn't seem to care all that much though. Especially when his guard enters the room and whispers into his ear about something.

Joe clenches his jaw and sighs. “Graham, make sure to deal with it.”

Robert hears his heart thudding in his chest. “Deal with who?” He says suddenly, eyes wet as he thinks about Aaron.

Aaron dead.

Aaron lifeless and alone and he wants to scream against this absolute nightmare.

“Aaron?” Robert panics and he isn't learning. He's not _learning_. “Let — please let me see him. Let — let me see —“

He feels the sting of the slap and the way he is suddenly injected with something sharp. When he opens his eyes again, his heart rate is slow and makes his mind swirl around at this gentle pace.

He's almost at peace as Joe sits there with another two advisors or whoever exactly they are. They all have suits on and stare at him.

“Robert, answer these questions for us please.” Only Robert can hear it all dragged out and slow. “How did your family —“

“Fire.” Robert trembles. “Don't — don't make me see fire again. I'm scared of fire.” He shakes as his vision blurs a little. “You caused it. The fire.”

The men look at each other and then Joe nods his head.

“Because we could.”

And Robert starts crying, he keeps crying. 

”Nothing is real, is it? Only we decide what is real and what is not. Would you agree Robert?”

Robert nods slowly, chin wobbling as he presses his hands against his face and wants Aaron's arms around him. But then suddenly something halts in his chest and it screams out this massive denial of the man. He becomes this silhouette in his mind. A shadow. Simply less of everything Robert thought he was.

When he looks up, Joe smirks at him. “You must want us to take care of you now. Aaron doesn't love you Robert. He was given a choice you know? Himself or you. Who gets hurt.”

Robert can't fathom such a decision and it aches through him as he thinks about it. 

“Do you know what he said?”

No.

No.

“You.” Joe learns a little closer and Robert can't breathe, he doesn't know what to think until he's almost at peace with it all. 

Robert drops his head, eyes filled with water. “Why would you hurt him? You said — you said that he was working for _you_.”

“A degenerate is a degenerate.”

And Robert gulps hard, some things shouldn't be put so simply. He wants to scream it at them but he almost can't can he? Because he's dragged towards a room with darkness and they _keep_ mentioning how much Aaron wanted this to happen to him.

“What? What to happen to —“

And he sees flames.

He sees his biggest fear staring right back at him with this awfully terrible malice and it's mocking him as he hears his parents scream against the pain of the flames. He shuts his eyes and he's just a teenager who is suddenly all alone and it aches throughout him as he tries to stop them from pushing towards it all.

“Please — no please don't —“ Robert practically screams his lungs out as he feels himself move closer and closer towards it all. It won't stop. It won't stop and he just wants it all to _stop_.

He closes his eyes and the second he gives in, is exactly the second that he's pushed away from it all and rolled onto his back as Joe looks down at him.

“Aaron doesn't love you.” He says, practically spits his words and Robert is still trying to recover from the fact that he was nearly tossed into flames because of all of this.

He nearly died and Aaron —

He doesn't know his face as well as he once did.

“He doesn't love you. And he can't save you. Only we can.” He's so adamant, it's not so terrifying anymore. It's almost reassuring. “You don't love him either. Or you would have risked your life for him. Faced your fear.”

Robert looks up at him and it's almost like he knows the consequences before he even attempts to get his words out. He sees himself being void of any feeling for anyone and everything and it's a sweet sweet release, it goes _beyond_ Aaron now. 

“I don't love Aaron.” 

And he can almost feel his bracelet die against his skin.

 

::

 

Aaron's crying in his dream, head bent and eyes sad and for a second Robert almost regrets what he has said about him. The denial.

He keeps seeing him in his mind but then he smells the smoke and thinks about the fact that Aaron _allowed_ for it to happen. He allowed for Robert to nearly go through something as traumatic as fire.

Fire.

There's something chilling there, it makes something ache inside him and it won't stop. It won't stop.

It's relentless, eyes watering as he thinks about the fact that he has all these _feelings_ in his chest and they won't go away and he hates it all now. He resents it all. 

He wants it _gone_.

“Robert, are you ready?” Joe has his eyes flickering like he's not too sure yet. 

Robert doesn't say anything though, he just looks right at him until all the panic subsides and all of this must be for the best.

It must be.

So he nods.

And then he's being taken to a room and there's a single vale of amber liquid on a small table and he has to drink it back if he truly wants to forget the trappings of love.

Because it's easier isn't it? It's easier to think that Aaron is a spy and that none of it was real and that he can only rely on exactly what they say because that will stop him from ever getting his heart broken won't it?

He knocks it back, there's a soft ease to it and Joe watches it from the glass panelled window with a smile on his face and a 'well done' for Robert to hear.

It makes everything burn in his stomach and he sees Aaron smiling at him in his mind for one last time before everything turns completely blank in his mind.

 

::

 

Robert has been moved to a more comfortable cell, this one has a bed and a window and he's become used to seeing the birds outside play against the railings.

It's been weeks since his mind was Blanked in this awfully quick way and he isn't sure how exactly he's supposed to move on now. He thinks less about death and the possibility of his life being over and more towards his life *after this. He wants to write a book on the experience but he doubts they'll ever let him.

Robert has a hand pressed across his knuckles, they're bruised from his fits in the night where he tosses and turns and screams out for a name he doesn't really ever want to remember. 

Aaron.

The name swirls something in his chest is this awfully weird way and he knows him yet doesn't know him all at the very same time. Joe and the other guards seem to think that it's perfectly natural, that his corrupted mind is only still trying to fight against his perfectly ordered mind however it still makes him frightened.

The door opens slowly to reveal Joe standing there with Graham behind him. They both look apprehensive and unsure and perhaps Graham possibly looks conflicted when Robert smiles at him.

He isn't afraid of them anymore. How can he be when they _saved_ his life? They saved him from being tossed into that heat and dying in this cruel and painful way.

“Hello.” Joe smiles back at Robert and then comes a little closer towards him. ”How are you?”

Because they haven't seen each other for a few days now. Robert has had to wait here and just watch the world go by whilst he can hear the distant cries of others trying to rebel against the State in this ridiculous way. 

“Okay.” Robert says, looks down at his knuckles and then up at Joe. “It will stop soon, right?”

Joe looks towards Graham and then back to Robert. “It will when you complete your final test. Just one more and then you'll be free.”

Robert frowns a little. “I feel like I already am.”

And Joe just keeps smirking.

 

::

 

This room is much smaller than any other Robert has been in, the windows are barely existing and he's reminded of the first ever cell he was in so many months ago now.

He's alone. Sitting on a table with a chair in front of him and he suspects for the first time since being here that he has a visitor. And actual _visitor_.

Robert catches his face in the glass and for a second he shuts his eyes and recalls a memory.

It was weeks before he was at peace with the limitations of himself, back when he still thought that he could beat the State. Joe pulled him up and dragged his practically lifeless body towards the mirror and he hadn't seen himself before then.

He was bone and skin and baggy eyes and bruises and Joe told him that the person in the mirror was never going to be a threat to the State.

Robert looks at himself now and sees a little bit of difference but not much. He's not as scared of himself as he once was but he still has clusters of bruises and his hair is unforgivably long and unruly and there's a cut above his right eye that doesn't want to budge.

He doesn't have the time to keep staring at himself though because the door opens and in walks a guard. He's not alone though, there's someone who he is dragging towards the table and Robert stares at the man in front of him. 

His body is slumped against the table in this scary way, and Robert's heart thuds in his chest for this unknown reason. And then the man manages to raise his head and —

He has a thick beard and sad eyes and they're this beautiful blue colour and -

“Rob?” He can't believe what he's seeing, he can't believe that it's *him and he suddenly starts crying his eyes out. He won't stop and then he's reaching over the table and wrapping his arms around Robert.

Only Robert stiffens in his hold, he just stares at him as the man presses hands across his face and gently rubs his cheeks and smiles. Robert shuts his eyes and feels those same hands on his face and they're in a bed together and —

“Aaron.” Robert says, tears forming in his eyes as he speaks slowly and Aaron nods his head quickly at him.

It's almost like he knows straight away. It's like he senses that after all these months, they've been snatched from each other one way in the worst way possible.

“Tell me — tell me you haven't taken it.” Aaron's this _mess_ and Robert feels so sorry for him because he clearly still has fight left in him. 

Robert just nods his head slowly. “It was the only way.”

And Aaron's face just _falls_ in this awful way. His hands are shaking as he thinks about how many times he denied the serum, he kicked and screamed and got beaten for it and Robert just —

“How could you fucking do it?” Aaron growls over the table and Robert flinches back in fear and everything is lost isn't it? Aaron sees how much they have taken from the man he is in love with and there's no denying it anymore. They've beaten and tortured him and he's almost empty. He doesn't smile. He doesn't laugh at him. That twinkle he used to have in his eye when Aaron was sitting across him in the office canteen has _gone_.

Robert drops his head. “You were a spy.” He says heavily. “Don't bother lying about —“

Aaron frowns at him, “You what?” He half expected this to happen yet it kills him inside. They've filled his head with so much nonsense and there's no _way_ he can know the difference between what is right and wrong can he? “I wasn't. I —Robert, I fucking love you so much.” He's crying again and Robert is petrified of how much Aaron loves him. 

It's unhealthy.

“That's why we need to forget each other. Take the serum, blank your mind.” Robert says, and he's almost turned into Joe. That's what makes Aaron look so scarily unnerved by his words and he shakes his head. 

“You — you said we wouldn't leave each other.” Aaron's chin wobbles, and he sees them in their bed together, naked and happy and nothing else to worry about.

Robert feels something inside him sting and then his face hardens a little. “You said you wouldn't let go of my hand.”

And Aaron suddenly starts crying even more. He buries his face in his hands and shakes his head and can't understand how Robert could do this to them. 

“I'm sorry.” Aaron whispers, “I shouldn't have — I should _never_ have let go but I was scared, I didn't mean to -“

Robert's eyes flicker. He doesn't like seeing Aaron cry. “It's okay.” He smiles. “It was for the best.”

Only Aaron cannot see that, he just feels _pain_ and it seeps into him suddenly. Then he sees Joe, through the glass, and he's smirking like he's proud of the man he has produced in Robert. 

“I can't lose ya.” Aaron whispers across the table with tears falling fast now. He wants his Robert back, he wants happiness and love and laughter, “I don't want to — to be alone, without _you_.” He sighs hard and Robert feels this need to extend his hand out and touch Aaron's. It makes Aaron's bracelet vibrate and he looks heartbroken when Robert's stays still.

“They took mine. They gave me another one.” Robert explains and then Aaron looks at him slowly. He has bruises, his hair is so much longer than he remembers it being and everything about him is that much more broken inside. Robert never wanted this, that much he _knows_ with all his heart and suddenly Aaron is almost glad he gave in.

“And you're happier?” Aaron says, because that's _all_ he's ever wanted really. He's wanted the man in his dreams to be happy. 

Robert smiles clearly, only he's not really _there_ is he? He's almost like a shadow of the man Aaron loves.

Aaron slowly nods, and within seconds, _seconds_ , the serum is placed in front of him and he can only think about all of this being over.

He holds it to his lips and Robert almost just stares through him. 

“In another life Robert Sugden.” He raises the serum and he's still crying silently to himself as the old Robert almost breaks through and smiles at him gently.

“In another life, one not like this one, I would have loved you forever I promise. I would have got down on one knee and married you as well.” Robert knows that to be a fact, he doesn't know an awful lot about Aaron because of the blankness but they clearly had something and it's wrong and tainted in this world but maybe it meant everything in another. 

“Yeah?” Aaron whispers, and it's too much to bare as he tries to battle through all the what if's they could have faced together if this world wasn't so fucking corrupt. 

“Yeah.” Robert whispers back, but then his eyes gloss over again and he's almost gone and Aaron has no choice but to wish to be blank just like Robert. Doubly blank if that's possible.

Bravery is weakness, he thinks as he drinks the serum down and everything turns —

Blank.

 

::

 

Everything is sweeter in the air when Robert finally is released. He sees beauty in the way things are now and the juices they give out at Bob's are actually pleasant. 

He's sitting outside the cafe and it's been nearly a year since he was released back into society. The juice is thicker than it normally is and there's something bitter about it which he tries to ignore. It's difficult to do so but he manages to keep a smile on his face as he completes a crossword. 

This particular one is difficult, makes his head ache a little and then he feels something _else_ ache his head. It's the sound of an alarm being raised and this incessant booming in his ear over and over again. 

_'Comrades — report to your — there's an attack on the — we won't — please try and -'_

And then nothing.

Robert feels like something is practically ripping though his ears as he sees the commotion going on around him and hopes for it to stop altogether. Just _stop_ because this sort of chaos always reminds him of years ago when he was poorly informed and a burden on society completely. 

Someone knocks over his table and things go flying. There is this sound of children screaming and the sky turns this dark and gloomy colour and —

Buildings begin to fall. One after the other and they don't stop. Robert thinks of dominos before everything turns dreadfully hazy again and all is suddenly lost in his mind.

 

::

 

He just so happens to wake to a brand new world which he doesn't know what to do with. He notices the sky. He notices the way it's this clear blue colour, pure and beautiful in this way that Robert is not familiar with.

He's slapped down on some rubble and he's probably broken his leg or something but he can't begin to think about that. Instead he thinks about the fact that he doesn't have this blankness in his mind anymore. It's been shattered along with absolutely everything else.

He sees more than the State in his mind and he can't stop it for anything, over and over again it seems to trickle through him and then that's when he feels himself being lifted onto something large and able to hold his weight effectively.

He feels like a soldier, battling through this war around him as he stares at the rubble and corruption around him and then he finds himself staring at him.

He's standing there, alive and triumphant. Cain Dingle.

“It's fuckin over!” He screams and everyone is so horrified that no body dares to speak. Whoever is carrying him to safety stops and the crowd of people look around at each other until slowly everyone begins to murmur and mumbles and *clap.

There's this sweet release suddenly as they see Cain standing there and they're not petrified and he is not hated. He is carrying what looks to be Joe's tie in his hand and it's stained with blood. It makes the blood drain from Robert's face and he's not yet quite aware of exactly what all of this gets to _mean_. 

The State has been overturned? There is now a man hunt for all the LW's and those in their higher positions like Joe? Robert's head is still throbbing from the impact of the fallen buildings and it won't allow for him to be overwhelmed by the sound of cheering and clapping and _crying_ by everyone around him.

He closes his eyes just as soon as he thinks he sees his sister's face staring at him.

It's a dream, he tells him, over and over again. Only he wakes in a hospital room, nurses soft and kind and filled with *emotion for the first time in years and he sees her.

Victoria.

His little baby sister is looking at him and he can only recognise her from the hazel of her eyes and how big and beautiful they are.

He attempts to sit up and hold her but she shakes her head and instead dives towards him. “Oh my God.” She's a mess, she's older and wiser and she should be *dead.

“Vic?" Robert's throat is hoarse and his eyes are filled with tears. “I —“

He suddenly doubts that it is actually, the feeling soaks through him, he feels it ruin anything as she holds his face gently.

"Robert." He can tell it sounds weird in her mouth and he could almost smile but his head is too woozy and he feels sick.

“I don't — you were —“

“They took us. They kidnapped all of us because they said that you and dad needed to be punished.” Vic whispers out, hurriedly and worried and her eyes water. Robert frowns a little at her. “Dad for cheating and you for —“

“Me kissing that boy.” Robert can't comprehend what is being said, what exactly it all means. It doesn't make sense, the _extent_ of punishment is almost out of this world for such a petty thing.

Vic looks a little shocked but tries to hide it. Robert is too overwhelmed to say anything.

“Mum and dad?” Robert whispers, “Andy?” He feels something in his chest though, he already knows the truth. He already knows that they're not around.

Victoria has tears that stretch down her face and suddenly Robert hates the fact that just like him, she was all alone. She shakes her head and he holds her fiercely. “They — I couldn't help them. I thought you were dead. They told all of us that we had to be moved — away from the city and —“

Robert pulls away. “All of us?” He whispers in confusion.

Victoria nods. “There were so many of us.” Her eyes turn glassy and he feels sick as he watches her remember. “When they liberated us all, they said that everyone we loved weren't dead. They were living in the city.” Her eyes flicker. “I _never_ thought you'd still be —“

Robert's head turns funny. “I am.” He says heavily, watches her smile and then wrap her arms around him like she doesn't want to let go.

He's still too stunned to even begin to let her out of his arms.

 

::

 

He doesn't say anything else for hours, the hospital fills up with more and more people and Robert discovers that not everyone is lucky enough to be in Vic's position and find their family.

Vic cries for people she clearly knows, the ones who have no one suddenly and then she's waving a hand up at a mother and daughter and the girl rushes to her side and squeezes tightly. 

She's all blonde and beautiful and almost completely unfazed by the devastation around her unlike her mother who is pale and has tears in her eyes.

“You found him then?” The woman says and Vic nods proudly at Robert. 

“Have you found him?” Vic asks, only the woman looks down and starts crying before the girl looks at her and she stops.

“Sorry, it's just — I _hoped_  he would be.” The woman shakes her head and looks at Robert. “You must be Robert.” She says, ”Me and your sister were kept in the same hut for years. I'm Chas. This is my youngest, Liv.”

Robert smiles at her and then the girl looks at him and grins. She's probably about ten or eleven and has this way about her which makes Robert feel like he should know her which is odd.

“Nice to meet you.” Robert says, and he's probably going to have to get used to a lot of new introductions.

 

::

 

He opens his eyes to Liv playing with his bracelet on the bed, it's still tight against his skin and he hears people attempting to think about ways of taking it off everyone now that everything has changed. He doesn't seem to mind all that much though, it's a sign of freedom against it in this odd way.

“You okay?” Robert whispers, and she shakes her head.

“I thought we'd find my brother here.” Liv says, eyes flickering a little and Robert looks at her and then to a sleepy Vic who has a hand in Robert's. 

“Don't give up yet.” Robert whispers, "There's still time. Everyone is waiting to find someone they care about.” He says gently, and then suddenly she is flying towards him and he wraps his arms around her little frame and then —

He doesn't know why but suddenly he thinks of him.

It's like the colour is pushed back into his mind and he sees him, he sees _Aaron_ and he fucking remembers.

He supposes that it was only a matter of time really, the blankness has suddenly worn off and he can't breathe against the realisation that Aaron is out there somewhere.

He's still stunned by the feeling when Liv runs off, he sees Aaron kissing him and loving him. He sees his hands everywhere and everything soft and beautiful and _true_. It makes him feel like he is flying.

And then he hears the sound of feet approaching and Cain is there. Cain.

Just the mere presence of the man is enough to make everyone fall into this silence. He hears mothers telling their children to be quiet and there's a tenseness in the room as he stands there with his gun and black boots. 

“We're not here to harm.” Cain says, and Robert sees Adam and Ross and about ten other men begin to come forward. “We've liberated everyone. It's over. The State has been destroyed, and we can do what we fucking like.”

Robert's eyes flicker, and then slowly but surely, just like before, everyone begins to sigh out relief and clap and —

Robert joins in this time.

 

::

 

Liv is drawn to him, she sleeps next to him in his hospital bed when Vic tries to find somewhere to sleep properly herself. He had a hand through the girl's hair and when he looks up properly he sees Cain looking down at him.

He has this serious look on his face which is lost by the way Robert stares back with a worried expression. Cain waves his hand out and then sits on Robert's bed. He attempts to mind the way Robert's leg is now been hoisted into a sling. 

“Didn't expect to see you again.” Cain admits. “Not after everything that happened.”

Robert tries to sit up in the bed and not wake Liv. “You mean, me and Aaron being captured again?”

Cain nods his head. “And you drinking that serum.” He almost looks disgusted and Robert tries to hide his shame. It burns through him as he thinks about how weak he was, how _bleak_ everything seemed back then.

Robert has his head down and tears form in his eyes. “I made Aaron think it was the right thing to do.” His tears fall down his face and he struggles to breathe as Cain just looks at him. He won't stop looking at him, but he doesn't seem to be angry at him. Robert expects a punch, a slap, an earful but he gets nothing back. “They told me he was a spy.” He says slowly, something aching in his chest. “And I believed them. There were was _so_ much that they said.” Robert's eyes blink almost uncontrollably and everything merges into one in front of him.

 

Aaron is a spy.

They burned down his family home and killed them all.

Lawrence White and his family don't exist.

Joe is the enemy. Joe is the helper.

Aaron doesn't love him.

 

Cain sniffs a little and for a second Robert wonders if he's actually emotional. “Aaron would have drunk it because of how much he loves ya.” He shrugs and then frowns at Robert. “He doesn't _love_ people. Well, I mean — he didn't love —“

Robert's eyes water and he's crying again. “Don't speak about him like he's dead. Please.” He doesn't know what to say when Cain looks down. “He can't be.” 

“Me and Adam tried to find him for a year. We couldn't. We got news that he hadn't been coping well.” Cain shrugs his shoulders. “So, I mean there's a chance that —“

Robert feels like there's a heaviness in his chest. “He wouldn't.” He says suddenly, the thought of Aaron ending everything for himself is terrifying.

Cain just looks painfully sad. “If he didn't think he had anything to live —“

“But I love him.” Robert whispers, chin wobbling and he hates himself for ever thinking that it was _possible_ to deny that. Cain just looks at him. “I love him.” He says more defiantly. “And — it's all over now isn't it?” He says. “You stopped them all?” 

Cain nods his head and there's this darkness about him. “It wasn't easy, it took so long but —“ he drops his head and then raises it again. “It was worth it. Just seeing him _squirm_ when we tore down all the posters.” He has this hardness in his eyes and it makes Robert's eyes flicker. “And then we made him tell us about the others.”

Robert doesn't know what to say and then he does. It hangs off his tongue awkwardly and then he gulps. “How's Debbie?” He says and Cain clearly didn't expect that. He looks unsure of what to say back and Robert frowns. “I pushed Joe once, in one of my — my sessions, and he mentioned her. Is she okay now?”

Cain nods slowly and doesn't say anything for a long time. “She — she'll always be messed up because of him. That much I know.” His eyes turn glassy. “Which is why I loved every second of destroying it all around him.”

Robert half smiles, he would clap if he had the strength to but instead settles for just nodding his head and dropping the subject.

Cain isn't a talker, he clearly just needs a breather and Robert gives him some time to sit with him which is ridiculous because Robert used to fear him. He used to hate him so much, everything he stood for, but now he can see the man for what he really is. 

A dad who wanted to fight the world for his family.

He supposes that his own dad would absolutely hate this little set up and Robert enjoys it a little. 

Robert feels this need to stroke over Liv's hair, and it's too soft between his finger tips. 

“I can't believe they hid so many people we loved. How _sick_ are they?” Robert spits, feels his head for heavy and then Cain nods before looking down at Liv and up at Robert. “I'm not going to let Aaron go Cain.” He says, and there's a pinkness about him as he thinks of them kissing again. “I can't lose another person I care about.” Because he hasn't had the time to grieve, not for Andy or his mother or his father. Not really. 

“Neither can she.” Cain tilts his head towards Liv and Robert frowns a little. “She's missing her big brother too you know. Doubt she'll even remember Aaron now.”

And she's asleep, she's soft and quiet and yet it's like Robert already knows how fierce and Aaron like she has the potential to be. It explains how much he wanted to protect her as soon as he saw her. 

His face falls a little and he holds her tightly against him. “I didn't — didn't know.” He says and Cain smiles almost faintly.

“Seems like you did.” Cain observes and Robert watches him stand. “What you said about not giving up on finding Aaron, I feel the same.” He says. “Me and Chas and Adam, we're going to do all we can.”

“And so am I.” Robert doesn't even need to think about it. 

He closes his eyes and Aaron's smiling at him, giggles a little as they lay in bed and Robert has never wanted something back so much in his life.

 

::

 

It's a mixture of a lot of things that actually sets him off. It's the fact that his whole world has just been turned upside down and this is meant to be the liberated era of the day. It's also the fact that his sister isn't dead and yet his family _are_.

His _mother_.

It cripples him a little and makes his eyes water, and then they don't _stop_ because they _have_ died. The State was probably always meaning for this to happen sooner or later. They wanted to wipe out certain people to punish others and it's so painfully cruel that he can't get over it.

He's sobbing in the bed, he's _sobbing_ and it's hard to catch his breath until he feels Victoria's hand on his. She comforts him in this unfamiliar way, she holds his hand and rubs his back and it shouldn't be this way around yet it is and Robert can't fight passed his upset. 

“Hey. It's fine. We're safe.” Vic says, over and over again and Robert shakes his head a little in despair.

“He's not.” It's the only thing he manages to get out, all strangled and broken and Vic's eyes widen under the weight of exactly what her brother is trying to say. She pokes and prods and he gives in. “Aaron. He — we —“ he can't say anything else and she nods her head a little like she's trying to understand.

“You're looking for him?”

Robert shrugs a little. “Cain thinks there's no point.” Vic frowns just a little. “It's weird, all this time you were so close to his mum and little sister.” He explains a little now he has his breath back and Vic is sort of stunned.

“There _has_ to be something, he has to be out there somehow.” Vic says heavily, brushing a hand across her face. “Chas and Liv — they miss him so mum.” 

“So do I.” Robert whispers. “The State made me — I turned my back on him Vic.” It feels so weird talking to her like this. He remembers her barely being able to have important conversations and now she is all older and wiser and just like their mother. He resents the years he has missed. He suddenly wishes that he was taken with them, that he hadn't run off like that and returned to nothing. Vic strokes his arm and he sighs. “I drank the serum, I just _drank_ it and allowed my mind to turn blank. For all our memories to just disappear.”

He's crying again when she wraps her arms around him and it's a comfort but he thinks of Aaron's arms around him instead and when she pulls away, when she says it's not his fault, he just holds her hand.

“Got you though haven't I?” He whispers tentatively and she nods. “My little sister is alive.”

And his hands shake as he thinks about it. 

 

::

 

Morning comes, it stretches over the lives of the many who are in this hospital ward, who Cain has inadvertently hurt in the process of their freedom. 

Robert wants to leave. He wants to leave and find Aaron and discover a life without this constant fear building up inside him. But the thought is too overwhelming to think about. Especially when he sees everyone else just walking around with a clear lack of purpose, this fumbling haze around them which won't budge.

He sees Laurel with her children and instead of being loud and brash and trying to shoot down Robert with their pretend guns, they cling to her side and she clearly doesn't know what she's supposed to do. It hurts to see, there's a naturalness about family which has been so so far removed and left this uncertainty. It won't stop either, it just builds and builds into this giant boulder which they will all have to overcome if they want to be normal. Whatever that gets to mean nowadays anyway.

Robert has been given a shirt and some trousers from a few of the helpers who are going around and he struggles to work his crutches as he tries to practice moving up and down. He hasn't seen Liv or Chas since they overheard Robert spill his guts out to Victoria and he can't fathom whether or not they dislike him. They should really. He's the reason why Aaron decided to drink a serum which left his mind _blank_ of any real emotion.

But then again, there's this gnawing in his stomach when he thinks about the fact that, although through no real fault of their own, they left Aaron to fend for himself. They left him to seek pleasure and possibly love from randomers and so he can't help but feel a little bit of anger towards Chas.

Robert nearly slips and then feels a hand on his arm steadying him. It's Adam. A bit more bloodied and bruised than Robert remembers him being but he still has that smile on his face like they're long lost friends.

“How you been?”Adam asks, he's helping Robert sit back down on his bed and there's nothing Robert can really say to that. He can't really remember the last year he's had. Everything felt blank and hollow and Aaronless. 

Robert shrugs. “Alive. Nothing has happened since they released me.” He says, and then he sighs. “I suppose you know about the whole serum taking thing? How I made Aaron do the same.”

Adam's face hardens. “You didn't make him.”’He says. “He wasn't giving up, he was going to be killed if he didn't drink that.”

“And now look? He's probably dead.” Robert says boldly and Adam's mouth flaps open for just a second before he sighs. “How was he? When he came back, did you see him?” 

Adam nods. “He wasn't himself. I know something was up, but whenever I said anything he'd — he'd say he loved the State. You know, like Finn used to do?” 

Speaking of the man, Robert sees him hugging Ross and Pete over Adam's shoulder and something bursts in his stomach. He's genuinely glad that he's safe and alright and he hopes he can say the same about Aaron some day.

Robert nods as Adam speaks to him. “But then he ran?”

“He just took off. He was — _sad_ but determined to just leave whatever me and Cain and the others were planning." Adam looks down and then up again. 

“How did you even get out?” Robert frowns a little. 

Adam almost smirks. “We found a way.” He says vaguely, “Dug ourselves out like in shawkshank redemption.” He nearly laughs and Robert nearly smiles.

“Right.” He says, almost to himself and Adam grazes his knee a little to get his attention.

“At night though, he'd call our your name.” And Robert suddenly has tears in his eyes. “Didn't realise how much you two loved each other. Mate, I'm sorry they took that away.” 

And Adam could be a mate.

Robert nods a little. “I remember now.” He tries to sound optimistic. “And — and I'll find him.” He says. “Me and my sister, we're going to rent a flat, try and sort something out and — I'll find him.”

Adam nods a little and then catches sight of Vic before visibly blushing. Robert tries to ignore it and rolls his eyes before Adam looks back at him. “Yeah well, me and Cain are on the case n'all.” He promises. “No one knows what's going to happen do they? Everything is a _mess_.”

Robert can't disagree, nods a little and then hears the sound of feet coming towards him. When he looks up, Chas and Liv are there with Cain behind them.

“Hello.” Chas says. “We've been assigned a flat.” She explains before pulling out a piece of paper. “Here. You'll — you'll let us know if you ever see him okay?” Her chin wobbles and he nods his head a little before she pulls him over towards a seat and clearly wants to talk to him.

He doesn't know what he's supposed to say to her but she seems to speak for the both of them for a while.

“Was he happy? With you — was he —“

Robert's eyes flicker a little, he doesn't have a clear answer to that until he sees Aaron laying in bed with him and has his eyes sparkling. “Yeah.” He whispers. “When we were on our own. When we weren't scared of being caught it was the best.”’His eyes flicker again and he's trying not to cry.

“Good.” Chas sniffs, eyes watering as she listens.

“He's been through so much you know.” Robert bites his lip. “Even after — after Gordon, he wanted to be loved and he went through —" It doesn't feel right to say all of this, but Chas wants to know, so he tells her about Aaron practically prostituting himself out for years. “But then he met me.” He says. "And that stopped and we — we looked after each other.

Chas nods, half a smile on her face.

“Until I let go off his hand. And we were separated and — and I was *weak and made him drink that —“

Chas just hugs him out of no where and he supposes it's because Robert is the closest person she has to her son. “God, he must have really loved you.” She smiles a little and then pulls away.

She pulls away and then Liv is coming up towards him and doing the same. 

“I won't give up on him again.” Robert promises, and Chas holds his face for a second before she holds at Liv's hand and disappears.

He watches them leave but Cain sticks around. He stays talking to Adam until Vic comes back and everyone stares at each other a little.

“We'll find him.” Robert says, looks around at everyone and Vic gently rubs his shoulder and offers some kind words about everything being okay soon. Robert can't see it being okay at all, doesn't say any of that aloud but instead looks towards Cain.

“What happens now then?” Robert whispers. “Do we have a plan or —“

Cain just shakes his head and shrugs. Literally shrugs. "We get to live now." He says. “Properly.”

And Robert almost smiles.

 

::

 

**Three years later:**

 

The sky is beautifully kind today and Robert thinks of him when it's like this. There's a fondness spread out across his heart and Aaron shines through. Only Aaron. Only ever Aaron.

It's been years.

Trees grow now and the office he used to work at prints actual papers about actual news. It keeps most of the population happy as well, makes them feel like they are aware of what is happening in the world because even _now_ , years after the liberation, they still need orders and rules.

They have a system now though, a governmental party which strives to do the best for society and Robert doesn't think much of it but it does its job. The Urbans aren't as secluded anymore and everyone seem to rub along together in this cautious way of living despite this embedded desire to be permanently on edge. It creeps up on you in a way that you don't expect.

Robert knows about it. He knows about the fact that as soon as a man showed interest in him, pinned him up against the wall and kissed his neck, his whole body froze. Everyone froze around them because it was new and once a sin and anyways, the man wasn't Aaron Dingle so it didn't last. See, he's tried.

Victoria can't say that he hasn't tried to move on because he _has_. He's had a casual thing with a man and made a woman fall for him before breaking her heart and making her cry. And he blames Aaron. He blames the man who disappeared off the face of the earth.

The clock in the town square chimes, birds seem to tweet around him and Robert sips his coffee with a gentle smile on his face. He has his book open and wants to write more than he did yesterday. He wants to write about the oppression and the days where everything was terribly sad and destructive. He also wants to write about him. 

Aaron. 

Sometimes he feels like his bracelet nearly vibrates and it makes something beautiful spread in his chest. But then it's gone again and it's just his arm shaking a little and not the piece of metal at all. It's been three years and countless attempts but the bracelets don't come off. They just don't.

Robert has his hand across the page when he gets a message from Victoria. It's just a smiley face and then when he looks closer he sees that there's a picture attached of her and Adam and little Leah. It makes him almost cry as they have fun in the sunshine and he can't help but be filled with relief to think that his little niece has loving parents and doesn't live in a world he did. Adam's an idiot, but a loving one and Robert has got over the jealousy he felt when they found each other and he was still looking for Aaron.

It's not like he's stopped. It's just dried up in this terribly sad way and Cain is married now anyway, has a son and a family unit and Robert —

He writes books.

He admires the sound the trees make when the wind whistles passed and the way there's a gentleness in the sun as it beams down. 

He finds comfort in the strangest most natural things now and it only makes him a happier person. It only makes him calmer and filled with _something_ whilst he pines for a lost love. The _only_ love that mattered. 

Robert turns the page, picks up his pen and starts detailing the first time Aaron kissed him when he hears it. A dog in the distance barking is still enough to make him jump a little because he's not used to the sound. Even now. The sound continues, nearly puts Robert off and then _does_ as he looks up and —

It feels like a dream really. Some sort of fantastical, magical dream because he sees him. He sees Aaron. He sees him standing there and throwing a stick to a dog and he has this softness about him like he's almost unsure of what he is doing. But then he laughs and Robert feels like crying.

Because Aaron's only older, has thicker curls and a matching beard and —

Robert blinks. And then blinks again and he feels his bracelet vibrate against his skin for the first time in three years. Three whole years. It's losing its mind and they're not supposed to do that anymore but -

He raises his head and Aaron's staring right at him with his mouth open and a watery grin and his bracelet is vibrating too.

::

 

It's magic. They fall into each other's arms with an absolute certainty that the State wished to eradicate. There's this _love_ in between them which is relentlessly sincere, knocks at Robert's head as he feels Aaron's arms clinging to him.

There's almost nothing possible to say as Aaron continues to _shake_ , as he continues to crumble against Robert's chest and Robert can only run a hand through his hair and hold him until Aaron pulls his head up.

“You're you.” Aaron frowns, eyes watery and kind and filled with all this hope. A hope Robert feared had left him years ago.

Robert just nods a little though, “I'm me, I'm — I found you —“ It's like something just collapses in his chest over and over again as Aaron struggles to breathe.

“Is — is this real?” Aaron's hands find place on Robert's face, finds home and Robert is stunned for a second before nodding his head. There's a billion and one things to say, to understand, to explain but for now Robert stares at Aaron almost like he's staring at the stars just before the sun brightens them away. It explodes across his chest and won't stop until Aaron's crying again.

“No — no more of that.” He says hesitantly, a finger gentle against the tear falling down Aaron's face.

Aaron just shakes his head though, “I thought — that you wouldn't remember me.” He panics, “I find my — my sister —“

Robert thinks of Liv, how much older and wiser me must be now. He smiles a little and then finds himself almost getting choked up as Aaron tries to explain, clings a fist against Robert's shirt. “And my _mum_ and — I didn't — I thought you wouldn't want me. I'm sorry.”’For a second Robert looks down at Aaron's arms and only sees bruises, scars which seem both self inflicted and given to him. 

It makes him think of Joe, of _them_ and he feels sick. He feels like he wants to _cry_.

“You're safe now. We — Aaron we're _safe_.” 

And Robert gets to hug Aaron like this in a park with trees and flowers and natural sunshine and no one tells him it's wrong. People pass by with a strangle level of acceptance to their love and he doesn't feel this clenching in his heart from fear anymore.

He feels love, love and _love_.

It races through him and Aaron _smiles_ for the first time in years, catches hold of everything he will ever need and he finally can admit that he is safe.

“Safe.”’He nuzzles his face against Robert's and a million memories trickle through him and make his head feel light. He keeps seeing Robert, just Robert and Robert and Robert and a happiness. “And yours.”

Robert has his eyes closed against it, feels himself to continue to shake and then he holds back his tears and nods against Aaron's hair. “And mine.” He whispers, and he's suddenly drawn back towards a memory. He's sitting across from Aaron and he's been Blanked but he promises to marry him in another life.

It makes Robert hold at Aaron's hand suddenly, shaking, lost in the feeling of being his again and then he's on his knees and Aaron's eyes are red and puffy and _blue_.

“Rob — what are you —“

And it's another life.

One where Aaron falls down on his knees as well and says yes, and they are two boys who get to hold each other for hours and hours, sobbing and laughing and _kissing_.

One where Aaron says he loves Robert without fear, and Robert can say it right back without hesitation. 

One where they can walk hand in hand together and begin a _life_ , a family, without the State's overwhelming presence, just overwhelming and unwavering love.

And the trees whistle as they hold hands and swing them a little to the sound of their beautiful new life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> And there you go! 
> 
> It has been a pleasure to write this fic honestly, and although I low-key think it is awful I really hope that you got some sort of enjoyment out of it! Thank you for reading and sticking with this because IT IS VERY LONG AND SAD but hopefully the ending paid off. Imagine if I stayed true to the book! If you havent read the book by the way, READ IT because it is amazing and since being forced to read it in sixth form last year I could so imagine it as an AU for robron and it worked, sort of. 
> 
> ANYWAYS THANKS SO SO MUCH FOR READING!!


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